27 Aug
My behavior this week has not been, um, my classiest. OK, it hasn’t been classy at all. In fact, the choices I made this week very much reminded me of what I oh-so-fondly refer to as my “slutty phase” during the 18th year of my life.
You see, this past week, I may or may not have slept with 2 different guys, 2 nights in a row. I know, yeesh. Mind you, they are both guys I’ve slept with many times before and who I know very very well, but that didn’t make it any less awkward to explain the bite mark on my thigh to gentleman #2…
But here’s the thing, even though I didn’t practice much (/any) self control this week , I don’t feel the least bit bad about it. I know I probably should. I probably should be kicking myself for being so impulsive and horny – but I’m not. And that makes me wonder… am I a slut?
Now, I know everyone had a very different opinion as to what makes someone slutty, but there seem to be a few reoccurring ways that people measure sluttiness. These include the following:
- Your number of partners
- Your willingness to do “dirty” things in the bedroom
- The number of one night stands you’ve had
- The way you dress
While I see why people look to these four factors to determine sluttiness, I actually don’t think any of this is particularly relevant. In my opinion, these traditional ways at categorizing someone as a slut negate a few key factors and are often looked at out of context. Allow me to explain…
Let’s start with the people who judge someone’s level of sluttiness based on the number of people they’ve slept with. I think this is an extremely flawed strategy for 2 reasons -1. There is no one standard for what “number” makes you a slut. Is it double digits? Anything above 20? Different for guys and girl? Who can tell.
And 2. The number means nothing without context. For example, let’s pretend you’ve only slept with 5 people BUT those 5 people are the only people in the entire world you could get to sleep with you. That means you’ve slept with 100 percent of your opportunities. On the other hand, say you’ve slept with 13 guys but have had a 100 opportunities to have sex. This would make you much more discerning, despite having a larger overall “number.”
I feel that if we are going to gauge a person’s sluttiness using a number, than it should at least be the proportion of their number to their potential number.
As for the people who think being “scandalous” in the bedroom makes you a slut, I am going to have to go ahead and disagree with that too. There is an infamous “Cali and D” story from back when I was 17 where I gave young D head in the walk-in fridge. For years I cringed at that memory, thinking eek, what a slutty and naive thing to do. But now, as I have matured and grown comfortable with my sexuality, I’ve realized that that incident, was actually just me enjoying sex. I’ve always liked taboo things in the bedroom and love the “I have to have you now” feeling. And the truth is, I wasn’t giving him a bj in the walk-in because I was insecure or felt pressured into it – it was because I thought he was hot as hell, I wanted to, and I thought it was fun to get him off.
9 years later D is still pushing my boundaries in the bedroom and I don’t have a single regret about the things I’ve tried with him. They are often surprisingly enjoyable and being adventuresome has increased the level of intimacy between us 100-fold. I hardly think that being willing to experiment and spice things up makes me a slut, even if D isn’t my significant other.
Now, I do sort of understand those who look at the number of one night stands as an indication of sluttiness, but again I think this number has to be qualified. I see a big difference in the “oh I hooked up with my friend only once” and” I just slept with a random at a bar.” For instance, out of the 13 guys I’ve slept with in the past 9 years, technically 4 of them were one night stands. But of those 4, they were all friends of mine and people I knew a lot about prior to jumping into bed with them. In fact, one was my best friend/roomie, one was someone I’d made out with a few times before and another was a guy I dated for a month. So sure, I only slept with each of them once, but I am hardly running around sleeping with strangers. (Perhaps I’d have better luck if I was!)
And finally, to judge someone by how they dress is just silly. Some of the prudest girls I know wear the lowest cut shirts and the shortest skirts. And while I did behave pretty slut-like this week, I did it while wearing teal jeans and a long sleeve blouse. How you dress is simply a form of self expression and has no correlation with the likelihood that you’ll get naked. Anyone who says otherwise is just wrong.
The truth is, I do think there are a few things that qualify a girls’ behavior as slutty, but they aren’t these things listed above. To me, sleeping with someone you don’t like/aren’t attracted to just to have some attention for the night - is pretty darn slutty. I also think it is slutty to prioritize sex over everything else. Those girls who will put “getting laid” above their friendships, relationships and general morals, tend to cross that slutty line. And finally, girls who have no problem routinely dropping their pants on the first date… OK kinda slutty.
But the key here is I rarely think a girl is a slut. I think she may behave slutty for a certain period of time for any number of reasons (low self-esteem, too much life stress, rebelling, because she can, a genuine love for sex) but I refuse to believe that these actions or this time period then defines her. I think within each and every one of us there is a slut and an angel and I, for one, am glad I have made room for both of them throughout my life.
So that’s what I think. Now I’m curious – what is your take? What makes someone a slut or what behavior do you classify as slutty?
Simple, you cheat on someone, and by that I mean cheat on them while you are in an exclusive relationship with them that is not open, or polyamorous, you’re a slut.
The rest, nope.
Thanks for your input! Agreed, cheating on someone definitely qualifies as putting sex above your relationships and your friendships, both of which, I concur equates slutty behavior. Thanks for chiming in!
What about if ur the ‘other’ chick, like u get drunk one night (completely hammered) and then u hook up with a guy, who u know has a gf but ur not really thinking straight? What does that make the girl ?
I stopped think about/judging what qualifies slutty behaviour when one girl, whom shall I add was a self-confessed slut stopped hooking up with me when she found out I had out-slutted her durning one of my lucky periods.I mean WTF??? Maybe there is no such thing as a slut until such time everyone is congruent on the definition of a slut
I’d hardly consider that slutty. It’s a little bit trashy to hop right from one guy to another but you already made that distinction. Plus, it’s not like you’re dating anybody exclusively.
