I just returned from a business trip to New York, and I gotta tell you, I was heartbroken to leave. I love everything about that city (including all the men in suits!) and I always leave thinking – why the hell am I living in boring old San Diego? If I didn’t, would my love life be different? Could my dating problem be as simple as - I live in the wrong city?
I’ve been obsessing about this thought for awhile now and before you dismiss it, hear me out. I know the guys in New York are by no means perfect, but heck, they are different. I would welcome a whole new set of challenges because at least it would be a break from feeling like I am hitting the same walls over and over. Plus, if I may be frank, it seems like New York attracts a much larger pool of smart/motivated gentleman than good ol’, laid back San Diego.
I know, I know, that’s a major generalization… I have absolutely known smart, ambitious guys in San Diego. However, these guys are few and far between, and even some of the most successful still suffer from a serious case of Peter Pan (I never want to grow up) syndrome. I mean, how can you really blame them? San Diego’s gorgeous weather, beautiful people, and the constant influx of visitors make it a natural party town. And who would want to work a 9-5 when you could spend all day at the beach, surfing and drinking brewskis?
But while I truly respect that lifestyle (and frankly am sometimes jealous of it) it generally makes dating someone like me hard. I either get frustrated with the fact that said gentleman always wants to party on a Wednesday when I have a big presentation in the morning. OR (and this one is much worse) the guy develops a weird inferiority complex about dating someone more “successful” than him.
Mr. Not Quite Right was the prime example of this. I was head over heels for the guy. I thought he was the perfect balance of smart and fun and I was so proud of him for getting a career in an industry he was passionate about. But he was obsessed with pointing out how much smarter I was, how much money I made, how I went to a better school and on and on. I can tell you, that wasn’t fun.
And sadly, this situation with Mr. Not Quite Right was not an isolated incident. I have noticed it in varying degrees with a lot of the guys I’ve dated and, quite simply, that sucks. I’d love to date a guy who looks at my professional success and thinks well that’s rad – this chick can keep up with me! She loves what she does and is good at it. How sexy.
Obviously a guy like this is going to be hard to find anywhere I go. But my theory is that a more business-oriented city would likely attract this type of gentleman. At least, that’s the hope…In any case, a larger pool of driven, “successful” men isn’t the only appeal to moving to New York.
Another compelling reason for the move would be the distance it would put between me and San Diego and thus between me and D. According to Google Maps, Manhattan is a whopping 2,755 miles away from D. Kinda makes those impulsive late night visits a bit less likley, right? And while I absolutely know I need to work on getting over D without putting things like distance between us, I also know it wil be a lot easier for me to move on when he isn’t right down the street.
But most importantly, I think this move could be a much needed “attitude re-set” for me. I feel so beaten down by my experiences with D, Mr. Cute but Whiny, Mr. Not Quite Right, The Texter and of course, glorious Brad, that I am just not sure I have it in me to be optimistic about any guy in San Diego right now. But guys in NY? Well they’re a different breed! There may still hope there.
All that being said, I have to admit that I have my concerns about moving as well. I can’t help but think, what if I move all the way to New York just to repeat all the same mistakes as I made here? Then I’ve wasted a whole lotta time, money and energy for nothing – and that’s not what you want.
So, in order to avoid this situation, I have come to terms with the fact that I have a lot of work to do before I make any cross-country moves. First, I need to find enough self confidence to realize that I deserve so much better than the D’s of the world. Second, I have to learn to be a bit more forgiving and empathetic of guys (and probably myself!). And third, I most certainly need to work on putting myself out there with a guy I am dating in the same way I put myself out there with all of you. Without taking all of these steps, I am sure I’ll just end up with a New York version of D and a lot more heartbreak.
And while putting these “goals” in writing is one thing, actually accomplishing them is going to be a whole lot harder. I’m going to need help. Help from my family, from my friends, from all of you and from a professional. So, in the hopes of getting my head in an awesome place before moving, I have officially decided to start chatting with a therapist. I plan to take the next 6 months to work on “me” and then if I feel like I am in a better place personally, I’ll pack my bags for New York because heck, at the very least it will be a fun adventure. I am single and now in my late twenties. If I don’t do this now, I never will. And I certainly don’t want to be 40, single and sitting around with my 5 dogs wondering, what could have been if I had moved to NY…
I’ll of course keep you all posted on how this progresses, but in the meantime wish me luck on my little self journey. Oh and if any of you lovely readers happen to be located in NYC, holler at me. I am sure as heck going to need some friends when I get there!