Sex and the Twenties

Despite the name of this blog, I don’t write about sex very often. I mean, in order to write about it, I’d probably have to be having sex every once in awhile, and let’s be real, I’m not.

But this weekend, I had sex. Correction, I had great sex.

And while I usually focus on the relationship aspect of sex, I’ve decided that this time, I’m not going to  worry about who it was with and what it might mean. Instead, I am just going to focus on the fact that I got to have great sex all night (and morning) because, heck, that’s way more fun to think about…

And as I reveled in the memory of the evening (yes, reveled, I said it…) I started thinking abut the difference between good sex and mediocre sex. I found myself wondering, why is good sex is so hard to come by?

This question led me to ask, what exactly what makes sex “good” and thus I decided to compile a list. I’d be very curious to see if you all agree or if you think there are additional elements to a quality roll in the hay.

The Fundamentals of Good Sex:

• Control - Both partners need to take it from time to time and when it is your turn to take it – you better own it. To me, being in control is all about the little things. If you want to switch positions, a slight nudge is not going to cut it. I love it when a guy picks me up and moves me, or grabs me tightly or tells me what he wants. And I’ve found that when a guy initiates this level of control with me, I find myself willing and able reciprocate. I mean, that’s only fair right? The guy shouldn’t have to run the whole show.
• Comfort level - I’ll never be one to judge someone for sleeping with someone they’ve just met, but I’ve found that the best sex happens when you really know the other person. You’re less distracted by thoughts of, “oh shoot did I miss a spot when I was shaving?” or “Ugh. this angle really makes me look chubby” and you are able to be much more in the moment.
• Eye contact - So simple, but it goes a long way. This certainly takes a level of intimacy to pull off, but having the guts to look the other person in the eye and have that moment, increases the intensity considerably.
• Post coital cuddle – Listen, I know it is so stereo-typically female of me to associate good sex with some quality cuddling afterwards, but I don’t care. I love a good cuddle. And not a, “I have to cuddle so I am just going to lay here and put my hand on your ass” cuddle. I’m talking about an active cuddle, where you are touching each other, moving your hands around, maybe squeezing a few things here or there. That, my friends, counts as cuddling and it’s awesome.
• Smiling – While I appreciate “bedroom” eyes, a smile every now and again is just perfect. I find it reminds me that at the end of the day, we’re both just regular people, which helps me relax and let loose a bit. That and I suspect my personal bedroom eyes are completely un-sexy and I enjoy taking a break from them.
• Paying attention to body parts above the belt - Anyone who knows me knows that I appreciate efficiency in pretty much every aspect of my life except the bedroom. Now, I am not saying I need copious amounts of foreplay, particularly when we are talking about someone I’ve made out with hundreds of times. But sex is a lot hotter when the entire body is utilized throughout (especially the neck. Man I love attention to the neck!)
• Trying new things – If you have a lot of trust in the person you are sleeping with, chances are you are a lot more open to trying something new, and this, my friends, is a good thing… You see, if you were to ask me, I would describe my personal “sex style”  as pretty darn vanilla. But the truth is, over the years I’ve been convinced to to try a few things that I swore I’d never do. And you know what – more often than not, the new experience was super hot! (Except the guy that was into choking. That was weird and definitely not hot).
• Flirting - Just because you are already sleeping with someone, doesn’t mean you should throw in the towel on a little flirting before you hit the bedroom. I love a guy who teases me (frankly, I provide plenty of material) and the more I like you before I get into the bedroom, the better the sex. I think the key here is that good foreplay doesn’t have to just be physical and you can start before you even arrive.
• Mix up the pace – I completely appreciate the whole, “I gotta have you now style” of sex. However, I’ve found that no matter what type of sex you are having with your partner, it is infinitely more exciting if you are mixing things up. I love being kept on my toes and think it is awesome to pause in the midst of a super rough moment, to get a soft little kiss. Anything to keep me guessing will keep me interested.
• Don’t underestimate the power of lighting - Ok this is just a little thing, but I don’t care for a fully lit room while having sex. Everyone looks better in the dark, and I’d rather spend less time worrying about how I look and more time focused on makeing sure my partner is enjoying himself. For that reason, I think everyone should invest in candles. That way you can still see each other, without feeling like you are on dipslay.
• Confidence - I once slept with a guy who repeatedly referenced his “small penis” throughout the act. The first time, I reassured him that it felt great. There was nothing to worry about. But as it continued, I lost my patience in boosting his self-esteem and was really having a hard time enjoying the sex. The weirdest thing about the whole thing was, he just wasn’t that small. The moral here: what you may perceive as a shortcoming, may not even be of notice to your partner. So stop worrying about it. It probably doesn’t matter, and in the end, your lack of confidence will be the only reason the sex isn’t hot.
• Talk it out - In the bedroom, I’m not good at volunteering information about what I like and don’t like. I feel like I communicate so often everywhere else in my life, that I’d prefer to just have a break… But, I’ve found that really good sex, requires a bit of chatter here and there. And although I am not good at starting the “convo” I do appreciate prompting. Questions like, “Do you like this?” open the door to get me communicating and make me more comfortable about saying things other than yes or no.

Now, this list is by no means comprehensive. Stylistically, there are all sorts of preferences that people have in the bedroom (I’m sure some people like choking…) but I do think that this is a good base of a list. What would you add? What do you think are the fundamentals to really good sex?

So after my depressing bout of self-wallowing last week, I decided to go ahead and re-join Match yesterday. It may not be the answer to all my problems (or any of my problems) but it will distract me and that’s probably exactly what I need.

However, in order for me to be distracted by something, I would need to receive a few Match.com emails that didn’t make me roll my eyes. Apparently those are hard to come by.

As I read through the 25+ emails I have gotten in this first 24 hours it struck me, perhaps instead of feeling annoyance for these dudes, maybe I should be feeling bad for them. Chances are, they aren’t douchebags. Maybe they are just completely clueless that their emails are so forgettable and in some cases border-line offesnsive. And that’s when I realized, I am in a position to help!

