13 Sep
So, this week I turn 27. Yes, 27. Do you realize how old that is?? It is “late twenties” old.
Yikes.
And although I’m never a fan of getting older and more wrinkly, I’ve been dreading this particular birthday for awhile… You see, for as long as I can remember, I assumed I’d get married at 27. Well clearly that’s not happening and now I not only feel old, but I also feel like an under-achiever.
Of course, I know what most of you will say – “Oh get over it… you can’t plan your life! 27 is young! Yada yada…” And you know what, I completely agree with you. But that doesn’t make this milestone any less hard to swallow. I can’t help but feel, well, icky.
As I was expressing this sentiment to my boss (we’re tight like that) she mentioned she had a similar experience with her own milestone year. She said at the time her sister told her to stop looking at the birthday as a report card and start thinking of it as a progress report. So you aren’t where you want to be? What are you going to do to change it?
I mulled over her advice for a bit and decided I liked it. It’s not like life is over at 27! I have plenty of time to make changes. So I shall.
And the good news is, when it comes to dating, I am already well aware of some changes I can make. In fact, I am well aware of a LOT of changes I can make. So in honor of my 27th birthday, here is a list of 27 things I’ve learned about dating this past year. Perhaps by applying the below lessons, I’ll be able to move forward in the dating world and maybe, just maybe, this will be the year I fall in love.
27 Dating Lessons
1. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Walk away from these people – quickly.
2. Lot’s of people are afraid of facing their fears (dating or otherwise) and there is no shame in admitting your afraid.
3. Guys can be full of shit. Not all guys, but some, and I won’t be forgetting that lesson again anytime soon.
4. If you are in a dating rut, quitting isn’t always the answer. Try doing something different. Shake things up… who knows what will happen.
5. No one thinks I should be with D… I hear ya peeps, I do. And I am working on it.
6. You can’t judge yourself for your past dating mistakes. All that does is make you feel like shit, and often feeling like shit just makes you commit more mistakes. Damn cycle.
7. It’s hard to ignore really hot sex. BUT hot sex, does not a relationship make. Too bad!
8. There are a lot of guys who don’t know crap about writing a good online dating email and it is not worth it to let every “heeeeeyyy sexy girrrrl!!!” depress you.
9. Plans don’t always pan out. See the top of this post.
10. Everyone wants different things out of a relationship. What works for you may not be the type of relationship that works for your friends (or your blog readers). Don’t worry about what others think or do, and if you are happy, go with it. It’s your journey.
11. Just because a guy isn’t wearing a wedding ring, doesn’t mean he isn’t married. Sigh.
12. The only really good way to avoid looking like a jealous bitch is to not hang out with people who will make you jealous. Period.
13. Despite the fact that most girls seem to share the same sentiment about the rampant over-use of emoticons, there seems to be a few passionate guys defending them. Ladies, I guess we are just going to have to learn to deal?
14. If you have a bite mark on your leg, there is no way to convince someone that said bruise is anything other than a bite mark.
15. There is a fine line between taking it slow and taking it nowhere. To avoid the latter, stay out of “friendly” hang outs in the beginning and never, ever, discuss taking it up the ass.
16. Girls sometimes obsess so much over whether a guy likes them that they forget to ask themselves about how they are feeling. This is not beneficial for anyone. Don’t do it.
17. Being good on paper doesn’t mean shit. Again, sigh.
18. While you do sometimes have to play the game, there are definitely times in dating where being direct and cutting the bullshit will make your life a lot easier.
19. Changing your number will not stop you from calling someone you want to call.
20. If someone is leading on their best friend, that should be a red flag. This person is someone who really likes his/her ego-petted and isn’t afraid to “use someone” to get it done.
21. It is extremely hard to be open to meeting someone new if you are still hung up on someone from your past.
22. Free online dating isn’t all bad. While I doubt I’ll ever try Plenty of Fish again, I actually had an OK experience on OK Cupid. (Pun intended).
23. A guy who is confident and in control is automatically much hotter. I am going to continue to look for these elusive males.
