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For the Guys – How to Hit on a Girl

14 Jul

Last weekend, I was on fire. As my roomie so eloquently put it, I was the belle of the ball. Everywhere I went, I was getting hit on, and after a long and painful slump, all this attention was welcomed – especially because it came from guys that didn’t make me want to gag.

Any girl will tell you that she gets hit on a lot, we all do, but most attempts to talk to us are so awkward/awful that we force ourselves to forget them as soon as they happen. So it is rare to have an evening out where you actually feel like, damn, that was fun!

After last Friday, I started thinking about why I enjoyed talking to all those men and I realized, it was the way in which they approached me and what they said. Clearly, there really is a good and bad way to hit on a girl. So, this post is for the fellas. It is your insider’s guide to hitting on the ladies that I hope will help you make out, date, or find true love.

Tips for Hitting on a Girl

  • Say the right compliment – Here’s the thing, girls get complimented all the time. But a good compliment – now that is hard to come by. Generally speaking, I prefer when guys hold comments like, “You are so hot,” or “You make me horny,” for the bedroom. While I don’t mind hearing those things, I don’t love having some guy I just met in the bar say them to me. It’s like taking out a giant sign that says “I JUST WANT TO FUCK YOU.” Even if you do, be smarter than that. You’d be surprised how effective something as simple as, “You are pretty,” or “Man, you have a great smile” can be.
  • Start simple – Guys who try and come up with creative ways to approach a girl, usually come off as awkward and sometimes overly aggressive. All you really need to do is to saddle up next to her at the bar and ask her what she is drinking. The key here is to read the signs. Not every girl you stand next to is going to be interested in you – her loss. Maybe she’s a troll. That being said, it will behoove you to not waste time on said girls. Pay attention to her body language. Is she turned away from you? Is she keeping her face towards the bar? Is she holding conversations with her friends while you are chatting her up? Then she probably isn’t interested. As a general rule, when a girl wants you to talk to her, you’ll know it.
  • Ask her questions – Once you have successfully gotten her to talk to you, make sure you are having a two-way conversation. A lot of guys seem to talk about themselves a lot when hitting on a girl, and my guess is this stems from wanting to impress said female. But asking us questions is key. It makes it seem like you are interested in more than just making out with us, and that maybe you actually want to get to know us.
  • Take control - Confidence is one hundred percent the hottest accessory you can have. If you don’t have confidence, learn to fake it. There are little tell tale signs that show us you aren’t too confident – like asking if you can buy us a drink or asking if you can stand next to us. Uh yea, I always will take a free drink so no need to ask and I don’t own any area of the bar, so stand where you please. The absolute worst is the guy who tries to give you his number rather than take yours. (I haven’t yet met a girl who likes that). I am not saying that you need to be rude or a prick, but there are small things you can do to take control of a situation and work it.
  • Don’t be afraid to be goofy - Guys, you don’t have to spend the whole night trying to seduce us. If it’s going well, grab the girl’s hand, pull her on the dance floor and spin her around a bit. Steer away from only “bumping and grinding” on the dance floor, as again, this says I am trying to get in your pants. Instead bust out your goofy, fun moves that will make her laugh and think you are funny. Note, you can’t only dance like a moron. Mix in a little touching/grinding/what have you so that she knows you are attracted to her.
  • Focus – If you’ve got a live one, by all means, focus your attention on said lady. It’s easy for us to tell if you are playing the odds, and odds are, you’ll end up all alone.
  • Be patient - If you want to successfully hit on a woman, you are going to need to plan on spending longer than five minutes. If you’ve made it past the first 7 minutes or so and this girl is still talking to you, congrats, she is interested. Now don’t blow it by being in a hurry. Spend some time just chatting, laughing, dancing, playing a game, etc… before you make your move – whatever that may be.
  • Touch appropriately - Do not grab the girl’s boob or touch her ass, but holding a hand as you head to the bar – totally acceptable and usually welcomed. Just make sure you let enough time pass before you make this move and keep it PG.
  • Seal the deal - If you like the girl and you think there is even a slight chance that she likes you too, then at least make the ask for the phone number. If she shoots you down, le bummer. But more often than not, if she let you talk to her for longer than 5 minutes, she’s going to give you her number. So do yourself a favor, and ask for it
  • And finally, send a follow-up message - This one is just a little icing on the cake, but if you really like a girl, consider sending her a polite text that says something like, “Really great meeting you. Hope you got home safe.” Mr. Not Quite Right sent a text like that right after we met and it gave me butterflies.