So I’ll break it down for you guys, using these most recent emails as examples, to show you what us ladies are thinking when we get these in our inbox.

Example One:

“you are a cutie and we seem to have some things. want to chat or get together and see if we are a fit?”

Ok first off, while I enjoy flattery, “cutie” isn’t really a word I’d like to be known by. A baby is a cutie, or maybe a small dog – not a sophisticated woman. And this diction choice is compounded by the fact that he chose not to capitalize the first words of his sentences. (What, was your email too long that you were unable to go back and proofread?) But most irksome, and I see this all the time, is when someone says, “we seem to have things in common” without referencing what those things are. How trite! Everyone in this world has something in common. If you genuinely think we share a few interests or personality traits, feel free to show me you read my profile and point those out. Otherwise I can just assume you say that to absolutely every woman you come across on Match.

Example Two:

Hey there! How are you? You have a pretty smile! I’d like to know more about you.

Soooo, exactly what more would you like to know? Because if you just read my profile, you’ve learned about where I live, what I do, what my hobbies are, where I like to go, about my pets, what I am looking for, my religion, and the list goes on and on… How about you address some (or maybe even one) of those things before you start asking for more? And when you do ask for more, can you please be more specific? Open-ended statements like “I’d like to know more about you” make me want to respond with a monologue about my thoughts on gluten free pasta options or something equally as fascinating.

Example Three:

Happy Saturday! I went to the dog beach this morning with my pooch and like usual all of the parents of other dogs scorned at me because my kid was so rowdy and unruly! I tell them that he’s mentally retarded and that they should have more respect for the handicapped pooches of the world:)

So I own a restaurant in San Diego. Other than the restaurants keeping me busy I like to spend my free time building useless stuff and hanging out with friends/family. Do you have any favorite dishes that you make?

First off, this gentleman chose to use a VIP email when he sent this and I can’t imagine why. If you are going to invest in using one of your few “VIP” emails, perhaps you should also invest a few minutes in reading the person’s profile… This is a classic case of, “it is all about me,” and it is the most prevalent problem I have with emails on this site. Listen buddy, I did not reach out to you. Nor did I ask for any information about you. If I wanted to learn that you own a restaurant, I would read your profile. To me, this screams, “I just cut and paste this to every chick I think is hot and hope that a few write back.” I am not saying you can’t say things about yourself – of course you can! But they should expand on your profile and they should be in relation to what the person you are messaging said about themselves. If the initial message goes well, you’ll have all sorts of time to talk about yourself.

Example Four:

You came up in my daily matches so I thought I would introduce myself. I like your awesome profile it’s almost as cool as my profile but not quite haha jk. Anyways I know your inbox is probably overflowing with emails of many random horny men and probably women, but if you’re not too overwhelmed, drop me a line and maybe we can grab a cup of coffee sometime so you can finally meet the man of your dreams haha.

Well, you all know how I feel about the use of emoticons, so I won’t go off about that, but suffice to say a smiley in the subject line and TWO in the email is too many. Also, please avoid the use of words like horny in your initial outreach to a lady – that’s awkward and it automatically makes me associate you with horny. Probably not what you were going for. And finally the “almost as cool as mine” and the “man of your dreams” part… yea that’s just a little much. I assume you are trying to be funny, but again it just comes off as awkward.

Example Five:

Hey there, how are you? are you sure you not some kinda model or something? looking good !! anyway how’s your weekend going? I am at Coachella music festival, check out Monday morning and back to work have a fun weekend.

Again with the capitals, emoticons and questionable punctuation. Sigh… But it was the model comment that really made me want to barf. Flattery is one thing, but I am not delusional enough to think anyone might mistake me for a model. And also dude, why are you Match.com messaging me when you are at Coachella. Shouldn’t you be like drunk or something? Or maybe you are, and that explains the capitalization….

Example Six:

It’s official – I am having a pity party for myself right now. Having just stuffed my face with lentils, chicken and sweet potatoes, I am left sitting in the semi-dark, listening to some slow jams station on Pandora and trying to come up with some sort of inspirational dating wisdom. Turns out, I have nothing. All I can think of are the long list of reasons that I am never going to end up with anyone – ever. And while this sentiment may be depressing for me, I realized that perhaps reading about my craziness may help you all feel better about yourselves.

You may be thinking, where did all this come from? Well remember how I’ve mentioned a few times over the past year that I was working towards a goal (and thus not really dating)? Yea, well, the time came to find out if all my hard work would pay off and guess what — it didn’t. I went after my dream with everything in me and failed. Miserably. And now, here I am… completely sans a goal and oh hey, totally alone.

And what’s worse is everyone expects me to feel so awesome about myself. I’ve been getting so much of, “You are so inspiring!” “You look so amazing!” “I can’t believe how much you’ve changed!” And all I can think is – some fucking good any of that does. So freaking what that I lost 25 pounds? And so what if now everywhere I go I have guys telling me how “gorgeous” I am? Does it matter that I have guys coming out of the woodwork with texts, Facebook chats, and emails? No, it’s all fucking useless. None of this was the least bit useful in helping me reach my goal, and I am no less alone today then I was a year ago. Unfortunately it is starting to dawn on me that maybe no amount of bettering myself will change the fact that I am destined to be alone. Maybe that’s just my fate. Maybe I should just cry it out, accept it and stop trying to convince myself that if I just do this or that, then  someday I won’t be completely on my own. I mean really take a look at the following list and then tell me who would date this girl…

I’m selfish. No really, I like things my way. And ya know what, I usually get them too. I have had this charmed life in which I very rarely have had to deal with disappointment and I’ve developed an expectation that this will always be the case. I am not good at compromising and in most instances I’d rather just be alone than divert from my preference.

I’m not flexible. I doubt anyone in the history of the world has described me as “go with the flow” or “spontaneous.” I like to plan everything and I tend to schedule out every moment of every day (yes, I scheduled writing this blog post). I have spreadsheets to keep track of the the food I eat, my weight, my recipes, the boys I’ve made out with, my budget, my friendships… You name  it, I have a list for it. And if you are thinking that my compulsive need for organizing may make it challenging to date, you are correct. On the rare occasion I do make schedule shifts for a man, it generally results in me resenting said gentleman. Especially should he not do things exactly my way…(see above).

