Post by Cali
You guys, I am happy to report that I have officially healed from my “break-up” and am actually in a really freaking good place. I am starting to think that maybe the way this relationship ended was the best thing that has ever happened to me because it has completely changed my priorities in dating. And even though it has been less than two months since he and I have talked, I am already feeling fairly certain that there is another great love out there for me and that this time, it’s going to be right.
So, for those of you still trying to figure out how to get over a break-up, here’s what was successful for me:
1. Get your feelings out. Tell a friend, tell your mom, tell a therapist – whomever you’d like – just don’t bottle those bad boys up inside. For me, I think writing my last blog post was fairly crucial in my healing process, as it was shortly thereafter that I began to feel a lot better. There’s so much power in acknowledging how you’re feeling, because once you know exactly what you’re dealing with, you can begin to tackle it.
2. Rebound. It’s possible not everyone agrees with me on this, but I think rebounding was a key step in moving me forward. I met a very nice (British!) guy right as things were beginning to go south with me and Robbie and he has cheered me up considerably over the past 2 months.
The night we met we spent a good chunk of time talking about how fucked up our past/current relationships were (in between convincing the entire bar that we were engaged). I learned that he was only a month out of a toxic relationship and since we were both in similar places, I decided he seemed like an ideal rebound candidate. He was/is.
Over the past two months we’ve been on some lovely dates and have had a lot of fun together. He’s kept me distracted from thinking about Robbie and has crushed any of those, “what if I never meet anyone cool again??” questions that we all ask ourselves when going through a break-up. But best of all, he got me past my hang-up about having sex with someone other than Robbie. I was really dreading that moment, because let’s be real, sex was definitely the healthiest aspect of the Robbie/Cali drama. I knew the first time I slept with someone new it would be weird and sad for me, and thus welcomed the opportunity to get that out of the way with someone I wasn’t planning on building a relationship with.
All in all, spending time with this brit was a great stepping stone and it opened me up to the idea that there may be something else real out there for me – sooner than I thought.
3. Let go of the anger. Even if your anger is completely and totally justified, it will do nothing positive for your life. I’ve made a really conscientious effort to try and put myself in his shoes, and think about how he must be feeling and why he did the things he did. I know in my heart that he’s not a terrible person – just a lost person with a lot of demons. And while I was beyond hurt by how things went down, I forgive him.
4. Keep it classy. When I ran into two of his best friends about a month ago I could have totally gone all, “Carrie And The Post-it Rant at Bed” on them — but I didn’t. Instead, I just said hi and asked them about their lives, etc. I didn’t drop any hints about how I was dating someone new, or make any passive aggressive comments about how their friend had unceremoniously broken my heart (both things I would have definitely done in years past) and I walked away feeling really good about myself.
Similarly, I’ve tried to keep it mellow with passive aggressive comments on Facebook. Since he and I are technically still friends and have so many friends in common, I’ve tried my best to curb my desires to update things that I know will hurt him. That being said, I’m not going to hide the fact that I am happy and dating someone either. There’s a fine line and I think I am doing a reasonably decent job of walking it.
5. Surround yourself with good friends. I cannot express enough how lucky I have been to have so many fun friends to distract me. It’s really hard to lament over the ending of a relationship when you are busy all the time and are surrounded by people who bring out the best in you. It just is as simple as that.
6. Cut the ex out. Everyone tries to skip this step, but it’s probably the most important. I am actually really grateful that Robbie went out the way he did because I have zero interest in ever speaking with him again. I’ve never once been inclined to text him (again, unlike how I’ve behaved in any other break-up) and I am honestly just relieved he’s out of my life.
And it’s not just that we aren’t talking, we’re now (more or less) completely disconnected. One of the best things I did was to unfollow him on Instagram. His profile is private, so now I can’t see what he updates and that’s just fine with me. I’m also lucky that he put me on some sort of setting so that I can’t see what he posts on Facebook…. GREAT! I don’t have any desire to know what he’s up to and it’s really hard to dwell on someone who you know nothing about. (Plus I get just a tiny bit of enjoyment over the fact that the last post I am able to see is a really horrible picture of him. Makes me chuckle every time).
So there you have it. That’s how I’ve gotten over this hurdle of a broken heart and I can tell you, life on the other side is really freaking awesome. It’s amazing how stable my emotions feel when I’m not dating someone who is constantly confusing and hurting me. Instead, I just feel content, wonderful and excited for what’s next…