Now I can make no promises that these tips are fool proof. It is all in your execution, of course. But I do hope that, at the very least, I can point you in the right direction. And if you still need some more help – check out this example of a gentleman who successfully got my attention this past week.

The most important thing to remember is, that while most of your attempts to hit on a girl may still be a failure, you have to keep at it. Your skills will only improve and if you let yourself feel bummed every time some dumb beezy rejects you, you’ll never stand a chance. So go forth and hit on the next pretty lady you see. And then come tell me how it goes…

31 Responses to “For the Guys – How to Hit on a Girl”

  1. Maxwell July 14, 2011 at 5:48 am #

    I bow at your wisdom. This is actually quite helpful, so thank you.

    • Cali Bradshaw July 14, 2011 at 3:30 pm #

      Haha you are most welcome. I truly hope it helps!

    • Rohan November 27, 2012 at 9:18 pm #

      I usually hold up my end of conversations and make classic first impressions, but girls percieve me as too much of a flirt,and it backfires sometimes…

  2. Courtney July 14, 2011 at 6:25 pm #

    These are great tips!! I would also like to add, don’t touch her before you’ve established a conversation. Guys who go for the lower back touch as they walk up to you are so creepy it makes my skin shiver!

    • Cali Bradshaw July 20, 2011 at 8:16 pm #

      Courtney – excellent addition! That is so true and I despise that to. The lower back touch is border-line assault. Thanks for adding this gem.
      -Cali

  3. Simm July 19, 2011 at 5:48 pm #

    This needs to be inserted into a memo format and handed out to ALL MALES ACROSS THE WORLD.

    • Cali Bradshaw July 20, 2011 at 8:12 pm #

      Hahaha agreed, Perhaps maybe even posted in bars… that otta help…

  4. NewlySingle July 25, 2011 at 9:46 pm #

    Dumb beezy. Classic. Love this post! Some guy asked to give me his number the other night, I responded with ‘what am I supposed to do with that? You should have asked for mine, that’s the way the world works guy.’ Hope it was lesson learned…. boys…

    • Cali Bradshaw July 31, 2011 at 6:24 pm #

      Haha I like that response. I am so going to use that next time. Um, what do you want me to do with that, sir? Thanks for reading, darling!

    • kaykay March 22, 2012 at 2:37 am #

      “The way the world works” is arbitrary. I’m really not a fan of traditional gender roles. They’re just stupid. People should do whatever they feel like doing. Unfortunately, men are at a disadvantage in our culture if they are expected to follow all these rules. There’s nothing wrong with a girl handing out her number to a guy she likes, but if the situation is reversed, the girl will think he is lame (assuming she’s been brainwashed by culture).

  5. Ripper July 29, 2011 at 9:08 am #

    Good stuff Cali Bradshaw, it’s great to hear your point of view. Every girl is different, they need to be opened like a flower.

    • Cali Bradshaw July 31, 2011 at 6:20 pm #

      Thanks Ripper. It is true, every girl is different. However, there are a few things we all seem to agree upon and yet guys still do them… (eg putting their hand on your lower back as they walk by – ick!).

  6. Allan August 18, 2011 at 4:52 pm #

    I enjoyed this.

    I use a similar follow up message. Simply:
    “Get home Safe. Allan ;-)”

    I also tend to just write in the middle of the conversation. If it’s really going well with me and the girl, I’ll text stuff as:

    “Stop being so adorable.. ;)” or
    “There’s this cute brunette hitting on me.. What should I do? ;-)”

    I love these because they are playful and light.

    Cali, would you say you like a guy who approaches you boldly? Like straight up. Cut the bullshit. You’re cute, who are you? and keeping good eye contact.