I eat weird. I don’t eat gluten, or dairy, or red meat. And frankly I love eating healthy. In fact, I just completed a 21 day cleanse  where I could eat nothing but lentils, veggies and fruit – and I thought it was easy. Guys love girls who can steam up some kale, right?

I’ve already dated everyone. Prior to writing this depressing blog post I thought, oh hey, maybe I should now use this wealth of free time to get back on Match. So I went on over and checked out the photos on the site. And there they all were – The Texter, the guy I thought I could treat like business, the guy I talked to for a month and a half and he still never asked me out, the guy who asked me out and then cancelled an hour before – loser, after loser after loser (No shock, all still single).  Have I seriously already dated every single guy in San Diego that I find attractive? Rad.

I make the same mistakes. Over and over and over and over and over… And they all relate to D. I was doing SUCH a stellar job of not talking to D right? Wrong. True, I hadn’t called him in 5 months but I thought about him every day. I wondered about when I’d run into him. On more than one occasion I almost went to his house when his roomie invited me over. And then last month I decided to make out with his roomie (clearly a wise decision. Because obviously he and I have a chance at a promising future together…). But at the very least I could  say I hadn’t talked to D.

Until I did. After learning my dream was crushed (and spending the next 10 hours drinking) I balled my eyes out and then threw away all the work I did by switching my number and called D. Yep, I am that dumb. And sure, I didn’t sleep with him. Nor have I continued the relationship (even though he called me the very next day and asked me over again) but it doesn’t matter. I am pretty much never going to move forward from that guy.

I utterly lack patience. On that very same Sunday, I ran into an old friend of mine. (Actually, yet another one of D’s best friends – of course – but that’s besides the point). He and I go way back and I never run into him because according to the guys, he always has girlfriends and behaves responsibly. In any case, he is dreamy (always has been) and I’ve always considered him pretty unattainable despite the fact that I have made out with a few times over the years. However, when I saw him this weekend, he could not have been more complimentary. We talked for hours and discovered that we are both in this similar place of striving to better ourselves. He told me multiple times how glad he was that he ran into me, and how different I looked, and how he could tell I’d grown up and changed so much yada yada yada. And he got my number (twice…) and then Facebook chatted me the next morning to tell me again, how impressed by me he was etc… Now, here we are on Wednesday and I am so freaking annoyed that I haven’t heard from him. It is making me antsy and restless - two things that generally lead to poor decision making (like calling D).

I can’t cut weak links. Say, for instance, The Texter. This dude annoyed me the entire time we were dating and when he texted me randomly last night to ask if I had accomplished my goal, he managed to annoy me yet again. Why I can’t just ignore him is beyond me. The stupid text conversation made me feel even shittier and for what? Because I don’t want to hurt the feelings of a guy who never asked me out again after he slept with me?? Yea, that makes sense.

I like making out and do it more often than is likely responsible. No need to expand on that one, I suppose. Let’s just say I am acutely aware that if I really hope to settle down one day, I should stop kissing so many guys and/or at least stop kissing guys that all know each other.

I am insecure. I am pretty darn close to having a six pack and still feel plagued by the idea that I might gain weight if I finish this glass of wine. It doesn’t matter that I know for a fact that I am currently the most attractive I have ever been – all that does is make me more hyper aware of my flaws and fearful of losing what I’ve accomplished. Fun girl, right?

I can’t let go of the past. Although moving certainly helped, I haven’t forgotten about Mr. Not Quite Right nor can I say I wouldn’t love to run into him.

I don’t deal with reality. Even as I wrote the above, I knew in my head how stupid it was. So what if I were to run into Mr. Not Quite Right? What is it that I think will happen? He will take one look at the new and improved me and dump his girlfriend? Hardly. This is the guy who was intimidated by the success of the disaster version of myself. If I actually look at the reality of the situation, I know seeing me now would only further his conviction that we would have never lasted.

I’m jaded. I honestly think I may have run out of hope. I know, depressing. But I just can’t look myself in the mirror and say, self, you will meet someone. I no longer believe that. And that’s truly the saddest statement I’ve ever written.

You may be cursing me right now, and thinking why the fuck would she write this post? Well, you are welcome to hate me (I’m not liking myself all that much right now either) but I wanted to be real with you all since you’ve all been pretty real with me so many times in the past. So often we all only share the good things that are happening in our lives, and I am completely guilty of that too. I think it leads us to believe that everyone else’s lives are all roses. And when we have a night, a week or even a month like this, we beat ourselves up for feeling sad. It’s bullshit because we all go through these dark places and I no longer feel like pretending I don’t. So I won’t.

The truth is, right now I am lost. I am 26, and alone and completely sans a personal goal. I have an amazing job, the most supportive friends and family a girl could ask for and am in the best shape of my life – and yet I am alone and sad about it. I have no uplifting thoughts, or lessons learned, or plans of actions. I simply have this feeling and the knowledge that tomorrow will be a new day. And for now, that’s just going to have to be enough.

I’m the kind of person who once I decide a guy is not for me, then he is definitely not for me. And sadly, although the aforementioned juror had a lot of promise, I realized by our second date that I just wasn’t feeling it… At. All. It wasn’t so much that there is anything wrong with him or that he did something so grievous that I couldn’t get past it. I just wasn’t feeling those butterflies you feel when you want to kiss someone. And then there was the fact that he introduced me to his mom. Yes, you read that right. On Date #2, I met his mother who, by the way, already knew who I was. So there was that.

But most importantly, I just felt like we had nothing in common. I totally want someone to bring some diversity to my life, but there has to be some common ground and understanding. There was not. Pretty much everything he said I could hear myself thinking – I disagree – and that’s just not the makings of a good relationship.