To me it sounds like you’re breaking out the tool bags to make up for some recent disappointments you’ve had with your dating life. I think the concept of women using sex as a temporary emotional reset isn’t all that unusual, even if society frowns on it.
‘Real’ sluts are much, much worse. They’re loose to the point where they’ll sleep with any guy who shows even the slightest inkling of interest. Some are attention-seekers, some are emotionally damaged (ex daddy issues), most are very insecure and need the validation to feel like they’re worth something. They’re easy prey for assholes, losers who otherwise can’t get laid, and guys who are looking for quick NSA booty.
There are also relationship sluts. In a committed relationship, it’s the girl who can’t be trusted on her own. As soon as her guy isn’t around she’s on the lap of the next guy trying to get a ride, or immediately running back to one of her exes for a night of ‘reminiscing sex’, or the girl who doesn’t have the courage to break up a bad relationship so she just sleeps around behind her boyfriend’s back instead.
Sex in public places has nothing to do with being slutty. The longest and most committed relationship I have ever been in was also involved the most high-risk sex. We had sex everywhere, dressing rooms, elevators, fire escapes, bathrooms, outdoors, in the aisle of a store once, in/on my car, on every surface of her apartment including the back patio. FYI, she was 27, had only been with three guys before me, two-of-which were 5+ year relationships. Sex in high risk situations isn’t slutty, it’s downright hot.
As for kinky, I’m not sure what to say. I dated a girl once who dragged me out to a sex convention because she was curious and interested in trying new things. First we sat through a detailed 45 minute presentation given by a heinously ugly and overweight woman. It was hard to take notes while blocking any/every visual but I managed. Then we took a tour of the BDSM tent and again, more fat, scrawny, ugly, awkward, spandex clad, saran wrapped, weirdos doing weird shit. None of it remotely resembling sex. I’m not sure what most people consider to be ‘kinky’ but anything beyond hot/cold, biting, scratching, and oxygen deprivation just gets sad. Sure, there were a bunch of cute topless strippers running around and the piercing-corset booth was interesting but I think a small part of me died that night in ‘the tent’.
13 isn’t a high ‘number’ for your mid-twenties. I’ve met slutty girls who would brag about sleeping with that many guys in a month. Honestly, until that study came out saying that the average number of sex partners the average man has is 7 I thought it was more like 25-30.
It’s good that you’re starting to emotionally detach from D but recycling the same old leftovers won’t change your situation.
You can’t expect the next guy you like to be a direct replacement for D after only a few dates. With him it took years to build that level of comfort and intimacy. It doesn’t matter how good a guy is in bed, that doesn’t just happen overnight.
Anyway, thanks for sharing your experiences. Makes a slow day at work more exciting. I hope you hit a lucky streak soon.
Slut is a dirty word used by someone insecure to degrade someone else. There is no exact definition for the word. Just like there isn’t one for creep. Being secure in your sexuality doesn’t make you a slut. It makes you fun. That may be my personal bias speaking but whatever. I don’t think anything is slutty. There are bad decisions sure but I don’t think those decisions would ever be able to launch someone into the slut column. Hell if a certain number will put you into the slut column, what about those people, like myself, that have been single and dating for a while and find bedroom chemistry to be something that needs to be tried out before taking the dive into relationship land. I honestly don’t care what a girls number is nor whether she’s hooked up 2 nights in row. I know that would be the pot calling the kettle black.
honestly, I have no idea how you do it but this post is right on time for me.
The way I see a slut is if they think they are being a slut. If you are comfortable with who you are and what you are doing then your not a slut. If you feel dirty and want to change, then you are probably right. Anything else would be stupid, no one can understand you more than yourself.
The term slut is often used to shame a girl who gives it away for a relatively low cost. In a social group, if a girl is giving it up easily and without any investment from the male, this hurts the other women in the group in terms of the value of their chastity. This is where slut shaming originates. So technically, yes, doing what you do makes it more difficult for a more conservative girl to find a respectable suitor..if another girl is giving it up with relative ease, why would a guy wait for a month or two, or longer? In today’s society it’s easier to be anonymous, so if you get shamed or called out, you can just change your social group or move.
its not about the number, its the circumstances that count. If u want to do something then do it…. but it ur getting fucked in the bathroom of a bar by a stranger then ull probably get labeled a slut. Fact of the matter is dont have regrets, the dumbest thing a person can do is say they regret a person they slept with cause of booze. If u use booze as an easy excuse then how can u expect anyone to trust you? you can make all the promises in the world but when you drink it doesnt count? Just do what you want because u want to and have no regrets. Ur not gonna please everyone
Cali,
I agree with you that slutiness is definitely a relative term. We all have our own definitions. We even learned in Sex and the City that even Samantha doesn’t want that judgemental look from Carrie. So as I ask myself what that means to me all I can really think of is someone who has sex without weighing out the aftermath. Cheating on someone or even worse being the lady on the side kinda takes the cake for me. I wouldn’t want to break up any relationship or hurt anyone. Yet I constantly see girls that just kinda shrug. Come on, could anyone feel worse than Carrie did when Natasha chased her and broke her tooth?
So completely right on all accounts. Sluttiness is fluid and doesn’t define a person. You can go through a slutty phase for a week, a year, or all of college, but learning from your mistakes is key and if you change your ways you shouldn’t have to be branded with the label “slut” forever. Also, those four things society considers slutty are a way of the past and completely illogical. Having sex for attention and putting sex above everything else, as you said, is definitely slutty. I would also add one more slutty criteria for the new generation: cheating. In most cases, it is slutty