First and foremost, let me introduce myself. I’m Kay, the girl who is nursing her quarter life crisis with a tub of Nutella and a cheap flight to Italy. Who lives in a little black dress and has been nicknamed the Make-Out Bandit. Who loves being in love but can never seem to find love.
Either I’m too picky, or I’m just picking the wrong ones. In L.A., the latter is much too easy to do …
We’ve all been told just how many fish there are in the Sea: millions, tons, and “plenty,” and that’s 100% true for LaLaLand, on the surface at least. But take a deeper look at this concrete sea’s offerings, and feelings of sympathy may develop.
This, my Sex & The Twenties friends, is what I’m working with:
- Clown Fish: More commonly referred to as the L.A. hipster, these fish are most abundant in the Silver Lake community. They rock the Indie music scene with unwashed hair, anything plaid and black-rimmed glasses. — Bait: Organic espresso and moustache tattoos. Tastes like: herbal awakenings.
- Starfish: Where there is a hot, new (fill in blank) in West LA, there is a starfish. This see-and-be-seen performer is easily recognizable through certain behaviors, such as distributing half-naked “business” cards at bars and clubs, chasing paparazzi, and putting off college graduation. — Bait: A flashy smile and dropped names. Tastes like: sweet dreams.
- Sharks: Demanding attention and power, this money-hungry species halts traffic with a flick of a wrist and a revved up 640I. Often found in Century City during East Coast business hours, be wary of their incessant need for arm candy and more money. Be careful, they bite — Bait: Push-up bras and dirty martinis. Tastes like: Sour Ego.
- Tilapia: The breed whose bland taste outweighs any nutritional benefits. When catching a tilapia, you will recognize its kind gestures and genuine interest, but will be overtaken by boredom and safety — Bait: Friendly conversation and a durable loafer. Tastes like: Unseasoned chicken.
- Rainbow Trout: Aggregating mostly in West Hollywood, it is sometimes difficult to distinguish the sex of a Rainbow trout, as the male and female are both well-groomed and manicured. The female is often identified by the pants she wears and the shot-calling she does — Bait: A designer loofah. Tastes like: Sugar-coated pansy.
- Sea Turtles: Though generally very cute, the social awkwardness of this species is astounding. Found on law school campuses around the city, the sea turtle lacks confidence and hides in its shell when rejection may be lurking. The sea turtle is often intelligent and caring, but other characteristics include the inability to control stuttering and hyperventilating — Bait: Kind eyes and a text message. Tastes like: Lukewarm milk
- Stingray: Located mostly in coastal communities such as Santa Monica or Manhattan Beach, this fine sea creature’s masculine scent and perfect 5 o’clock shadow will probably pull you overboard. It will be the perfect combination of desirable traits, up until the moment it pulls back and stings. Stinging its prey with commitment issues, getting close to this species is rare and rather difficult. Any attempts will result in long-lasting scars — Bait: Pitchers of beer and big waves. Tastes like: Spicy perfection
- Swordfish: Currently in season. The Swordfish is a delectable fish that will leave any restaurant patron craving a fillet, against doctor’s orders. Its high mercury levels create a teasing toxicity, the first bites offering great potential until the stomach-turning “uh-oh” moment is reached. This moment is often defined by a wedding band and should be a sign to release the Swordfish back into the sea and abort mission — Bait: Whiskey and witty commentary. Tastes like: Poisonous temptation
These fish have not only been encountered, but have also been dated – by me. Needless to say, I’m still fishing.
Now I’m taking my bait to Italy for the summer… let’s see what kinds of pesce will bite!