So towards the end of the night, I began employing my “what to do when a date isn’t going well” strategies hoping to potentially repel said fellow. And when I hadn’t heard from him for a few days, I congratulated myself on a job well done. But alas, the very polite gentleman got in touch again last week – despite the fact that he is across the country in the middle of the ocean. Sigh. Time to implement The Phase Out.

What’s The Phase Out? you ask… Well, duh, it is exactly what it sounds like. It is when you are too chicken-shit to say “Hey, thanks for those nice and thoughtful dates, but I don’t want to do you. So, um, sorry!” And instead, you just let the budding relationship lose momentum by slowly letting it fade away.

Now judgers, hold your tongues. I know you’ve all done this from time to time. Is it the most mature way to handle something? Probs not. But it is a lot kinder than telling someone that there is absolutely nothing they could have done differently, you are just not into them.

So how do you execute a successful phase out? Here are my tips:

1. Evaluate if this situation has phase out potential. Certain scenarios lend themselves better to the phase out than others. For instance if one or both or you are traveling and/or have a large project at work. This helps immensely because no one can blame you for being hard to get a hold of and it is a natural momentum killer. So if you can plan a last minute business trip or take charge on a new work initiative, by all means, do so.

It’s also important to recognize that not all “relationships” are phase-out able. If someone is quite invested, it isn’t fair to just avoid them and let them wonder(/cry) about what they did wrong. Frankly, it would be kinder to just rip the band-aid off (albeit less comfortable for you).

Now, in my current situation with the juror, I do feel like this guy is disproportionately invested in someone he has been on 2 dates with. However, I am hoping that the fact that he is gone for the next 3 weeks makes my phase out attempt plausible.  We shall see…

2. Check your tools. Are you connected via social networks? Do you have friends in common? If so, this is the time to begin seeding these people and places with information. Talk about how busy you are, or how sick you are, or how stressed you are… whatever. It’s good evidence to back up whatever you are telling him. When I am really in a pickle, I begin posting on Facebook about my secret dating blog. That’ll scare them away just about every time. Weird, no one wants to star on Sex and the Twenties…

3. Don’t initiate contact. This one is obvious (I hope). But to be clear, I don’t care if you left your scarf in his car or you accidentally get drunk and want attention – no excuse makes contacting him ok. Should you initiate contact for any reason then you have ruined your ability to phase out. At that point you are just confusing the poor gal or fellow and your only option is a direct conversation. Those are the rules my friends.

4. Be slow to respond. If you answer his call or write back to every text right away, he’s going to think you are still super interested. If possible, time your responses so that they come at times that are hard for him or her to answer (eg during the work day). By waiting you are reinforcing that you are super busy while simultaneously making it harder for you to have a back and forth conversation.

5. Which bring me to my next point – avoid witty banter. This one is tough for me. I am a flirt and sometimes funny things just come to me. However, when executing a phase out, it is best to just be a snore. Keep texts and/or calls short and uninteresting. No sense in rubbing  their face in what they can’t have…

6. Don’t ask questions. When talking/texting any tactic that will extend the conversation longer, only hurts your cause.

7. Be committed. It’s called a phase out because it takes time. You can’t just be slow to respond to one text and think the person will get the message. This is all about being consistent over time to acheive desired results. Be patient, young grasshopper.

8. And finally, know when to throw in the towel. The phase out is only successful approx 50 percent of the time and you have to accept when it just isn’t going to work. In these cases you have two options 1. Nicely tell them you don’t like them (so awkward!) or 2. Make up something that is at least kind of true (think, “I’m not over my ex!“).  At this point you’ll need to be super clear, so don’t beat around the bush or say things about how maybe, down the road, things will be different. This guy or girl deserves to get on with his life and you deserve to stop feeling guilty for not liking them.

And there you have it – a detailed step-by-step on how to phase out someone  after a few dates. Now, if you have any additional ideas, leave me them in the comments, as I am still mid-phase out with the juror. Please and thanks!

Yesterday I met a guy who truly impressed me and it was for one simple fact – he was confident and in control. That was it. In fact, his confidence was so compelling that it overrode my normal “Quick! Run!” impulses and kept me talking to him all day long.

And then today, when I found myself smiling after agreeing to going to dinner with said fellow, I thought holy heck – this guy is a genius. You see, I’ve been quite busy coming up with reasons not to go on dates for the past 2 months. Compelling reasons! I’ve told myself that I don’t have time. I should be focusing on me right now. Work is busy. I should be training harder for my April goal, etc, etc… And then this guy comes out of nowhere (with all sorts of things that would normally make me run – younger, lives in PB, travels a ton for work) and gets me to agree to dinner? How did this happen?

I’ll tell you how – he was so gosh darn confident and in control, I didn’t have a chance to run away. And as I thought about it, I couldn’t help but wish that more men would approach me in this manner. So, since I adore all of my wonderful guy readers, I thought I’d give you a play by play on how this went down. This dude may just be a good one for you to pick up a few tips from…

Yesterday I had jury duty and I promise you, it never crossed my mind that I might meet an eligible bachelor in the process. If it had, perhaps I would have washed my hair… but I digress.

So there I was, attempting to get some work done while waiting to be called, when a fairly attractive guy comes and sits down in front of me. I immediately pondered (and then tweeted) if it was appropriate to hit on a guy at jury duty. The general consensus was that it was and after I caught him looking at me a couple of times, I decided to go for it. I leaned forward and asked him if he knew what time we would get out of there – and that was the last move I had to make.

He took the door I opened for him and started chatting me up. He was right in the middle of asking all the usual questions, (What are you working on? What do you do? How did you get into that? Where did you go to school?) when his name was called and our convo was cut short.

I won’t lie, my initial reaction was to be relieved. In my head, I began reminding myself of all of the many reasons why I shouldn’t be talking to any guys right now. But while I was formulating this list they called my name as well. What are the chances that out of the 500 something jurors there, we were going to be potential jurors on the same trial?? Sigh, off I went.

I took my sweet time arriving at the courtroom, thinking perhaps that would make it challenging for us to continue the chat. Turns out, the nice gentleman was not so easily dissuaded. When I got there, he came right up to me to pick up where we left off. And lo and behold, I found myself enjoying him.

