23 Jul
In the past week, I’ve read two books that really made me think about my love life and the choices I’ve been making. What were these inspiring reads, you ask? Well, they weren’t a couple of the latest self help books nor were they any part of the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. Instead, I found myself reflecting after reading the latest dystopian society/young adult/thriller series. Normal, right?
When my 16 year old cousin recommended Divergent to me (and told me it was even better than The Hunger Games…) I never thought it would be anything more than a fun read. And you know, for many, it may not be. But for me, the trilogy’s themes of bravery, strength and fear really hit home. As the main character fought through gory and unimaginable situations, you saw her will to survive tested, and watched her struggle with pain and repeated loss. I couldn’t help but imagine what I would do if I was in similar circumstances. Am I a fighter?
I know what I want the answer to be. The core of me says, fuck yea I would fight. I am a tough beezy and I would never give up. I would be just like Tris – willing to face danger and pain if it meant obtaining my goal. I wouldn’t let anything stop me. But even as I thought that, I had to call bullshit on myself. Is that how I’ve been behaving these last few months? Boldly facing the things I fear most? Standing up to people who don’t like me? Being brave and fighting for what I believe in? Walking away from the easy choice? Um that’s a big fat no across the board.
The reality is, for the last 3 months of my life I have been the weakest version of myself. I stopped blogging because I didn’t like the anonymous words from a few random people on the internet. I’ve been living in my favorite delusional world (the one where I pretend like D and I work) and have been pissed at anyone who tries to poke holes in said delusion. I’ve been drunk, selfish and sad and because of what? Because I didn’t make a dance team? Or because one guy didn’t call me once? What the hell is so bad in my life that I’ve let it make me so weak? And the answer to that last question makes me really sad because it is nothing. If I am being honest with myself, my life is freaking awesome and I have no reason to be indulging in this weakness, other than sheer laziness. Or is it fear?
Fear is a funny emotion and not one I think many of us think about often. We often associate being afraid with bodily harm or unimaginable horror, and I don’t know that we give enough attention to the emotional fears we each possess. Yes, we may be afraid of the dark, or of walking home alone – but what about the deeper more personal fears? I’d venture to guess that most of us don’t even know what our biggest fears are, let alone have any clue how to deal with them.
My favorite part of the Divergent series addressed exactly this – the tendency within us all to suppress and avoid the things we are afraid of. During the first book there was a part where each character had to face his or her fears in a “fear landscape.” Aimed at making them stronger, each person was tested by every fear they possessed in succession (from moths, to having sex, to killing family members) and was only able to make it through by facing each and every one.
After reading this, I had to wonder – what would be in my fear landscape? And that’s when it hit me. My biggest fear, the one that I don’t like to admit and certainly don’t have a clue how to deal with, is being alone. I am petrified that I am going to end up with no one. That I’ll never get the wedding, or the babies, or the real healthy relationship that I crave and that I believe in. And it is this fear, even more so than love, that has kept me hanging onto D for 10 years. While I like to tout how strong and independent I am, the truth is, I’ve never really been alone. For my entire adult life, D has never been more than a phone call away. He has been the crutch that has allowed me to be weak; the thing that has kept me from facing my fear. And what’s become painfully obvious these past few months is that the more I use this crutch, the less strength I have. I’m afraid that if I keep this up I will no longer be acting weak – it will just be who I am.
So what do I do? Do I fold and just say, well that’s the way it is? I am tired of fighting for my happy ending and I have a solid band-aid keeping me from dealing with my biggest fear.
Or am I brave? Can I face being alone head on?
Two weeks ago, when D asked me if I was giving him an ultimatum, I immediately back pedaled. I told him of course not. I knew he needed time, just wanted to know where we were headed, blah blah blah. But all that was me reacting to my fear of being alone. The real me believes I deserve his commitment, and I deserve it now, but my fear was over riding my convictions. And even though I’ve been confused about a whole lot of things lately, there is one thing I know for sure – I don’t want fear to run my life. That’s not the woman I want to be.
So here I am, beginning the journey of facing my fears. I’ve started with a small one (the fear of facing my haters on the internet) with the knowledge that it will propel me towards facing my more pivotal fears. I may never be able to overcome my fear of ending up alone, but my hope is that I find ways to cope with said fear that are more in line with the strong woman I know is at my core.
