Four months ago, I found myself at a bar in Chicago when an amazing Englishman walked up to me. Fresh off my “break-up” with the first guy I dated in NY (Brit 1.0), I was in a bit of a dating funk. I had spent much of the previous two weeks licking my wounds from the 1.0 crash and burn, and trying to figure out what my next move in the guy department would be. Should I jump back into NY dating scene and risk letting yet another guy crush me? Ouch, wasn’t sure I was ready for that… Perhaps I should run back to D on my next trip home to lessen the sharp pain of rejection? No, that didn’t sound right either. There had to be another choice, right?
Well, what I didn’t know yet, was that this gentleman in the Chicago bar (we’ll call him 2.0) was, indeed, offering me a 3rd option — one that I think actually saved my dating sanity at the time. And one, that you may even say, changed my life.
Allow me to explain.
When 2.0 sat down I liked him immediately. Sure, I undeniably have a thing for the English accent and the proper use of grammar (how could you not…) however, it was his mix of sarcasm, politeness and charm that made me laugh and smile for the entire 2+ hours I talked to him. I don’t remember much of what was said, I just remember thinking, why the hell are guys like this so rare??
After we talked for a few hours, 2.0 said he should probably get back to his friends (who he was in Chicago visiting). He told me it was too bad that we lived countries apart, because if circumstances were different he would definitely be getting my number, and then off he went, leaving me sitting there all sad and forlorn.
As a few more minutes went by I realized, this guy was a genius. I hadn’t been this interested in making out with a guy in a very long time. If this was game – it worked. Well played, sir.
Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long until he was back and after more chatting, we were off to find another bar – just the 2 of us. Or at least that was the plan until we realized it was 2 AM and not actually that easy to find an open bar. So, instead, we opted to head back to my hotel room. Now, I’d love to claim that I am a stranger to taking men back to my hotel rooms, but that would be a lie. I’ve done it on at least a few occasions. That being said, I never sleep with them and in most cases it has been an ex, or a friend, or something of that nature rather than just some random. But I figured, what the hell — we’ll go back, we’ll make out, we’ll cuddle – it will be swell. And honestly, it never even crossed my mind that I would sleep with him. I had never, ever, slept with a random in my life (not for lack of opportunities) and besides, I had spent ALL day eating crap — I looked like hell. There was no way I was getting naked in front of anyone. Or so I thought…
So, back to my hotel room we went, and when we started making out, something just came over me! I was thoroughly enjoying kissing this guy and found myself really, really wanting to have sex. As I kept trying to think of a reason not to, I realized I couldn’t come up with one. It’s not like sex would nullify a chance of a relationship… This dude lives in another country — I was clearly never seeing him again. And it’s not like all the times I had forgone sex had worked out so swimmingly for me. Perhaps I needed a new strategy. Besides, I told myself, I really needed some sex in my life. A large part of the reason I was even considering calling D when I returned home was that I was pretty much dying to have sex. So I figured, if I had sex with this random instead, I would no longer “need” to see D.
But the real truth was, I just liked him and I wanted to sleep with him. And so, right then and there, I just forgot about my insecurities/rules and went for it. And holy hell — best sex ever. Seriously. We had sex once that night, then cuddled all night and had sex twice in the morning… All of which I found very enjoyable. The intriguing thing was, in between all the sex we were talking and what not, and even in the harsh daylight and sobriety, I was still really liking this guy. Perhaps it was because I knew I’d never see him again, but I wasn’t worried about what I was saying, or what he was thinking, and I was just being me.
When he finally had to go, he kissed me goodbye and said, “Well I guess I am just going to walk out of your life now.” I very vividly remember this exact phrasing because when he said it I got a really overwhelming feeling of ick… But what could I do? We live in different worlds and we had said this would just be a fun one night thing. So, I just kissed him goodbye, wished him well on his way and began packing.
However, it didn’t take me long to decide to try and find him on Facebook, and after an hour or so of my best stalking, I successfully located his profile. Trying to appear cool, I sat on it for a few days, and then sent him a friend request with a note that said, “Just in case you ever make it to NY ;).”
In all honesty, I was totally prepared for him to ignore my friend request. It was a little stalker-esque to find him on FB. Furthermore, if Brit 1.0, who I dated for an entire month has ignored my friend request, I couldn’t really expect this guy to feel he owed it to me to stay connected after just a few hours. But I figured, on the offset chance that perhaps he had felt a little sad walking out that door too, I’d give him this opportunity. And if he didn’t accept, oh well. It was still awesome sex.
Well fortunately for me, 2.0 did accept my friendship and sent me a message saying that he would absolutely let me know if he was ever in NY. And at the time, I thought, great, my work here is done.
As it turns out, that was just the start. We began talking online, mostly just flirty, little short convos here and there. Then, when I got offered a speaking gig in London (a few hours from where he lives) we began planning a little rendezvous while I was in the country. We even had a Skype date once, and slowly but surely, I was starting to realize I had a legitimate crush on this guy. He’s exceptionally witty, cleverly complimentary and clearly quite smart and motivated. And the more I talked to him, the more I was looking forward to seeing him again.
But even as we began to plan out the specifics of our night together in London, I was still expecting him to bail out at the last minute. I kept telling myself, this guy barely knows you, you had a one night stand in Chicago and he is going to find plenty of reasons to not spend 6 hours commuting just to see you… D knew you for 10 years and the farthest he ever drove to see you was 30 minutes. Once. In 10 years.
However, I was wrong. Last night I opened up my door to see 2.0, at my doorstep, right when he said he would be. And without boring you with the lovey-dovey details, I had the nicest 24 hours with that man. It was amazing because on one hand it felt very much like a first date, as we still have so much to learn about one another. But in a lot of ways we were just so comfortable and natural together that it felt like we’ve been dating for years. Who knows where this will lead (if anywhere) but the future is irrelevant. Right now, this one night stand has provided me with a whole lot of awesomeness.
Specifically one night stand made me believe that not all guys are assholes. It made me remember that I AM capable of liking a guy. It taught me that guys do show up for you, and that some guys want to do more than just have sex with you. It showed me that I can have really incredible sex with people other than D. And for that matter, it put the nail in D’s coffin. But most importantly, this one night stand got me to accept a speaking gig in London, something I may not have done otherwise as I’ve never traveled on my own before. This trip was transformative for me outside of my time with 2.0 and I’ll go home tomorrow just a slightly different person.
So, had you asked me to answer the question I posed in the title of this post 6 months ago, I would have told you that while I don’t think one night stands are bad, I know they are something I would never do. Had you asked my advice, I would have told you there’s no way anything good can come out of sleeping with someone you don’t know, the first night you meet them and that it would be best to avoid doing so. And I would have been dead wrong.
Now, are all one night stands going to go this way? Not likely. But I am so glad I went with my gut that night and that 2.0 is now a part of my life. And I encourage you, should you ever be in a situation where your gut is telling you to go for it, to consider doing the same. You never know where it might lead…