Five minutes later, when they came out and told us they’d be calling us into court soon, he turned to me and asked me for my number. Frankly, I was surprised. We really hadn’t been talking that long, and I have seen so many guys get super awkward when it comes time for the digit exchange. So when he said, “Hey, it looks like they are going to call us in there soon, let me grab your number and maybe we can get together this weekend…” I didn’t even hesitate and just gave him my number.

Two minutes after that they informed us that actually we were going to have an hour and a half for lunch. I immediately thought, oooh awkward, but he just turned to me and asked me if I wanted to go to lunch with him. I quickly said yes before my head had a chance to come up with a million reasons as to why it would be better to eat alone.

The rest of the day, The Juror continued to impress. He suggested the place for our lunch, drove the conversation, and walked the fine line of flirting without creeping me out. I was kinda shocked that a guy two years younger than me could be this good at making a girl feel comfortable. I’ve met 30 year olds with less game! So, when I learned that we would have to come back the next day, I wasn’t all that distraught about it. I was actually kinda looking forward to getting to know this guy a little more.

Sadly, the next morning the young gentleman was dismissed within the first five minutes… leaving me stuck, all alone, waiting to hear my fate. When I did eventually get dismissed I anxiously checked my phone, thinking there’d be a text from him. Nada. I walked all the way to my car. Still nothing. Drove all the way home. Nope. It wasn’t until I’d been home for a bit that I saw the little green light on my phone flashing and thought, nicely done sir. No one likes someone who is too eager.

After we chatted a bit, I asked him how he planned on celebrating his new found freedom, and he responded, “Well that’s obvious. I’m taking you to dinner to celebrate.”

Um, well played… A. Kudos for saying dinner and not a drink and B. Way to be so bold! No asking, no awkward shyness. Just a straight forward, I am taking you to dinner. I liked it and I told him so. He followed it up with, when should I pick you up and I almost jumped up and down. A guy who offers to come pick a girl up?? Those still exist?? It’s a miracle.

So, just like that, I have my first date since The Texter. Some of you may be reading this and thinking that nothing The Juror did was really all that fancy. To which I would reply, you are darn right. That was the ingeniousness of it. There was no tricks, no game playing, nothing spiffy. Just good, old fashioned confidence and straightforwardness. Yes, it is that easy.

Therefore men, I implore you, when you see a lady you like, just go for it. Like for reals. Ask her out. Be blunt and straightforward and clear. Will it work every time? Nope. But if you go after something openly and obviously, I’d venture to guess that you’ll have a much better chance of getting what you want.

So what do you say? Sound like a deal? Excellent. You won’t be sorry.

Those of you who’ve been reading this blog for a while know that the vast majority of my online dating experience has been with Match.com – until recently. A couple of weeks ago realized I was paying my hard earned cash every month to be repeatedly crushed by guy after guy. That didn’t seem like an intelligent plan. So, since Match.com doesn’t seem to have a sponsorship program for popular dating bloggers (hint hint, guys) I decided to resort to the free online dating sites.

This was a big step for me… In the past, my theory was, if you can’t afford $30 a month to be on a site like Match, then you probably can’t afford to date me. However, since I CAN afford to be on said site, and am just tired of investing money in heartbreak, I realized that said rationale had flaws. Plus a couple of my friends had tried some of the free sites and thought they were great. So I thought, sure, what the heck.

I started my adventure in free online dating at Plenty of Fish. I saw a TV commercial and thought, wow if they can afford a broadcast spot, they must be doing pretty good! Pretty good for a free dating site can mean only one thing, lots of eyeballs on their site, which means many impressions to their ad spots. Impressions = users, and in my opinion, a large pool of applicants is a good place to start for a dating site. So, I went on over and started up my profile full of hope and optimism.

An entire 24 hours later, I deleted said profile… that was all it took for me to deduce that plenty of fish was plenty of creepy. I hadn’t had the time to fill out an actual profile – just a picture and some super basic facts – so I was a little shocked by the large influx of emails I received asking me out. Really guys?? Are you seriously asking out a girl you know absolutely nothing about? I can tell you are looking for long lasting love and companionship…

And the messages I received, well they were worse than even the worst match.com emails. Exhibit A: “Well…. Hey,hey,hey, now!!!!! haha How are you doing?” yick!

But my least favorite part of it all was just the layout of the website. Talk about not user friendly or aesthetically pleasing. It felt cheap. And the last thing you want to feel when trying to get a date is cheap. I highly suggest that the pull their money out of broadcast advertising and invest it in a site re-design to make it look a bit less “Craigslist Missed Connections” and a bit more Facebook. Just my two cents…

So I shut down my profile and moved on.

I had heard from some friends that OK Cupid was pretty decent, so with trepidation I headed over there. I will say, I was pleasantly surprised. Right off the bat, it was a much more visually appealing site. Easy to navigate, didn’t feel cluttered, and it had some cool features. I like that they ask specific questions to help you fill out your profile and the abilitly to see if someone replies often, selectively or rarely, is cool as well. I also found the “percent enemy” match ups were pretty entertaining – particularly when one guy emailed me and said, “wow, we are 97 percent enemies. Why do you thinks Ok Cupid thinks we’ll hate each other so much?”

And finally, I have to give them kudos for their email ploy. Upon receiving the following, “According to the views and messages you are receiving, you are one of the most attractive people on Ok Cupid,” I instantly liked the site better. Shameless flattery will get you everywhere…

All that being said, I still have replied to very few messages. I’ve noticed that, overall, the messages here were much less thought out than the ones I’d received on Match. It feels like people on this site just aren’t prepared to put in a lot of effort.

But even though I am not finding any of these messages particularly compelling, I feel pressure to respond to someone (anyone!) because I know there is a big red light next to my name that says “respond very selectively. ” I don’t want to discourage qualified gentleman from emailing me! Sigh, complicated.