In the meantime, I’d be curious to know how often you all think about what you are afraid of? And those things that freak you out the most, are they things you avoid or things you try and conquer? But most importantly, if you are dauntless enough to face your fears, mind leaving me a few tips? I’d be eternally grateful.
The fact that you fear something only makes you human. We all make choices, we all fear something and no one really wants to be alone. I was in your same situation at some point too, I thought I had it all and when my ex boyfriend broke it off with me, I thought that I would be alone for the rest of my life. Instead of doing what I usually do, which is to date someone within a week of a break-up, I decided to take a year off of dating.
Sure, I was scared to be alone, scared to never find anyone for me, but in order to face my fear, I HAD to take that year of being alone. Instead, I surrounded myself with friends and family, met new people, did all the things I love and tried new things. Guess what? I LOVE it. I’ve learned so much from take a year off from dating and though a lot of my friends are in relationships, I know that whoever I date next will be amazing because not fearing being alone makes you more picky towards guys (well more aware of better guys).
Glad you had this realization. Keep writing and don’t stop for a bad few comments!
-H
Hi There. Thanks so much for the comment. It is nice to hear your perspective and to hear that you are happy taking a year off of dating. I have definitely taken months off at a time, but I have never committed to a full year, and for that I applaud you.
Thanks for the kind words, and I promise to ignore the nasty comments :)
-Cali
[Stands up, cheers]
Yayyyy! I am so happy for you!! And yes those books are amazing, I CANNOT wait for the third one to come out.
I think almost everyone is afraid of being alone. You’re not alone in that. Even people who HAVE someone, fear losing them. That is why so many people stay in TERRIBLE relationships. Being alone is terrifying. But in the end, you’re not alone. You have all of your wonderful friends, your family, and (to some degree) all the people who comment here and cheer you on. ( A big F YOU goes out to the haters) I know a “significant other” seems to be the be all end all. But when I’m feeling terrible lonely, I always just think long and hard about the OTHER people who support me in my life. I’m really happy for you that you’ve found this clarity, and I hope you hold on to it!
Aw thanks Kate! And I know… I cannot wait for the 3rd one to come out either!! A whole year?? How will we survive.
Great point about how even people who have someone fear being alone and that’s why they stay in relationships. I am glad my debilitating fear is not unique to me! And you are quite right about not being alone. I often forget how fortunate I am to have such a close knit group of friends and family and of course all of you.
In any case, thanks for the kind words and for cheering me on. Genuinely means a lot.
-Cali
I am glad you’re back! I found your blog about a week before you temporarily left and was so sad to see you go! I am so excited that Divergent helped bring you back (and hope you have read Insurgent already, too). The references made me happy! Sounds like you need to take a dauntless approach to D, as well. What would Tris do!? :)
Haha it is such a great book, right?! Glad you found the blog and thanks for the kind words. What would Tris do, indeed! Thanks for the comment, Cristina :)
Failure. Even more than being alone, I fear failure. Whether it be in a job scenario or relationship scenario, the risk v. reward factor always scares the shit out of me. It’s why my longest relationships have been with absolutely miserable women. It’s why I don’t leave them when I should, because leaving them means I failed. I didn’t do something right. It’s why I don’t take risks as often as I should, whether it’s talking to that pretty girl on the train or going for a job opportunity I know I could do – both because I’m scared of failing/rejection. Pathetic really, but I’ve started to take things step by step, scenario by scenario. Talking to a girl no matter what I fear her answer will be. Reaching out for opportunities and not being afraid of the word “No.”
Your fears are normal. They’re common in fact, whether people admit them or not. The fact that you’re willing to say them out loud (or at least in a public forum) means you’re leaps and bounds ahead of most people. So kudos to you. As far as the rest of it, just take it day by day and accept the fact that you’ll have better days than others and don’t beat yourself up about it. That’s all.
Hey Mike, I can relate to that! I too fear failure, although not enough to stay in a relationship. Interestingly enough though, I think there are a lot of people who feel that way. My ex, when I broke up with him, was like “I’m just not usually wrong about this stuff.” I thought it was SUCH an odd response. Was he really that concerned about being wrong?? Apparently. It’s not pathetic though and I love that you are taking steps towards overcoming it. Thanks for the kind words and for reading. -Cali
Holla at cha gurl!
