7 May
Despite the name of this blog, I don’t write about sex very often. I mean, in order to write about it, I’d probably have to be having sex every once in awhile, and let’s be real, I’m not.
But this weekend, I had sex. Correction, I had great sex.
And while I usually focus on the relationship aspect of sex, I’ve decided that this time, I’m not going to worry about who it was with and what it might mean. Instead, I am just going to focus on the fact that I got to have great sex all night (and morning) because, heck, that’s way more fun to think about…
And as I reveled in the memory of the evening (yes, reveled, I said it…) I started thinking abut the difference between good sex and mediocre sex. I found myself wondering, why is good sex is so hard to come by?
This question led me to ask, what exactly what makes sex “good” and thus I decided to compile a list. I’d be very curious to see if you all agree or if you think there are additional elements to a quality roll in the hay.
The Fundamentals of Good Sex:
- Control - Both partners need to take it from time to time and when it is your turn to take it – you better own it. To me, being in control is all about the little things. If you want to switch positions, a slight nudge is not going to cut it. I love it when a guy picks me up and moves me, or grabs me tightly or tells me what he wants. And I’ve found that when a guy initiates this level of control with me, I find myself willing and able reciprocate. I mean, that’s only fair right? The guy shouldn’t have to run the whole show.
- Comfort level - I’ll never be one to judge someone for sleeping with someone they’ve just met, but I’ve found that the best sex happens when you really know the other person. You’re less distracted by thoughts of, “oh shoot did I miss a spot when I was shaving?” or “Ugh. this angle really makes me look chubby” and you are able to be much more in the moment.
- Eye contact - So simple, but it goes a long way. This certainly takes a level of intimacy to pull off, but having the guts to look the other person in the eye and have that moment, increases the intensity considerably.
- Post coital cuddle – Listen, I know it is so stereo-typically female of me to associate good sex with some quality cuddling afterwards, but I don’t care. I love a good cuddle. And not a, “I have to cuddle so I am just going to lay here and put my hand on your ass” cuddle. I’m talking about an active cuddle, where you are touching each other, moving your hands around, maybe squeezing a few things here or there. That, my friends, counts as cuddling and it’s awesome.
- Smiling – While I appreciate “bedroom” eyes, a smile every now and again is just perfect. I find it reminds me that at the end of the day, we’re both just regular people, which helps me relax and let loose a bit. That and I suspect my personal bedroom eyes are completely un-sexy and I enjoy taking a break from them.
- Paying attention to body parts above the belt - Anyone who knows me knows that I appreciate efficiency in pretty much every aspect of my life except the bedroom. Now, I am not saying I need copious amounts of foreplay, particularly when we are talking about someone I’ve made out with hundreds of times. But sex is a lot hotter when the entire body is utilized throughout (especially the neck. Man I love attention to the neck!)
- Trying new things – If you have a lot of trust in the person you are sleeping with, chances are you are a lot more open to trying something new, and this, my friends, is a good thing… You see, if you were to ask me, I would describe my personal “sex style” as pretty darn vanilla. But the truth is, over the years I’ve been convinced to to try a few things that I swore I’d never do. And you know what – more often than not, the new experience was super hot! (Except the guy that was into choking. That was weird and definitely not hot).
- Flirting - Just because you are already sleeping with someone, doesn’t mean you should throw in the towel on a little flirting before you hit the bedroom. I love a guy who teases me (frankly, I provide plenty of material) and the more I like you before I get into the bedroom, the better the sex. I think the key here is that good foreplay doesn’t have to just be physical and you can start before you even arrive.
- Mix up the pace – I completely appreciate the whole, “I gotta have you now style” of sex. However, I’ve found that no matter what type of sex you are having with your partner, it is infinitely more exciting if you are mixing things up. I love being kept on my toes and think it is awesome to pause in the midst of a super rough moment, to get a soft little kiss. Anything to keep me guessing will keep me interested.
- Don’t underestimate the power of lighting - Ok this is just a little thing, but I don’t care for a fully lit room while having sex. Everyone looks better in the dark, and I’d rather spend less time worrying about how I look and more time focused on makeing sure my partner is enjoying himself. For that reason, I think everyone should invest in candles. That way you can still see each other, without feeling like you are on dipslay.
- Confidence - I once slept with a guy who repeatedly referenced his “small penis” throughout the act. The first time, I reassured him that it felt great. There was nothing to worry about. But as it continued, I lost my patience in boosting his self-esteem and was really having a hard time enjoying the sex. The weirdest thing about the whole thing was, he just wasn’t that small. The moral here: what you may perceive as a shortcoming, may not even be of notice to your partner. So stop worrying about it. It probably doesn’t matter, and in the end, your lack of confidence will be the only reason the sex isn’t hot.
- Talk it out - In the bedroom, I’m not good at volunteering information about what I like and don’t like. I feel like I communicate so often everywhere else in my life, that I’d prefer to just have a break… But, I’ve found that really good sex, requires a bit of chatter here and there. And although I am not good at starting the “convo” I do appreciate prompting. Questions like, “Do you like this?” open the door to get me communicating and make me more comfortable about saying things other than yes or no.
Now, this list is by no means comprehensive. Stylistically, there are all sorts of preferences that people have in the bedroom (I’m sure some people like choking…) but I do think that this is a good base of a list. What would you add? What do you think are the fundamentals to really good sex?





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