24. Sometimes, the phase out is the way to go. I know some of you weren’t so thrilled with this plan, but I gotta say, it has been effective a few times in the past year. It still works!
25. We all have days where we think we are going to die alone. AND these days pass…
26. Stay away from guys named Brad – I have kissed 2 guys named Brad and both disappeared on me. Brad = bad.
27. Girls can be bat-shit crazy. Sometimes it is easy to blame the dudes for the disaster that is dating in your twenties, but the truth is, we’re all guilty. We confuse guys, we demand a lot, and sometimes, we are just flat out crazy. It’s best to keep that in mind when dating and throw the guy a bone every now and then. It’s rough out there for everyone.
So there you have it… I think I am officially ready to enter my 27th year of life now. Bring it on love. I am ready for you!
i absolutely LOVE your blog! i check it everyday, hoping you’ve done another! don’t ever stop this blog pleaseeee :)
Ah thanks Lucy! I’ll do my best to keep finding things to write about :) It’s a lot easier when I am actually dating…
I just found your blog a couple of days ago! You are very much like me- especially your no-bs ways. Keep it up! And good luck to you! (Ps I am from Canada and dating is just as stressful here).
Hi Amanda,
Thanks for the comment and always love to hear when people can relate! Makes me feel less cray :) Good to know about Canada… one of my besties was on a “we should move to Canada” trip for awhile and now I am glad I didn’t listen ;)
XO,
Cali
I like #24…that has worked for me a few times in the past! But I think it depends on the guy and the chemistry you had together for the phase out to work. But that seems to be the only way I can end relationships. I wholeheartedly believe the old adage: out of sight, out of mind! Perhaps that’s why I’m still single at 30 :( Bad habit of phasing men out!
Thanks for the comment Nikki! I am sure you never phased anyone good out… You probably just haven’t met someone worth keeping around! :) – Cali
Hi Cali!
Great list! I always try to set my age in goals but it’s been getting more and more difficult each year for obvious reasons…
All the best,
Steve
Haha yea, I mean, it would be swell if next year it wasn’t so easy to think of 27 things I could do better ;)
Thanks for the comment!
Cali
Amen. I’ll be reaching you soon (technically, 29 is old – you still have time! I kid). I’ve just discovered this blog and I’ve had my shares of ups and downs like everyone but it has helped reinforce everything I know and have learned. It helps to know you’re not alone!
Play the game well ladies, being afraid of failure will lead you to detrimental behaviour. I take every day as it comes because as we know, your whole world can change very quickly.
Happy Birthday!
#15 If a guy insists on taking it slow AND insists on treating you like a lady, he probably holds you in high regard. I don’t think that applies to asking whether you like taking it up the ass. That’s just comical, in a sad sort of way.
#23 They exist but may otherwise occupied with other girls. Watch out for guys who are very aggressive, they’re usually hiding something.
You missed one, maybe worth adding next year…
#28 Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Recycling old relationships just leads to the same old disappointments. Predictability is comfortable but a waste of time in the bigger picture of things.
Thanks for sharing. Reading your blog convinced me to take another chance with online dating, which has been working out pretty good so far. Plus, just getting out there and finally ‘breaking the seal’ has lead to good results IRL too.
I wish you the best of luck in your journeys.
Happy Birthday!
Evan
#15 NO. You can’t manage desire, either you feel it or you don’t. If you don’t feel you’re just trying to make sth work in real life that only sounds good on paper.
#23 Again, NO. They are guys with options and maybe the girl is not the best option. Quite often no serious relationship with any girl is probably the best option to them. That’s life. Most men will never date a playboy bunny because she has options, too.
#15 I completely agree that desire can not be managed (ie it just is or isn’t) but how you react should matter. If it’s somebody you truly like, you don’t want to come off as just another swinging hard-on with impulse control issues.
That’s where Mr. Butt Pirate blew it but it sounds like he is either a classless douche or was just looking for some easy trim (with anal).