THIS is what we’ve been waiting for from you.
But seriously, live it. Don’t just write it.
Being alone now isn’t the same as ending up alone. Embrace and rock being alone. Go to a bar to hang out with your girls, not meet boys. Don’t even pay them any mind. Pick up a new hobby. Become awesome at being you. All by yourself. Make yourself someone you like and love a lot, and when the right guy walks into the picture, you won’t be afraid of anything. You’ll just be happy.
Hey Brenda! Thanks for the comment. That is exactly what I have been up to this past week and a half. I’ve been having a lovely time just doing me and I am feeling more like myself again every day. Anywho, I really appreciate the support. Thanks for reading!
Cali
D is a shmuck. I despise men who string women along, but I also despise when women allow men to treat them like dirt (myself included at times).
The thought of being alone is terrifying… I’m 27, most of my girlfriends have found their “person” or are engaged/married. I think I’m even more terrified of being alone because in the past 7-8 months I’ve been on dates with TWO guys, haven’t had sex in almost a YEAR! And every guy I’ve dated has turned out to be a jerk, so I’m traumatized and scared of finding the wrong person or being alone.
But I have to remind myself daily that 27 is young in the grand scheme of things and I would rather find the RIGHT PERSON than rush. You are in your 20′s only once and there’s no other time in your life when you are this young, this successful, this independent, this pretty, this fit, this EVERYTHING!
Hi There,
Thanks so much for the comment! I am sorry to hear you’ve been dating jerks… (they are everywhere, aren’t they! :) ). But you are quite correct… 27 is really young in the grand scheme of things and I am right there with you in that I’d rather meet the right person. Truthfully there are some days where I ADORE being single and for now, I am just going to focus on those days and stop worrying about what it means for my future. Anywho thanks for the comment and best of luck to you!
-Cali
Hey Cali,
I’m glad to see you’re back! Anyways I stumbled across this article a little while ago and I thought it was pretty interesting. I figured that since you’ve tried out a few dating sites, you may be interested in this one.
http://gizmodo.com/5922398/the-best-dating-site-youve-never-heard-of-is-too-smart-for-its-own-good
Enjoy,
Steve
Oh and I’m sorry that this is totally unrelated to the post. I didn’t feel like going back and finding a relevant one haha
Hey thanks Steve! I actually have heard of that site before and find it hilarious that it is tied to Klout. Maybe one day I’ll check it out! Thanks for the tip and for reading :) – Cali
Oh, Cali. Yay.
I’m so glad to read this. As strange as this may sound since you don’t actually know me, I was beginning to worry about you.
Thanks for letting a random college kid live vicariously through you. :)
Aw Kelsey, you are so sweet. I really appreciate your concern, and I do know you! You’ve been commenting on my blog since I started it back in the day :). I really am ok, though. I think you’ll see as you enter your 20′s that there are a LOT of ups and downs. I have gone through my fair share and I have watched every one of my friends do the same. The funny thing is that no one warns you about how dramatic your 20s are until you get there… and then all of a sudden you graduate college and life is so freaking confusing and you feel so unprepared! In fact, I have a serious beef with society for not better preparing me for this decade.
In any case, my point is, I am used to the highs and the lows. The lows suck, but I know they are temporary and I always find my way out of them. I am positive that a smart and self reflective girl such as yourself will have no problem doing the same!
Thanks for the comment,
Cali
My fear is not doing what I want and finish my dream. So all my life I rush everything I find good. I push and push until they are how I want them to be, I’ve even been quoted saying “don’t try, succeed”. This both hurts and helps me, I’m incredibly good at being what I need to be but when I don’t need to do somthing I never do it and if I’m seeing what needs to happen and people get in the way I push them away. So I face my fear, but I’m not sure if it can be worth it all the time.
So face your fear, just don’t make it an all or nothing goal.
Thanks for the advice, Reed. You are so right about not making it an all or nothing goal. That is a trap I fall into all the time and it is a bad one. Thanks for the comment!
