So much for sensible; I’ve had a handful of sleepovers with Mr. Nice Guy over the past few weeks. Apparently, I have a friend with benefits. Yes, I’m as skeptical as you are. Though, this one kind of works—I know everyone says that—but hear me out. It works, because if I’m being 100% truthful, we are not actually friends. We’re friendly, but we are not friends. He doesn’t call me for advice. I don’t call him to get lunch. We don’t G-Chat when we’re bored at work.
So, for now, I’m considering this FWB situation a success. My rules for making it work?
The 7 Commandments for being FWB:
1) Thou Shalt Keep it Real with Thyself
Like, actually be honest. None of this “I swear, I don’t like him” shit. For a situation to be FWB-friendly, you have to be friends (or friendly), not more. Check your feelings at the door, or reconsider. After Mr. Nice Guy’s initial booty call, I did some serious internal thinking on how I felt about the situation, and I’m confident that I do not want to be with slash date slash any other commitment-oriented verb him. If I did, the sex would be better. It’s good (obviously, or I wouldn’t be doing this in the first place), but when we actually had feelings for each other, it was great, ya dig?
2) Thou Shalt be Honest with Him
And demand honesty in return. Some conversations can be extremely uncomfortable, but as far as I’m concerned, these situations are only survivable when both people are on the same page about what’s going on. If anything feels off, bolt. Before we had any repeat performances, Mr. Nice Guy and I sat down for a very awkward yet open conversation about why he was showing up at my house in the middle of the night, repeatedly. It boiled down pretty positively and we ended up realizing that both of us were down for a physical relationship. Then we laid out what we would and would not be comfortable with, and unofficially built some parameters for our new situation. Since we used to date, I feel like I know him pretty well, and I trust he’ll stick to his end of the bargain.
3) Thou Shalt Keep Some Distance.
We don’t discuss serious topics, how anything makes us feel, or seek advice from each other. Sure, those are typically girly things to do, so I take most of the onus for this rule. He is not there to be an emotional support system. Neither are you, for that matter.
4) Thou Shalt Not Put Him First.
I made a deal with myself that I would never, ever leave my current plans to accommodate his call. If Mr. Nice Guy texts me at midnight and I’m still out and about, he can wait. Putting him first is a hop, skip and a jump away from being emotionally invested. Actually, it’s the first sign that you’re ill with feelings. Careful.
5) Thou Shalt Keep the Physical Contact (outside of the bedroom) to a Minimum.
When we’re not getting down, we’re not really all up in each other’s business. This isn’t something we chatted about when we decided we were ok being bed-buddies, but over the weeks, it’s something I’ve noticed and I think it’s a good point. There’s no hello or goodbye kiss. We cuddle, but only when we’re still horizontal. We’ve sort of created a separate set of rules for bed-world versus the real world. It’s nice to have a noticeable distinction. It keeps things, as much as possible, from getting muddled together.
6) Thou Shalt Suggest No Dinner, No Breakfast.
These are not dates. We don’t need to grab any meals other than a possible drunken late-night burrito.
7) Thou Shalt Keep Secrets.
Secrets don’t make friends, but they sure do make great FWBs. I haven’t told anyone (well, except you, dear internet) about him. There are two reasons for this: 1) Telling people only opens a dialog for questions. And judgements. And all kinds of nonsense that confuses lust and love type emotions. And frankly, I don’t need that clouding up my mind and ruining my post-sex endorphin high. 2) Let’s be honest, secrets are hot.
Of course, the qualities to look for in a make-out buddy also apply quite nicely.
Thou shalt hump responsibly,