In any case, I’ve decided that I will continue my OkCupid experiment for now – but at a minimum. I won’t be spending a ton of time perusing people, and I don’t really have the energy to reach out to guys. But I shall check the messages I get and respond when appropriate.

In the end, I suspect I’ll find that my original take on free online dating was accurate – not for me. However, it isn’t for the reason I once thought. It isn’t because I couldn’t date a guy who couldn’t afford to pay for an online dating profile. Rather, I think what it comes down to is this – the guys willing to pay for dating, are a bit more serious and committed to actually finding someone. They are willing to invest their hard earned cash because they truly want to find someone and it is important to them.

In fact, if I am being truly honest, I am a perfect example of what is wrong with free online dating. In the wake of the D “break-up”, I’ve been feeling jaded and cynical about dating. And yet, I don’t want to do nothing… so here I am, half-assing it on OK Cupid. Not likely that this is going to work out the way I’d hope.

So what about all of you? Anyone here a huge fan of free online dating, and if so, which site is your fave?

Last month I shared with you all a very personal post about my desire to end my 8 year “situation” with D. I won’t lie; I wasn’t really expecting much of a response, let alone a flurry of harsh comments. However, I am grateful that you all chimed in the way you did.

I am happy to report that despite some of your predictions, I have not gone running back to D. In fact, I’ve done exactly the opposite. I’ve ignored multiple text messages and calls from him. And then, two weeks ago, I switched my phone number. I can only hope he’ll give up soon after he realizes that my phone is permanently turned off.

Now some of you may be unimpressed (“So what!” “It’s about time!” you’ll say…) But for me, this is a big freaking deal. In years past I would have gone running back to him the second he called me, (assuming he even had to call me… half the time I’d break down and call him first). I would have told myself, clearly he misses me and secretly loves me, and I would have been right back where I started.

But this time is different. And the question that so many people have asked me is – why. Why am I done this time?

I’ve done a lot of self-reflecting on this because, frankly, my new-found clarity on the situation confused even me. I think that part of it was that when I put what happened into writing, even I could see how messed up it was. And then getting berated by some of you in the comments (while not totally pleasant) further helped me by letting me see the relationship through your eyes. Turns out, what I saw — sucked.

But there was one comment in particular that stuck with me the most and is probably largely responsible for this change. The first commenter, Nick, had many colorful things to say, including that this blog should probably be called “how to fail at dating.” But between his snarky quips, he also called me out on putting up with this bullshit from D while complaining about a guy who hadn’t kissed me yet. And that was the part I couldn’t brush off.

Obviously, he had a valid point. Why was I putting up with this crap from a guy I knew I had no future with and yet holding all other guys to these impossibly high standards? I am a smart/logical person and that really doesn’t seem smart, now does it… Why would anyone do that?

Here’s my theory. I think that each of us has a threshold for how much bullshit we can put up with in life and still feel happy and fulfilled. And while the amount of patience we have may vary by person, I believe we each have a cap. At some point, we just don’t have any more patience and understanding to give.

Clearly, I have invested a giant potion of my slack-cutting abilities into D out of necessity. Had I not, there is no way I could have put up with his many, many shortcomings and I would have had to end this long ago. But what I didn’t see until now, is that by giving him all my patience and understanding, I had nothing left to give any other guy. I was tired, and worn down, and in an effort to preserve my sense of self-worth, I didn’t have any more patience or understanding to dole out. So, instead, the second they fell short of my expectations – I just gave them the boot.

This realization hit me like a train. For years I have justified my relationship with D as a harmless distraction. He was just a guy that I liked a lot and that I could hang out with until I met the right guy for me. But what I failed to see is that I was never going to be able to recognize my Mr. Perfect, even if he was standing right in front of me because I didn’t have the patience left to give anyone a real chance.

Well crap! This means  I’ve been blowing it for a long time… But the good news is – I don’t have to keep going with this pattern.

I began to imagine what life would be like if I wasn’t expending all this energy excusing D for his pot smoking, alcoholic, asshole behavior. I bet I’d have a whole lot more patience stored up for the next guy I met. Maybe, just maybe, I’d be able to cut these nice guys who actually WANT to date me, a little slack. Now that sounds promising!

And so, just like that, I said goodbye to D (in my head) and moved on. And honestly, I am not looking back. It is all of a sudden so clear, so freaking obvious, that I can’t believe I never saw it before. The time has come to cut the toxic shit out of my life and to free up my energy for something good. So that’s exactly what I am doing.

In closing, I owe you all a huge thank you. For the past 8 years I have known I needed to find a way out of the D situation but I could never clearly see my path to freedom. And now, through your eyes, I have. So thank you. I can only hope that my resolve will inspire at least one other person who may also be devoting time, energy and patience to a guy who doesn’t deserve it.

My dear lady friends…. this is coming from a place of love. I am giving you the following advice because, gosh darn it, I have been there. I know how this story ends and you can trust me when I say, you don’t want to be that girl…

Which “that girl” am I referring to? The “that girl” who is in love with her best guy friend. You know, the girl who jumps at his beckon call, goes everywhere with him and does anything for him. The same girl who takes 400 pictures with said guy friend and uploads them all to Facebook to break-up the 30 something wall posts she’s left on his wall. The girl who is content to sit on the sidelines and mean-mug every girl her guy friend dates because she is sure that one day he is going to realize, hellooooo, he’s got the whole package right in front of him…. Yes, that girl.

I was recently reminded of my time as that girl when I became Facebook friends with the text-happy boy from my previous posts. Now, that kind sir and I have since parted ways (although not before I got a good makeout session out of him) but, fortunately, he is still providing me with blog fodder thanks to his “best” girlfriend.

I originally met this girl at The Texter’s birthday party and I knew instantaneously that she had the hots for him. Signs were as follows:

1.She was wearing an excepitionally short skirt in the middle of winter

2. She was hanging all over him and taking one million pictures with him

and 3. she spent the majority of the evening giving me dirty looks.