  7. Norwegian blend September 21, 2011 at 6:01 pm #

    These are certainly good tips for a plain and simple approach as opposed to the various and sometimes rather dull pickup lines that you can read about everywhere. I think approaching a potential love interest should start with being casual and relaxed without the complications of playing games.

    But there’s one aspect missing, and that’s the girls role in it. If I’m approaching a woman that I like I also expect her to return the interest if she’s mutually interested, it’s really boring to have a conversation with someone that shows no initiative herself. Of course that may indicated she’s not interested in the first place, but that’s not always the case either, women too can be pretty lame when it comes to approaching a man or her ways of reciprocating the guys attempts even though she’s interested. I’ve had that experience myself, while she showed absolutely no interest during our conversations I found out that she was interested through some friends after everything.

    Also, I don’t always agree that touching a woman’s back is not a good idea. Of course it depends on the context, but I think that a back touch won’t be interpreted as the guy just trying to get down your trousers. However I realize that dating rules may be a bit different over the pond, there may be slight cultural differences. Over here, a lot of women seem to be more direct or expect a more direct approach which would justify the back touch.

  8. Joey November 1, 2011 at 10:21 pm #

    Hi I’m a 15 year old guy and I was just looking at some help in my high school life haha so thank you even though this was intennded for older males. And again not all guys are the same I look at this becuase I need help cuz the guys that try now are usually really disrespected full and I know I got a lot more respect then most guys now. So again thank you very much!

  9. patric November 16, 2011 at 4:10 pm #

    Is there anyway you think we could talk one on one? I’m currently 21, fairly fairly attractive but have yet to have a gf. I can’t get a girl to stick around and I’m starting to feel hopeless.

  10. Pauly Benton January 17, 2012 at 12:40 pm #

    This has absolutely no impact at all if you are unattractive

    • Cali Bradshaw January 17, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

      For the most part… I’d say that is true. However, I see hot chicks with super unattractive guys all the time. They had to have hit on said girl at some point!

  11. erik January 26, 2012 at 8:15 am #

    PLAYFUL COMMANDS

    “can i have your number?” sounds so sheepish. instead you should be playfully commanding. women respond to commands as long as you are tactful. subconsciously it sends the message that you are in control. the other subtle thing you should do is get your phone out immediately after saying it. it is another nonverbal confident signal to her.

    playfully commanding works in other areas as well. “let me buy you a drink” is more effective than “can i buy you a drink?” or “you, me, Met Grill, Sat 7PM :)”

    the biggest problem men face is not rejection, it is DOUBT. doubt leads to hesitation. hesitation leads to rejection.

    other than that, i would say add smiling and making eye contact to your list and call it good!

    in the end, it always feels better to fail and know the answer than not try and never know.

    • erik January 26, 2012 at 8:17 am #

      i should add the “you, me, Met Grill, Sat 7PM ” is a text form of asking out and not something you would actually verbally say.

  12. Drew McEwan March 4, 2012 at 9:14 am #

    Scintillating! Informative and educational. However, the real point is that, not just women but, all people respond to confidence. Confidence is the psychological manifestation of courage. Courage is the most important and beautiful of all human attributes.
    Spread that!

  13. GuyPasserby March 5, 2012 at 8:20 am #

    Props on a really insightful post! I think the normal start to the conversation and patience are really key.

    For guys wondering how to start a conversation without a forced pickup line, just go with your surroundings. It’ll make it much more natural and you can quickly bounce from there into whatever you want to talk about with the girl.

    For example, it doesn’t take much awareness to notice guys creeping out girls with their failed pickup attempts all the time. If you see this happen and you’re interested in the girl, you can approach her and make a joke out of what just happened by saying something like, “That looked painful, what did he go with?” And from there you can guys can joke around about what just happened before moving on to other stuff. This also has the added effect of showing that you’re not that type of guy.

    I’ve used this a lot of times and at the very least it almost always leads to a fun conversation with someone.

    Also, erik makes a really good point about using commands instead of asking questions. And it’s important that the command is made in a casual tone.

    I have a lot of success getting numbers by using this style. Instead of asking a girl for her number, I’ll say something like, “We’d have a lot of fun hanging out, let me get your number.”

