20 Sep
I just returned from a business trip to New York, and I gotta tell you, I was heartbroken to leave. I love everything about that city (including all the men in suits!) and I always leave thinking – why the hell am I living in boring old San Diego? If I didn’t, would my love life be different? Could my dating problem be as simple as - I live in the wrong city?
I’ve been obsessing about this thought for awhile now and before you dismiss it, hear me out. I know the guys in New York are by no means perfect, but heck, they are different. I would welcome a whole new set of challenges because at least it would be a break from feeling like I am hitting the same walls over and over. Plus, if I may be frank, it seems like New York attracts a much larger pool of smart/motivated gentleman than good ol’, laid back San Diego.
I know, I know, that’s a major generalization… I have absolutely known smart, ambitious guys in San Diego. However, these guys are few and far between, and even some of the most successful still suffer from a serious case of Peter Pan (I never want to grow up) syndrome. I mean, how can you really blame them? San Diego’s gorgeous weather, beautiful people, and the constant influx of visitors make it a natural party town. And who would want to work a 9-5 when you could spend all day at the beach, surfing and drinking brewskis?
But while I truly respect that lifestyle (and frankly am sometimes jealous of it) it generally makes dating someone like me hard. I either get frustrated with the fact that said gentleman always wants to party on a Wednesday when I have a big presentation in the morning. OR (and this one is much worse) the guy develops a weird inferiority complex about dating someone more “successful” than him.
Mr. Not Quite Right was the prime example of this. I was head over heels for the guy. I thought he was the perfect balance of smart and fun and I was so proud of him for getting a career in an industry he was passionate about. But he was obsessed with pointing out how much smarter I was, how much money I made, how I went to a better school and on and on. I can tell you, that wasn’t fun.
And sadly, this situation with Mr. Not Quite Right was not an isolated incident. I have noticed it in varying degrees with a lot of the guys I’ve dated and, quite simply, that sucks. I’d love to date a guy who looks at my professional success and thinks well that’s rad – this chick can keep up with me! She loves what she does and is good at it. How sexy.
Obviously a guy like this is going to be hard to find anywhere I go. But my theory is that a more business-oriented city would likely attract this type of gentleman. At least, that’s the hope…In any case, a larger pool of driven, “successful” men isn’t the only appeal to moving to New York.
Another compelling reason for the move would be the distance it would put between me and San Diego and thus between me and D. According to Google Maps, Manhattan is a whopping 2,755 miles away from D. Kinda makes those impulsive late night visits a bit less likley, right? And while I absolutely know I need to work on getting over D without putting things like distance between us, I also know it wil be a lot easier for me to move on when he isn’t right down the street.
But most importantly, I think this move could be a much needed “attitude re-set” for me. I feel so beaten down by my experiences with D, Mr. Cute but Whiny, Mr. Not Quite Right, The Texter and of course, glorious Brad, that I am just not sure I have it in me to be optimistic about any guy in San Diego right now. But guys in NY? Well they’re a different breed! There may still hope there.
All that being said, I have to admit that I have my concerns about moving as well. I can’t help but think, what if I move all the way to New York just to repeat all the same mistakes as I made here? Then I’ve wasted a whole lotta time, money and energy for nothing – and that’s not what you want.
So, in order to avoid this situation, I have come to terms with the fact that I have a lot of work to do before I make any cross-country moves. First, I need to find enough self confidence to realize that I deserve so much better than the D’s of the world. Second, I have to learn to be a bit more forgiving and empathetic of guys (and probably myself!). And third, I most certainly need to work on putting myself out there with a guy I am dating in the same way I put myself out there with all of you. Without taking all of these steps, I am sure I’ll just end up with a New York version of D and a lot more heartbreak.
And while putting these “goals” in writing is one thing, actually accomplishing them is going to be a whole lot harder. I’m going to need help. Help from my family, from my friends, from all of you and from a professional. So, in the hopes of getting my head in an awesome place before moving, I have officially decided to start chatting with a therapist. I plan to take the next 6 months to work on “me” and then if I feel like I am in a better place personally, I’ll pack my bags for New York because heck, at the very least it will be a fun adventure. I am single and now in my late twenties. If I don’t do this now, I never will. And I certainly don’t want to be 40, single and sitting around with my 5 dogs wondering, what could have been if I had moved to NY…
I’ll of course keep you all posted on how this progresses, but in the meantime wish me luck on my little self journey. Oh and if any of you lovely readers happen to be located in NYC, holler at me. I am sure as heck going to need some friends when I get there!