Despite all this, I can honestly say, I wasn’t that concerned with her. As obvious as it was that she was putting a ton of effort into getting his attention, it was equally obvious that he had a complete lack of romantic interest in her. In fact, he described her to me as, “the girl who answers my phones…”

Fastforward to a few weeks later when we became Facebook friends and I see that pretty much every single one of his pictures from the last year was tagged by her and came with some “cute” caption about being besties or including a <3. I also see that on the few pictures that weren’t tagged by her, she had commented and/or liked pretty much every single one. And then there was the wall itself…  links, wall posts, likes and comments – one after the other – all from this girl and only half of which even received a response from him.

When I looked at all this I just felt sad for her because I have SO been her. I’ve been there where you think, ohhh these poor girls your best guy friend is dating. They are all so dumb because he is secretly in love with you. And you think one day, for sure, he is going to finally cross that line and you’ll have the ultimate relationship – friendship + sex. And you just keep the dream alive, pining away as he dates girl after girl while he takes you on Target runs and stays up late at night talking to you about his family and his dreams. You don’t feel weird about peeing all over his Facebook wall, because gosh darn it, this is practically a relationship and none of these other girls matter anyway. They are probably so jealous of you, right?

No. Wrong.

Guess what, best girl friend… he’s not sleeping with you. And he is sleeping with all those other girls. So nothing else matters! You are the one who looks dumb, not them. And even though he’s giving you all this attention, and even though he tells you how awesome you are, and brings you along to join him with everything he’s doing – he doesn’t like you. He likes feeling adored. You, my dear,  are the most convenient girlfriend ever… you feed his ego, you are available anytime he feels lonely, and yet you can’t get mad at him when he goes out and bangs hot dumb chicks. Who wouldn’t like that?

Now I know what some of you are thinking, well he’s not sleeping with me yet but I KNOW he likes me – everyone says so. And to that I say, yep, been there too. You know what happened? We finally slept together and then he met a girl the very next morning who he has been dating ever since. I shit you not – they live together.

Soooo word to the wise, even if you do finally hook up, you probably still won’t win. Best friendships that turn into working relationships are few and far between and I’d venture to guess that in most cases the relationship started as an actual friendship. You know, one where one of you was not obviously in love with the other…

The reality is, most of the “that girls” who read this post are so deep in denial that they won’t even recognize that this is about them. Sad for them. But for the few of you reading and thinking, oh crap, that kind of sounds like me – fret not. I have a couple of key pieces of advice for you:

I can tell you from experience, being a bitch to his girlfriend/(s)… not the way to go. My ex-bestie no longer talks to me because his girlfriend hates me. I can also tell you that you should pump the brakes on the public displays of affection (Facebook or otherwise). You aren’t his girlfriend. I know it feels that way, but you aren’t. And really, you are just embarrassing yourself.

And finally, and probably most importantly, I’d recommend you step back and take a hard look at this guy – is he worth this? Any guy that is willing to string along a girl who is so obviously head over heels for him raises a big red flag in my book. Clearly this is an insecure guy who needs his ego petted and who isn’t concerned with whom he hurts. What a selfish ass! This isn’t appropriate friend behavior and truly, it reflects poorly on him.

In the end,regardless of what you do, liking someone who doesn’t like you in that way, sucks. It sucks even more when it is a friendship that you truly value. But what I am hoping to help you accomplish here, is dealing with this shitty situation in the least dramatic way. Simply living in denial about the true nature of your relationship will only keep you from finding other, real relationships, while getting you laughed at by his girlfriends. And please believe, you owe it to yourself to know that you  are much too awesome for that.

Last weekend I was out and about, enjoying life at our local pub, when I ran into D’s roommates. As always, I was stoked to see them. I’ve known them for 10 years, and I have always had a sort of younger sister relationship with them. They are also the ones who introduced me to D 8 years ago.

When the guys saddled up at the bar, I asked them if they left D at home. Now, this wasn’t intended to be a loaded question. I can’t count the amount of times I’ve run into D’s roomies, sans D, because my little darling is a tad on the anti-social side and generally avoids the bars. So I was surprised that they got a little squirmy and awkward when I asked that question. One of them finally told me that D was on a trip and it didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that D wasn’t on a trip by himself…

So I asked, “um is he with a girl?” Which was received with more awkwardness. After much dodging of questions I deduced that D was in fact on a trip with a girl – most likely his on and off again, 20 year old ex.

I won’t lie, this information was pretty shocking to me considering we had sex 5 days prior. Funnily enough, he didn’t mention this trip, or this girl, when he called me up on that Sunday and invited me over. Nor did he mention it when he came over to my apartment the week before.

Some of you will say, well, that’s what you get for being in a friends with benefits relationship. And ya know, as a general rule of thumb, I’d agree with you. When you have no commitment from the other person, then you can’t get mad that they are out fucking other people.

But a year ago, when I let D back into my life, it was under one condition – he could never do what he had done to me, again. Although I have referenced his major fuck up in the past, I never shared the details as it was prior to the existence of this blog and, frankly, I felt like it was rock bottom in my dating life. But because it is relevant, I will share it now.

One night, back in July of 2010, I was still stinging from my break up with Mr. Not Quite Right and had just started hanging out with D again. We were having a lovely sleepover when I was awoken at 5 AM by his ringing phone. It rang once and we ignored it, and then it rang again. D got up and left the room and I went back to sleep. When he came back in the room he was frantic and told me I needed to leave because his girlfriend was outside.

Wait WHAT. Your WHAT?!

I was in shock, half asleep, butt-naked and pissed… but all I could come up with was, “Who comes over at 5 AM?? Where the hell has she been all night?” What a winner.

So I dressed in like 1 minute, he shoved me into a side room, told me to wait there, and then let his girlfriend into his room. My heart was beating out of my chest as I tried to quietly make it out the front door.

As I drove the 30 minutes back to my house, it set in what had just happened and I was mad. Actually I was furious. It was a different type of mad, something I have never felt before in all of the many times I’ve been annoyed with him. I just couldn’t help but think,How fucking dare he? How could he put me in that position? And after knowing me for so long… I actually thought he had a little respect for me, even if he wasn’t able to commit. Clearly, I was wrong.