#23 True but even most guys who have options will eventually get tired of playing the field and open up to the possibility of something more substantial. It can happen but if it does, make sure you’re free of any clingy exes or you’ll probably get passed over as ‘the needy girl with baggage’. Good luck.
Happy Birthday! And that’s a great list. You really shouldn’t feel bad at all- a great many people much older than you haven’t learned half as much as you have.
A few thoughts: I’ve been following your blog for a while, and your “thing” with D may very well be why you’re not married yet. Then again, isn’t the average age for marriage around 28-29 these days? So, if you can do something about him soon, you might still be “on track.” Besides, your 20′s are for having fun, and it’s sounds like you’ve done that. My first marriage was at 25, and looking back, I’ve often felt it was too young. Don’t get too caught up on the age- it really is just a number.
Also, don’t knock the free sites (too much, lol) I met my current husband on PoF. You probably do have to spend more time weeding out the bottom-feeders on the free sites, but I saw a lot of them on pay sites as well. The quality WILL rise to the top, eventually.
Good luck to you!
Happy Birthday Cali! So you’re a virgo eh? No wonder you’re so picky! :P I hope you get all you ever wished for and more! And I hope you have many, many more birthdays to come!
heyy cali, your blog is so great, i found it during searching “why he hasnt called”. just wanted to share my story with you, hope you can give me some good advice.
well there’s this guys i met on holiday, in the begging he would always text me first, reply quickly and we eventually went out when we returned both from our holidays.our first date was good but we ended up having sex, i know i should have waited but i really like him, so yeah..sex was amazing and he even told me so and asked me to see me the next day, and thats what happened. we had a nice time again and then after two days that we’ve texted i had to leave for a week, we kept in touch. i got back and he would text me every night asking me if i have plans and telling me his plans but we still hadnt met again, then one day he sent me an apologetic text about how he still hasnt seen me all these days and that he wanted to see me the next day because he would be out of town on the weekend, but the next day never made a move. he left for 4 days, we kept in touch and when he got back he texted me asking if he’d ever see me. next day i texted him first and he reply my with a huge text all in detail about his busy program saying that we’ve lost touch, he even called me later on and since he got an appointmenet for a job at the same neighboorhood i would be hanging with my friends for coffee the next day, we said we would talk. i texted him next day, called me right away and told me we would talk later when his job yould be over. and i never got a text or a call!that was on thursday night and now its monday! i dont get why he dissapeared, its the longest time we havent spoken and he seemed like he wanted to see me, let alone he did keep in touch with me all this time, even though i was out of town for a week, and later on he was out of town too! sorry for the long post!!
Ugh Elle, I feel ya. This happens to me all the time (in NYC). I guess the upside of it happening all the time, is that I have gotten good at parcelling out my feelings after. (I also realized how often **I** do this to guys…it’s easy to forget that you yourself pull the disappearing act now and again).
Here’s the thing, a MILLION things could have happened with this guy.
1. He could have met someone else
2. He’s just too busy with work to devote time to a relationship and feels like you deserve more of a commitment (you do).
3. He just realized that this is kind of hard and he’s not into you *enough* to put in the effort.
4. He died in a tragic subway accident.
5. He’s a douche, and he’s pulling the post sex phase out.
etc. etc. etc.
There are seriously ENDLESS reasons why he didn’t call you again. But, those don’t matter. What DOES matter is that he hasn’t called you. If a guy thinks you are absolutely wonderful and wants to pursue something, he WILL contact you. If you’re still feeling uncomfortable about this, go ahead and text him. Why not? This is the 21st century after all.
But honestly, don’t you want a guy who doesn’t give you all the run around? I, personally, would never want to date someone who “just totally forgot” about me for like five straight days. I want someone who can’t keep me out of his mind.
My dating motto is basically, in the beginning it should just WORK. It shouldn’t BE work. It shouldn’t be so hard. Relationships are hard obviously, but if it’s this difficult right at the start…it’s probably not worth my time.
So I say, get back out there and meet some new prospects! Best case scenario #1: you meet a keeper. Best case scendario #2: this guy calls you back and you didn’t waste pointless energy worrying about him. Worst case scenario: there isn’t one.