-Cali
I don’t fear failure. I fail all the time and I’ve grown to understand that I learn from it. I do have 2 distinct fears though. And they are 1) disappointing people, and 2) being judged by people. I’m constantly working on the 2nd one, but I’m still fully encompassed by the first one. I guess it’s not a bad thing. Makes me a man of my word.
Hey Geof,
Thanks for sharing your perspective. Agreed,you could have a worse fear than not wanting to disappoint people – especially if that keeps you honest. And yea, being judged is scary, and I too dislike it! (Hence my taking a break from blogging…) In any case, good for you that you are aware of your fears! Thanks for the comment.
Cali
I am convinced I have found your blog by fate. I stumbled upon it googling “why hasn’t he called in a week?” about 40 times the past few days waiting until I found the response I wanted. I literally almost cried reading this post. . .I’ve read several other posts and plan on reading the majority of your blog today. It has inspired me to be me. Even if momentarily, that’s all I can be. Thank you. It’s people like you that make life seem less lonely because we are all going through it. The 20′s are hard damnit!
Nicole, thank you so very much for your comment. I can’t tell you how much it means to me! I am so glad you like the blog and that you feel like you can relate. That has always been my goal with writing. Anywho, you’ve made my night, so thank you!
-Cali
I am soo glad you are back!!! As a young 20 something about to start her last year of college I am beginning to face this whole being alone thing. I keep getting told how young I am but being alone is my ultimate fear! Yes, I could survive by myself but I wouldn’t want to. I don’t think that’s how life is meant to be lived. I also believe that being strong and happy with yourself to the core also leads to helping find the perfect person the compliments you and not just makes you dependent on them. It’s a fine line to balance but it seems like everyone eventually does. So keep your head up girl! I love reading your posts and keep being strong and empowered by your own life and goals! I too live vicariously through your posts! And you seem like an amazing person!
Hi Chaillie,
Thanks very much for the comment! I feel the exact same way about knowing I could quite easily survive by myself, but not necessarily wanting to. In any case your words are too sweet, and truly, with such a smart outlook on life, I can’t imagine you’ll be alone for long. Thanks for chiming in, and have a fabulous last year at school! College is the best… I miss it!
-Cali
Welcome back and congrats on your newly found sense of self-sufficiency. There’s nothing wrong with taking a little time to gain some perspective.
You seem like a good catch to me so I seriously doubt you’ll end up alone. It’s just unusually difficult to find decent people to date in SD.
I came across a video that reminded me of your blog. It’s kinda cynical but funny. You might get a kick out of it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h3K9H6dU-1U
As for fears, being alone isn’t one of them. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a guy, my upbringing, personality, or just past experience but I need alone time occasionally just to stay centered. I’m not saying I want to stay single but being too free spirited can be a challenge all its own.
My greatest fear is being trapped with a woman in my life who hates me. I have met more than a few older men, or shells of what were formerly men. They work non-stop, everything that doesn’t pay the bills goes to alimony or child support. They’re helplessly alone, miserable, rarely get to see their kids, and have nothing to show for their effort except 10-20 years of broken dreams. I’d rather be dead.
Welcome back Cali! I love your blog! While you were away, I kept coming back to check whether you changed your mind or not. And then you finally did, thank you! I very much enjoy your posts.
When you were away, you kinda inspired me to write about my dating adventures too. I don’t have a D in my life, but I have a similar on-off guy that I have found so difficult to let go. I feel that I belong to him! Of course, I try to distract myself with some other random dates, even to people I didn’t feel that attracted to, just so that, you know, I have someone else to think about besides him… Dating is so confusing! But we’ll survive, I believe.
Have to recommend a book if you haven’t already read it. Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl… Very powerful
Funny how almost no one noticed the subtle revelation of another chapter to the whole D story. I don’t want to be a dick but could this be anymore complicated!? First you say, you two use each other for sex and that he’s a loser that could never give you what you want and then you tell him to commit to you and are okay when he doesn’t. How does this make any sense.
It sounds like you lie to yourself and although your logical self hates him you love the emotional rollercoaster only he gives you. Even your friends tell you that – “he makes you happy”. All the men you meet off the dating sites probably make sense to you on paper but they are just not as exciting as he is. They are the boring nice guys. Look at how you tore this Brad guy apart. Of course, you’ve had your reasons but it seemed like you were trying to make yourself like him when in reality you were never able to look up to him. Does this sound about right?