Right then and there, I stopped talking to him, and would still be not talking to him, had it not been for the apology. A year ago, when he repeatedly asked for forgiveness, he seemed so sincere and I truly believed he would never put me in that situation again. Bummer, I was wrong.

Naturally, I reacted to the information from his roomies in the usual Cali way. Got drunk. Went back to D’s house with the guys. Made out with one of D’s hot friends (only because I needed the distraction and because it was slightly more fun since it was on D’s turf). And then I vowed to cut him out for forever – yet again. I even came up with a whole plan to switch my phone number to my work cell. That way, in a few months I wouldn’t get an apology call and get sucked back in.

Welp… D was a bit too quick for me. I received a text at 8:20 AM today, which I can only assume means he must have learned that I was at his house the weekend before and is trying to gauge just how pissed I am.

Suffice to say, my morning was ruined. I honestly didn’t know what to do. If I were to just not respond, it would definitely solicit more response from him – possibly an angry one. Plus (and I know this sounds ridiculous) but even as livid as I am at him, I know if I were to just ignore him, it would hurt him. And, fuck me, I just can’t bring myself to hurt him intentionally.

But if I respond… I am vulnerable. I absolutely can’t do this to myself again. I can’t handle anymore heart-wrenching sadness.

So, I consulted Sister Bradshaw, my 24 year old sis, who luckily was online at this early hour, and she told me to just respond, but in a manner that wouldn’t open the door to conversation. That way I am not stooping to his level, or giving him the satisfaction of knowing I am pissed. But I am also not opening the door for an apology. It made sense to me, so I responded to his question, “How’s it going?” with a text that just read, “It’s going great!’

He wrote back, “Well that’s good ” and to that, I did not respond.

I felt great about my course of action. Does this response guarantee that he is out of my life for forever? Fuck no. But I think I was delusional if I thought any one thing would guarantee me that freedom. Even if I had switched my number, it’s not like I don’t have his number memorized. Chances are I’d get drunk one night (probably post my next big break up) and call him. And then all that work would be for not.

The only real way for me to cut him out is for me to actually decide, in my heart, that I am better than this. That I deserve to be with a guy who doesn’t crush my heart once a year. A guy who won’t lie to me, a guy who will commit to me, a guy who believes he’s good enough for me too. Then D can text me all the livelong day and I won’t spend a second stressing over how to respond.

So the real question isn’t whether I should respond or not respond to my ex’s text. Rather, it’s how do I get to a place where the response doesn’t mean a thing. When I figure that out, I’ll be sure to let you all know…

Every few days or so, I open my email to a reader asking for advice on their current dating situation. My initial reaction is usually to laugh. Dear readers, what about my repeated failed relationships makes you think that I am any sort of expert in dating?!

But then, as I read through their stories, I always come to the conclusion that I do, in fact, have some advice. I suppose what they say is true… “those who can’t do, teach.”

After answering my fair share of these emails, I’ve realized my advice is pretty much always the same – cut the bullshit. You don’t know if she wants you to see you again? Call her and find out. He has a girlfriend that he might break up with but it’s complicated? Don’t talk to him until he’s single. You think you have no game and want to get better at hitting on girls? Stop emailing me and go hit on every girl that walks by.

The truth is, when you are on the outside looking in, the answer is always obvious. When it comes to dating, we all spend entirely too much time running in circles and, frankly, it’s just not worth it.

Now, I know what you are thinking… Sure, Cali, you tell others to be direct, but when have you ever taken your own advice? That’s easy – never. In fact, upon recently reading my journal from high school, I discovered that my pattern of – like a guy, get confused, run away/makeout with someone else – has been going on since the very start of my dating career. And we all know how well that’s been working out for me…

So last night, when I was at dinner with a good friend, I realized the time had come to take my own advice.

For those of you who follow me on Twitter, you may have seen my laments about the gentleman I have exchanged over 300 texts with, hung out 4 times with, and still have not kissed. True story. As I’ve mentioned, I don’t know how I feel about this guy yet, because frankly I don’t have enough information. But I do know that I have had quite enough of this texting bullshit. If you like me, kiss me. If you don’t, stop fucking texting me everynight. I don’t even text my best friends daily. Why would I be texting some dude I barely know??

But even though I have been annoyed by this situation for a good two weeks now, my behavior hasn’t changed in the slightest. When he texts, I respond in my best “friendly, but not overly-eager, slightly coy, could possibly be flirty” manner. I’ll have you know that this is a very challenging tone to achieve via text.

But last night, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it again. So after we texted back and forth I asked my friend, “Oh hell, can I just say, ‘so when are we making out?’”

She was fully in support of this plan, and as I thought about it further I realized, isn’t that the advice I would give myself? Wouldn’t I say, Dear Cali, you are way too pretty, cool and smart to be wasting your time and energy on this. Figure out where he stands and either move forward or move on. Worst case scenario, he now thinks you are a nut, and he stops texting you. Um, that’s a win.

After seven full seconds of thought, I pressed send. The response two seconds later?

“You wanna make out?”

Um no dumbshit, I am just texting you for the finger exercise. But I decided to play nice and just went with:

“Uh, yea.” To which he responded, “Hahaha! oh ok! Well I don’t know!”

So there you have it. Homeboy didn’t know where I stood anymore than I knew what he was thinking. So now, he knows. Two words – problem solved.

The conversation continued for awhile longer and after exchanging witty banter about us hanging out again, I went to bed feeling great about life. Who the fuck knows what he’ll do with this info, but the beauty is, I don’t really care. Last night, I was me. I said what I wanted to say and I got it off my chest. I stopped worrying about what he would think and just asked the question I wanted the answer to. And the rush I felt after this… well there’s nothing like it.

Now it’s your turn. This time, I am not only telling you to cut the bullshit when it comes to dating, I am attempting to model it for you. And if I can do it, so can you, right?!

For those of you who figured out the beauty of being direct long before I did, I implore you to share your stories of  success in the comments. Perhaps together we can inspire those still on the bullshit fence…