Hi! I literally am in the same exact situation – late 20s, thinking about the guys in suits in NYC vs the guys in tank tops here in SD. LAST thing I want is single at 40 with more dogs still in SD! I guess we’ll never know if the answer is waiting on the East coast unless we try it! My issue is that NYC is crowded, dirty, and expensive. I love the restaurants there and that there are a ton of people but I don’t know if I can go from my lifestyle a few blocks from the beach to a lifestyle of paying $2000 for a tiny studio.
I don’t know if I’m ready yet… but you should go for it and let us know how it goes so I know if I should! :) By the way I love your blog, thanks for all the posts!
I think you should go for it.. East coast guys are way more serious and more often than not looking to settle down.. whereas I have found that West coast guys (even ones you have been with for over 8 years….) are all literally living in never never land… you called it “Peter Pan Syndrome”!
To be honest I am considering the move myself. NYC is AMAZING for singles… ample amounts of good looking men in suits, great nightlife and dinning however yes.. Allison is right very $$$$ so find a roommate if you go – preferably a single one – and KEEP US UPDATED!!!
LOVE your blog.. never change!!
Thanks love! You should do it too! We can just start a movement ;) I just think it is time to embrace being single and that is impossible to do here surrounded by all my married friends or single burn outs. SO, if nothing else, it should be a good time. And so glad to hear you like the little blog! Seriously, always warms my heart to hear that.
LMK if you decide to move too!
XO,
Cali
Hey Alison – YES. Tank tops! What’s with that?? You should move too :) We can explore the city together… haha. So, I always thought that about NYC too, but every time I go it doesn’t seem dirty in the least. And as far as being expensive, I did the math and it is actually comparable to what I am paying for rent and my car here. (That’s what you get for living in Del Mar I suppose!) So expense wise it won’t be a huge adjustment. I saw some rooms for rent in good neighborhoods for like 1300. Of course that was with a roomie, but I am cool with that! And as far as crowds, I think I will welcome it. I love the feeling of being surrounded by people. Makes a walk to work so much more entertaining!
In any case, I will definitely keep you posted. And thanks for the kind words about the blog. Means a lot :)
Have a good one!
Cali
Lol, the problem is definitely not your setting or maybe it is because it will get you away from that homeless guy you love screwing. Oh and if you ever do get married stay away from Facebook or I guarantee you’ll cheat.
Ha! That’s actually kind of funny. D has been called a lot of things but not homeless…
Not sure I understand the Facebook comment. Kinda random. But I guarantee I won’t cheat. I have never cheated on anyone, and I am much more likely to just dump someone then to ever let it get to the point where I would be going behind someone’s back. Just not my style.
Only because I could see you getting bored in your marriage and cheating with D.
Ha, well D most certainly does not have Facebook, so I am safe there. As he likes to say, he doesn’t like being social so he has no need for social media. Such a dear…
I’ve been feeling the same way- but I live in NYC and am soo tired of the bachelors here! (FYI- I’m 25 and have been living here for 3 years.) The guys here are –generally — ambitious, interesting, and not looking for a committed relationship. The sudden disappearing act is kind of common after a few months of dating, unfortunately. Another common thing in NYC is meeting a guy, hitting it off: connecting and talking for awhile, and then never hearing from them.
Career & success are so important to guys here, and couple that with the fact that it’s very easy to meet new people of the opposite sex in NYC. It seems difficult to sustain anything real or of substance since there’s always the illusion of “something (someone) better” on the horizon.
I’ve been wondering lately if I’m living in the wrong city for love- but I guess the grass always seems greener somewhere else?! :-)
Haha quite possibly. I think the point is sometime just making a change can help, ya know? I’ve definitely heard what you are saying from a lot of people. But I also know quite a few girls who moved there and now have boyfriends. so who knows! For me, it would just be about having a bigger and fresh pond to fish in – not necessarily a better one :) We’ll see how it plays out! Thanks for the comment. – Cali
Oh my god Trisha. You basically said everything I am thinking. I live in NYC too. I WANT to think that guys will just hit a “Peter Pan” wall and grow up after all. People DO meet in NYC and get married, so I think it HAS to happen…at least for some people. Cali you have to move here! Let’s be friends!