Again, I really don’t want to bring you down or whatever. See this as a kind of tough love.
Also, I agree with Evan. My greatest fear is not be alone but to be a slave to some woman living off alimony and child support in the house I built with the children I don’t get to see.
Ha. Actually I think you’re spot on with your assessment. My logical side hates him but there is definitely an element of love for the challenge he presents. But I also have a new theory… I think D is a symptom of my insecurity. Again, logically, I know I have a lot going for me, but I have all these subconscious insecurities that plague me. Hanging with a guy who is so clearly sub par is the only way I feel comfortable just being myself, because even “just me” is better than him. Now, I am not saying this is something I think about when I am with him (not at all) but I think this might be part of the underlying reason I aam attracted to him. Well, that, and I think he is hot.
Anywho, the good news is, I actually haven’t seen him in 6 weeks since I so eloquently told him to shit or get off the pot. We’ve texted a bit, but I am in a much better place than I have been in months in regard to him. I asked him to commit because there is SOMETHING that has drawn us together for 9 years, and I thought I owed it to myself to explore what it is. But he isn’t willing/able/ready to take that risk, so I’m doing my own thing.
Thanks for the thoughtful comment!
Cali
I hope for you that this time you can actually get away from him for good if that is what you want.
This is a wonderfully insightful post and I want to thank you for expressing your thoughts that ring so true. I have been having the exact same feeling in my life for awhile now. The fear, laziness and uncertainty combined have turned into a formidable foe. Like you said, life is pretty darn great and it’s too easy to forget it in the daily grind and self-absorbtion that we all experience. It takes a lot to put yourself out there and I think in a way many of us are almost afraid of success itself because it means climbing out on a limb and taking a chance. And it’s always good to be reminded of the fact that it really doesn’t matter what other people think! Really. And their negative opinions or comments ultimately play a part in making us stronger in the long run.
Thanks again your blog is awesome! And I’m definitely going to pick up those books you mentioned!
OMG CALI! I can’t believe you’re back! You know…I was so sad when you wrote the goodbye-for-the-time-being post…I was like nooo!! I depend on you to keep sane in this horrible world of dating! And to reply to your question, I’m in the same boat as you — fearing being alone. But I feel like since my first relationship was at the age of 21, and I just turned 22 a few weeks ago — I know what being “alone” in the relationship sense feels like. I just don’t like it. I want what everyone has, but this time around…I know, that no matter what — I’m not alone. I always have friends and family.
Anyway, I’m glad you’re back :)
Hi Cali,
Side note before I begin my comment, I also live in San Diego! Never thought I’d run across a blog written by someone in SD.
I have two categories of things I fear. One category contains things like spiders, fear of extreme roller coasters, and scary movies, etc. These things I fear but when I encounter them I try and conquer them.
A second category of fear is more like fear of the uncertain future, fear of being alone (like you), fear of never being able to move on from that one person you loved so much but didnt love you back. This type of fear I have a much harder time facing. It takes a lot of energy and courage that sometimes I just don’t have enough of. Most days I just avoid thinking about those fears. I hope with time, I’ll learn to stop loving that person. I hope by just living my life, I’ll find the person I’m supposed to be with. I am a firm believer of finding the one when you least expect it. As for the uncertainty of what’s going to happen in the future, I’ve learned you can only plan so much but (like you also said before), no matter how hard you try plans do fall apart. Best it to just accept that nothing is for certain and to roll with the punches.
I guess in response to your question of how to face your fears, I just have one piece of advice. Live your life for you and how you want to live it. Make sure you are happy and that you know you are in control of your life. I guess if you can do that, the fears you have may start to fall by the wayside as you focus on doing things that make you happy and makes you feel fulfilled. This is just my two cents. :)
Now here’s a question for you: How do you discover a guy’s true intentions? Does he show genuine long term interest in you or just wants to get in your pants? I’m hanging out with this guy who just asks to hangout on the weekends, never on the weekdays. I know he definitely wants to get in my pants (he’s not pushy or anything. a simple no is all i have to say) but am unsure if that’s all he wants.
Thanks in advance for your advice. Hope you’re staying warm in these chilly SD nights.
~polarbear