7 Aug
I’ve been postponing this post for a long time because, let’s be real, cheating isn’t a fun topic. It’s horrible and awkward and frankly, something we’d all like to pretend doesn’t happen nearly as often as it actually does. But the truth is it’s a reality in this complex world of dating and the time has come to talk about it.
Over the years I’ve unfortunately had a fair amount of experience with cheaters (a fact that I really and truly hate). However, all this experience has taught me a whole heck of a lot and, thus, I’ve compiled a list below of everything I’ve learned. Now these are just my opinions and I know everyone has very personal beliefs when it comes to cheating, so please feel free to add any of your own thoughts in the comments.
Eight facts about cheating and cheaters
1. Lots of people cheat (not just “bad” people) – Sure it would be lovely if only major assholes were cheaters but, in my experience, that just isn’t the case. I’ve known genuinely quality guys who cheat. And while I’ll never understand how these guys can be a caring, sweet, smart, thoughtful and also cheaters; I’ve learned to accept that sometimes that is the case. That being said, I certainly wouldn’t want to date someone I knew to be a cheater – regardless of their other positive attributes.
2.If you are cheating, you are not in love – Nothing grates me more than a guy who cheats repeatedly and still claims to love his girlfriend. Listen up people – if you truly love someone, you would never, ever disrespect them that way. You would never do something that could crush their heart and make them feel like such an idiot.
I’ve seen guys who are truly in love and who have been put in a position where it would be really easy to cheat (hot girl, lots of alcohol, sexual tension)… and ya know what, these guys pass the test every freaking time. It really is as simple as that.
3. Some people seem to think that if it isn’t sex, it isn’t cheating - Um, false. Cheating is cheating. I don’t care if you stick it in just a little, if you don’t finish, if you don’t make out or whatever variety of the “it’s not cheating if…” excuses. Every single one is bullshit. There is NO girl I know who would be like, oh hey no big deal that you just got a blow job from your ex-girlfriend. Just because you didn’t get the girl you are hooking up with off, does not make it any less deceitful. All it does is make you shitty in bed.
4. People rarely cheat just once – I don’t think I know a single person who has only cheated once. I wish I could say I did, but I don’t. Maybe it’s one of those things that once you cross that line and get away with it, you can’t help but cross it again. I don’t know, I’ve never cheated. But seems to me like most the people I know who cheated, never told their significant others, never got caught, and then did it again. And again. And again.
5. Girls who find out they were cheated on often go batshit crazy and blame the other girl rather than the guy – One time, back when I was 20, I found out that the gorgeous guy I hooked up with over the summer had still been dating his high school sweetheart at the time of our steamy night. This revelation sucked as I actually really liked this girl. She and I had been cheerleaders together and she was one of my roomie’s best friends. So as soon as I learned the truth, I called up the dude and told him he needed to tell her, or I would. I thought it was the right thing to do (especially since he and I had hooked up before).
So he told her and then I spent the next week getting daily messages about how awful I was and warnings that if she ever saw me in San Diego, I better run away. She called me every name in the book, told me I had ruined her life, and quite honestly, made me cry. And after I aplogized again and again, and told her that I hadn’t known they were together, etc., I finally gave up and realized she was a nut. (A fact that was confirmed when she then decided to stay with him).
While I am sure some girls out there would handle this information in a more mature manner, I’ve never been inclined to test that theory.
6. Being the other girl always makes you feel like shit – As you all know, I am just as prone to making mistakes as the next person. And one of my least favorite mistakes has been knowingly helping a guy cheat on his girlfriend. Please believe, on the occasions that I have made this choice, I’ve always felt plenty justified at the time. I told myself… I love him. He was mine first. She watched him kiss me and stayed with him, so clearly she’s a moron. I was drunk/horny… blah blah blah. But you know what, it doesn’t matter how validated you feel in the moment – afterwards, you inevitably feel like shit. The best case scenario only leaves you feeling used and guilty. But in the occasion where you have genuine feelings for the guy you are helping cheat, the hurt is so much worse.
7. No one thinks their boyfriend or girlfriend is a cheater - Now to all my happy, “in a relationship” readers, please do not take offense to this. I am in no way saying that everyone is a cheater. I am simply saying that I don’t know any of the girls who have been cheated on who have been like, oh yes, I think my boyfriend is totally capable of cheating. Instead, there they are, writing “I love you messages” on Facebook while he is off getting naked with someone else.
And finally/most importantly…
8. If someone is hooking up with you while in a relationship with someone else, they don’t give two shits about you – This guy/girl is not your friend. A friend wouldn’t put you in a position to feel used and embarrassed. Period. Every time they say, “I don’t want to hurt you” or “I like you” it is really just code for “please don’t tell my girlfriend…” The truth is, the only person a cheater cares about is himself. So stop trying to figure out why they’ve decided to cheat, or what it all means (who cares?) and cut then out of your life. Cheaters suck and you would be much better off without them. End of story.
So there you have it. Those are the eight lessons I have had to learn the hard way about cheating. Now you go… any pearls of wisdom you can add?
Thank you for sharing, Cali.
The sex might not even be the worst, it’s the broken trust. It can’t be repaired and it’s not possible to really love someone you are cheating on. If you do, even if you love someone, you love your own ego more.
In my book, there is NO excuse for cheating. It’s a definite sign to take a really long, good look in the mirror to find out what it is you need to work on for yourself to make this not happen ever again.
I can honestly say that I have never cheated. If I feel strongly enough about a female and bad enough about my current relationship to consider it, I’ll break it off. I’m not sure if that’s any better but at least it’s honest.
As for people who cheat, that’s a tricky topic.
