Post by Cali
I love Laney’s last post, I am Ted Mosby, because I have definitely felt that same way…. just so freaking tired of waiting for “the one” and critically aware of how desperate that statement makes me sound. I can all too well relate to the intense desire to fall in love; to just one time love someone who loves me back and have it all end happily ever after.
And yet, even though I so desire to get to that point with someone special, I am still unwilling to settle for just any relationship. This last weekend it became obvious to me that no matter how much potential there may be in a relationship, the relationship may not be able to survive if it isn’t something I can live with today.
As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been dating a lovely gentleman for the past two months and, suffice to say, I like him. We have great chemistry, I find him interesting and smart, we have a lot in common and I like the way he treats me – when we’re together. Part of me can’t help thinking, maybe just maybe, I have finally found that person.
However, there are also a whole heck of a lot of challenges that come with dating this guy, and it seems like all of these challenges are my problem. And after yet another weekend of feeling upset and let down, I’m just not sure I am up for continuing this with the hopes that things will get better. And more importantly, I don’t think I should be up for it… But I’d be curious to hear your perspective
So what are these “challenges” I am dealing with? Well, for starters, he’s pretty fresh out of a 2.5 year relationship. He broke up with this girl in November because (according to him) he just hadn’t been in love with her for awhile. And to be completely honest he seems very apathetic towards her, so that’s not the problem. But he’s also expressed a desire to be single for awhile and told me he doesn’t want to just jump into another relationship. He’s said that while he sees this going somewhere, he needs time to do his own thing for a bit.
Can I respect that in theory? Heck yea. But in reality, it’s hard being the one just waiting. The rules are all so unclear… Can I go on dates with other guys? Can I date the same “other” guy multiple times? Can I kiss other guys? Can I sleep with other guys? What if I develop feelings for another guy, then what?
And while two months in I am not at my breaking point with all this grey area, I’m not really getting any signs that we are progressing in any sort of timely fashion. Somehow, I think 6 months in I will be having a lot more trouble being zen with all the waiting.
There’s also the fact that he is exceptionally busy. Yes, this is New York City, and yea, most men are pretty damn busy; but this gentleman is maybe one of the busiest. He works in an industry that constantly requires client dinners, drinks and travel on most weekends — leaving very little time for a budding romance. And while he’s made an effort to share the time he does have with me, I’m not sure I am into this whole, “I see you once a week, on your time-frame” thing. I also have a social life, and having to arrange it around his schedule is frustrating. But more importantly, I feel like expressing said frustration is off the table. Apparently he felt like he always had to justify work obligations in his last relationship, so I get the impression that I am just supposed to shut up and deal with it. But can I? Not sure.
Another fun little piece of baggage weighing down this romance is his ex. First off, she doesn’t seem to be over him, even if he’s over her. She’s texting, emailing, showing up at his place drunk….eeesh. And while he says he didn’t let her in, and isn’t encouraging the behavior, it’s very reminiscent of what happened with Mr. Cute but Whiny. I don’t like it.
Furthermore her presence isn’t just limited to his phone, email and doorstep…. oh no, this lovely young lady just so happens to live in my building. Fact. Of all the buildings in New York City, I happen to live 6 floors below this gentleman’s ex-girlfriend. And despite it being a big building, I’ve run into her 3 times in the past month alone – awkward. But awkwardness aside, because she lives here the gentleman will never come to my house. He says (and I do actually agree) that it would just be too disrespectful to her to show up in her apartment building, with another girl after he dumped her. Ok fair, but always going to his house means I am always the one traveling. I am the one paying for the 30 dollar cabs or taking the 40 minute subway and it is just one of many ways that I feel like I am putting in far more effort into this thing than he is.
But the biggest challenge of all is this: because it’s obvious that he is SO not ready to be in a relationship, I constantly find myself walking on egg shells. When I’ve tried to talk to him about getting together, if he sees a future for us, or anything even remotely related to my feelings — it’s like talking to a wall. He just shuts down, gets defensive and blows me off for a few days. And while I know that’s just yet another symptom of him needing time, I can’t pretend like its not hurtful. It’s hard to be the one dropping everything to see a guy, doing everything on his schedule, catering to his needs and yet being afraid not to ask for anything in return. And I’m not someone who wants to talk about my feelings all day every day but freaking throw me a bone every now and then!
So at this point, I feel pretty clear on what I need to do. Do I want to throw away something good too soon because of a few issues? No. But I think there is a difference between a few issues and timing that is just plain off. And even if he was ready for a relationship, would I be cool with just seeing a guy I was dating once a week? Would I be cool with constantly rearranging my schedule to fit his? I just don’t know.
And then there’s one other question I keep asking myself – what else am I missing out on while I am sitting around waiting for this guy? Yes, I like him a lot….but what if there is a guy out there who I could like even more and who would be more willing to include me in his life. What if there was a relationship out there where it just wouldn’t have to be this hard and where it might be a bit more two-sided?
So what do you all think? Would you let it play out if you thought that despite how shitty it is right now, it had potential for the future? Or would you kindly let him know that, for now, you are only interested in friendship until he feels a bit more ready to be an active participant in the relationship? If you all could kindly let me know, I would be ever so grateful.
Many thanks. CB