Kate! I would love to have a friend in the city! Shoot me an email at sexandthetwenties@yahoo.com and I’ll keep you posted as I learn more details about the move :) XO.
Cali
I know- so many of my friends are married now! (There’s actually a hilarious tumblr website called ‘my friends are married’!) Cali, keep us posted about your possible move! :)
I saw that tumblr!! It is too funny. Will do. XO.
I’ve learned that men are the same everywhere you go. Boys will be boys. You have the good and the bad everywhere. However, a change of scenery may be just what YOU need. It may change your dating/love life because it will change YOU, not the men around you.
Go for it! You only live once and you never want to ask “what if?”
I also suggest going NOW. Spending six months “working on yourself” will simply give you six months to see if D, forced with the possibility of losing you, can settle down and commit. He won’t (sorry, that’s harsh). It will just give you six months to conjure up reasons not to go where your heart is (obviously) telling you to go.
Nothing is permanent. If you don’t like NYC after all … you can always move back.
C’est la vie!
ps. I’m a new reader and I LOVE your blog! I have my own D and it is great to read your perspective on things too.
Hi Kelly,
You make an excellent point. A move will change me and that makes me excited.
Totally see your point on going now and if I could I would. But we are in crunch time at work until January and there’s no way they are letting anyone transfer anywhere. Plus not really dying to have my first season there be winter :) As for D, I absolutely know he isn’t concerned about losing me… ha. He’d be the first one to tell you that he isn’t good enough for me and I think he is actually happy for me about making this move. I think he’s always expected that something like this would happen so that’s all good. And besides all that, I need to pay off my credit card before I move anywhere! My love for Marc Jacobs purses and nordies has really added up. Whoops :)
BUT don’t you worry. I am someone who, once I make a decision, it takes a lot to get me to change my mind. In this case, I just don’t see that happening.
Thanks for the comment and for being a new reader :) I am sorry you have your own D… they are tough (albeit sometimes wonderful!) Glad I am not the only one in this situation. XO – Cali
The grass ain’t always greener on the other side, it’s greener where you water it.
This is true…. but I have watered the shit out of it in San Diego and now I am bored with it. I am hoping new grass will at least provide a little excitement in my life! Thanks for the comment, Kim :)
Cali, I have made the move to a bigger city and quite frankly I’ve never been happier. But as you’ve stated, you need to work on the motivators before you make this big life change. I took the time to get my life back together (I had my own D to break from) and two years later, I was ready. I packed my bags after the first opportunity that came my way. I eventually started dating 6 months after my move and it’s been nothing but disappointments however, there’s always potential and that’s what’s so attractive about big cities, you never know what else might happen/who else you might run into… though that does work both ways. If you think guys have a hard time committing? Suits or big city guys have all the nightlife at their fingertips, finding the genuine ones is a challenge in itself. I say you’ve got a mighty plan ahead and when you’re ready make the move! It’s great to also know there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes you just know that home, isn’t quite home. It’s where they understand you.
Cali, have you ever heard of a book called ‘Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl’ by Natalie Lue?
It seems that your relationship with D is reminiscent of what is addressed and analyzed in this book.
It definitely helped me and allowed me to realize some of the issues are with me, not just the guys (may not be the case for you but it puts a great introspective spin on things).
As for location change, why not? It may seem like a superficial change but I’m sure being thrust and forced to adapt to a different city would be a great learning curve, coupled with the excitement of a brand new dating scene!
Great blog by the way :)
Although we had an extensive facebook chat about this, I’m so excited to see it on your blog! (sorry I’m a little late in reading it haha). I think you’re right that it seems that guys here are more driven/ ambitious. I’m starting to learn that it’s not just NYC, it’s guys from the east coast in general. My bf is from Virginia and swears that the west coast is like another planet. NYC is a huge change of pace but I think you’d love it! See you over xmas :)
“Peter Pan (I never want to grow up) syndrome.”
What does it mean to grow up to you? Does that mean spending more time at work? What kind of job do you want your new BF to have?
Just wondering…
Hey Bit,
To me growing up has nothing to do with spending time at work. It simply means realizing that there are things in life that are more important than partying and that sometimes you may have to compromise “having fun” for getting things you need to do done. I truly don’t care what career the guy I date has. I just hope it is something that he is passionate about and willing to work hard for.
Thanks for the comment :)
Cali
I think that’s a great answer. Cool