Best of luck Elle!
#5 Not even D thinks you should be with D. Low blow but I hope that makes it easier for you to end this “relationship” once and for all.
#8 How many messages do you get per day on OKcupid? It’s very easy to spam these messages to 30-50 girls. The fact that he writes lots of e’s, y’s and r’s indicates that OKcupid is already preventing him from sending the original message “hey sexy girl!!!” because he spammed to many girls with it. (At least that’s how it is on POF) Some girls will answer, he’s playing the numbers game. The fact that you even think about it is a big mistake…dating rule #28 maybe!?
Hey girl, I’ve been following your posts for a few months now and since your dating life pretty much mimics my own, I feel the need to bitch to you about the guys method to the phase out….my complaint is – why do guys feel the need to use the “sorry I’ve been out of touch, works been really crazy” line on girls they are trying to phase out? we know it’s b.s. so why can’t you just be honest with the girl? whether they are 24 or 34 they all use the same damn line. it’s just sad. It’s not only sad that they still use it, and think that it actually works, but if it were even remotely true…it’s sad that their work life is SO busy that they can’t even talk to somebody on the phone…I need some insight on this. When a mans main purpose in life is to prove to everyone else how big their balls are why when it comes to relationships have their balls suddenly become non-existant?
There are a few possible reasons:
#1 He may really be busy with work. Most/all guys have ambitions beyond dating/relationships. That takes hard work and dedication.
#2 If you’re just ‘dating’. It’s a lot more polite to say ‘I’ve been busy’ than to say, you’ve been voted off the island by other more attractive and interesting girls. Besides, some females will do terrible, crazy, spiteful things in the face of rejection. Better to fade-to-black.
#3 Are you ‘seeing’ each other (ie sex without relationship). Then technically he’s not obligated to do anything because you’re not in an exclusive relationship.
Note: If you slept with a guy on the first date and you haven’t broached the awkward ‘are we in a relationship’ talk yet thereby elevating things to exclusive and/or committed, consider yourself to be ‘seeing’ him.
Personally, I try to handle this with ‘kid gloves’ because there may be some underlying feelings and emotions involved. The hardest part is accepting that it’s guaranteed to end eventually. Handled with enough patience both people can go their separate ways with their dignity in tact and a lot of bittersweet memories.
#4 You are in an ‘exclusive relationship’. Maybe the degree that you depend on him emotionally is suffocating and he can’t be happy/healthy living like that.
Phasing out a long-term relationship is not fun no matter how you look at it. It will get a lot worse before it gets better but you should definitely expect some closure when you finally agree to go your separate ways. Still, it beats the typical quick-break that can lead to months/years of break-ups, make-ups, disappointment, and wasted life.
What it all comes down to is, why do you personally feel entitled to get a call from somebody who has lost interest? Doesn’t the act of calling itself contradict the message. Come on, us guys do understand that everything we do may or may not get held under a microscope, analyzed, and possibly mis-interpreted by women.
Relationships at a very basic level are very simple. If you like somebody you give them your undivided attention. If you don’t you move on.
It sucks but better to let go and shed old baggage than to let it interfere with your life when you do finally meet the right person.
And, the ‘phase out’ does work for guys. 100% of the time. At least for him. It’s cold, I know, I’m sorry.
Thanks Evan for your comment – Although I think I could have written word for word all the “logical” reasoning behind this situation but I more so just wrote the message in the first place because frankly I just find it amusing. (not your responses – the fact that guys continue to use the “I’m busy” excuse).
I could write an entire novel and explain my situation and how lame it is (because well the lamest part is is that we have very mutual friends so I know I will see him again…and again…AWESOME) and how I’m so wonderful (haha) but I’m not going to. it is what it is, and I’m clearly not going to waste my time on somebody who doesn’t want to be a part of my life….onward and upward.
You’re right, reason doesn’t change a thing when strong emotions are involved. Hopefully you will find a way to make a quick, clean break so you can free yourself of that terrible feeling.