    A lot of times I’ll even hand the phone to the girl while saying this and have her put the number in. Works like a charm ;)

    Again, make sure this is done casually and only after you’ve build up a connection with the girl and it should help with getting a girl’s number more smoothly.

  14. Kevin L. July 26, 2012 at 6:25 pm #

    Hi Cali, I recently had my book launch party and large number of the guys who attended were avid readers of mine. I live in Silicon Valley, so I try and help the typical socially-inept tech guy. What I saw, for the first time in all its glory, was my advice being used on all the females that attended my party. I saw almost all of them being overaggressive and I thought to myself, I failed to mention that they need to practice some sort of tact and patience. They were just moving on from girl to girl. (I marked it down as a future post.)

    Anyhow, I love your post. Let me know if you want to swap posts some time – or, I don’t care, I’ll just have you do a guest post. It can broaden your audience. I’ve had over 185k unique readers to my blog, SiliconValleyBachelor.com, over its lifetime. Also, if you want to check out my book, it’s called “Berating Others On Your Way to a Lifetime of Happiness: That, and Dating Around the World”.

    http://www.amazon.com/Berating-Others-Lifetime-Happiness-ebook/dp/B008GHRYQM

    I can send you a copy. Let me know!

  15. Herschman11 October 11, 2012 at 2:41 am #

    if a girl likes if your handsy should you be handsy

  16. Len February 15, 2013 at 3:00 am #

    Hey Cali

    So thanks for all the tips and the answers so far,
    but I just got one problem left.
    I am too shy to talk to any girls,
    if girls come up to me and they start talking there’s no problem.
    But when I want to go to a girl I drop it.
    I can’t start a conversation and I just sit there like some weirdo next to a person I can’t talk to.

  17. james April 2, 2013 at 1:42 am #

    You know what I see here? I’ve always thought girls were way too caught up in the way they believe guys should approach the dating scene. Basically what happens is the guys who are most successful in dating are the ones that know all the rules and secrets and NOT necessarily the ones that are worth their weight in dirt. So a guy treats you right in a bar, gives you a fun ride, then what? you’ve waisted your time cause he’s still an asshole and you’re still single. meanwhile there’s me, who just lost a bunch of weight, looking good and feeling confident, I approach you with honest intentions, a good heart, and act like myself, but it comes off as awkward and you turn me away as a creep. Nevermind the fact that I haven’t ever learned all the trade craft of seducing women because you were too shallow to talk to me when I was fat, but now that I look good and don’t know what I’m doing you expect me to play the game your way and join your vicious circle of failure. I don’t think so

    luckily not every woman is that shallow and can see what’s really in front of her through the awkward, unpracticed dialogue. Oh well, you’re single and complaining about your mistakes and I’m happy and set for life. your loss. maybe you should learn from your mistakes and direct your advice toward women on how to avoid assholes instead of teaching men how to fool women into thinking they’re great guys? just a thought.

  18. drizzy April 13, 2013 at 5:14 pm #

    to hit on a girl be you. You are more confident tht way. So now you have taken care of the confidence factor. From there tell her what you want with that same confidence.

  19. Avi April 17, 2013 at 4:06 pm #

    Great tips main thing is to be self confidant and play to win!

  20. Shaun May 30, 2013 at 12:54 am #

    Not a terrible list from a girl (most girls have 0 idea how to pick up women).

    I will say I 100% disagree with asking girls questions, especially at the bar. Girls hate being interviewed. What do you do, where are you from etc etc. Will lose a girls interest so fast its not even funny. Especially a drunk girl.

    I also disagree with the touching. Well I agree that if done too fast / incorrectly you will be seen as that really sketchy guy at the bar immediately. I disagree that its not to be done at all if things are going well. Key is not to leave hands on her for too long to start. Things seem like they’re going well touch her hip for like 2 seconds while talking, take hand off and continue conversation not paying any attention to what just happened. If done smooth enough its barely noticable. If things are going well she’ll touch you back at some point and thats permission to attempt the same type move again but for slightly longer.

  21. pan December 18, 2013 at 4:02 am #

    Hey the whole focus thing is really true, you know. When you don’t pay attention to the girl she really notices. A Spanish girl once told me to go fuck my after every thing had been going great and I really liked this girl

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