I have had one of my exes cheated on me. I didn’t find out until after we broke up so it didn’t bother me but if she hadn’t told me I wouldn’t have ever known. I used to travel a lot for business (4-6 weeks at at time) and she was a borderline nympho so I guess it isn’t really much of a surprise. Just disappointing.
I’ve also had a few women who were either married or in long term relationships make advances at me. Usually after a few drinks with their husbands absent or passed out. I’m not talking just flirting, I mean kissing on me and looking to get me to cross a line I don’t cross. The most disturbing part was, these weren’t strangers they were friends or friends of friends. Kinda shook my faith in women.
Cheating (or attempting to cheat) is wrong but I don’t necessarily think it means that the love is gone from a relationship. Yes there are a lot of borderline sociopath assholes who will trample all over their relationship for a little ego boost but I think a lot of other people cheat for more petty reasons that have little to do with genuine feelings.
A lot of people get into dedicated long term relationships before they have the chance to experience life. Guys who haven’t met their ‘number’ will always feel insecure about it (even decades later). Some relationships fall victim to what I call the ‘cheese pizza’ effect where sex becomes such a routine that it’s no longer desirable. In some relationships women become bored with their husbands and are looking for a thrill. Some women have an overwhelming tendency to run back to their exes when they feel insecure about their current relationship.
Assuming that all relationships are based on love and genuine affection is naive. Many people hop from relationship to relationship because they can’t handle being alone. Some get into relationships because they need somebody to provide for them. Some do it for social status. If everybody got into relationships because of love or genuine attraction the world might be a better place. The sad fact is many people get into a relationship just to fill a void in their life.
Others buy cats…
I feel very strongly about this topic because I had some crazy experiences with cheating (well maybe we all have).
In college, my bff cheated on me with two guys that I dated at different times, one was my first love. I was an idiot and didn’t find out until afterwards, or maybe I didn’t want to find out. I confronted her and her answer was “you were just jealous because you couldn’t get laid.” That really shook my belief in female friends and I haven’t had a close female friend ever since. Looking back, I suppose she did me a favor, because she and one of the guys are now living together, jobless, and have more batshit drama in their lives than an entire season of Grey’s Anatomy.
After all the crazy stuff happened, I thought I had met the perfect guy. He was smart, hard-working, funny, caring, and matched with me on so many different levels. We were in a long distance relationship together for 2.5 years, and then we decided to move to a whole different part of the country together, move in, and get married. We had this bright future planned for us. Then we had a big fight, then boom, he cheated on me, twice. He was actively looking for relationships online, while telling me how he loved me and how he couldn’t live without me. It still amazes me how we had this perfect relationship and we were the closest couple I had ever seen, then there was a bump in the road and he looked for a way out. I can vividly remember the moment when I found out that he cheated. I was completely numb, everything just went cold. It hurt so much that I wish I was dead. What hurt me the most was the fact that he never acknowledged his mistakes. He said I made him mad so he cheated, and that I wasn’t religious like him so his moral values don’t apply to me, and God would forgive him for trying to find a good Christian girl while he was planning on moving in with me. He made me feel used, worthless, completely stupid. I tried to be friends with him after we broke up, but I have so much anger built in myself that I just can’t let go.
The worst part about cheating is how it makes the people involved feel. The anger, the resentment, the sadness, the disappointment, it brings out the worst in everyone involved, except maybe for the cheater him/herself. I completely agree with you – if he cheated, he doesn’t give a shit. A person truly in love would never disrespect and purposely hurt another person in this way.
I think you may have forgotten a biggie…if (s)he cheats with you, (s)he’ll cheat on you. Most believe my ex will cheat on his current gf like he did with his 1st and 2nd wives (I was #2) But…au contraire mon frere, I don’t see this screenplay going down that way. You see, she is 13 years his junior (I was 7 yrs younger) I see her finding a new love interest! They will make a decent run of it, probably even get married, but they’ve both proven their MO. He gets a 7 year itch, she runs when things get tough. I thank them both for the amazing life I now have, the lessons that I’ve learned, and the strength I had no idea resided within!
kick ass advice
This just justified all my shitty feelings.
Me and my boyfriend just got back together, we were broken up for 7 months. Our past relationship sucked we were basically roomates who hardly talked that seen each-other before going to sleep. I’m pretty sure the way he act, he was cheating than.. Anyways I lost my virginity to my boyfriend we’ve been together 3 years he’s also 7 years older than me.. The other night we went out partied with our friends and my boyfriend left me behind at a bar for hours I waited eventually went home with our guy friend.. I was just catching a ride home then next thing you know we’re making out (passionately something I haven’t felt in years) I pushed em off and said we had to stop and somehow from agreeing that, it started back up again and went too far… I even told this guy he’s only the 2nd guy I’ve been with and he took it as a compliment which pissed me off, when I said we had to tell my boyfriend he said not too to deny it. I waited all day yesterday til it ate me apart went to my BF’S job he took lunch without me saying anything he cried hysterically. I wish I were capable of lying but I know I’m not these days I don
t KNOW what I’m capable of considering the mistake I’ve made. I looked at him and I told ‘em “I’m sorry, I wish I could lie to you and take away your pain. I deserve what ever you decided and I respect it. Just know what I did was selfish I was a selfish pig and it had nothing to do with you. I’ve only hurt myself doing what I did because hurting you like this is the last thing I’ve ever want… or feel I’d never want to be responsible for the hole I created in you.”
He forgave me and asked if we could pretend nothing happened? I can’t do that I feel dirty cheap disgusting whore. Any advice for a girl who cheated?
Iam in a relation with a this guy for almost nine year.we moved together and its been almost 3 years.he is my child hood boyfriend and my 1st bf.he used to love me a lot n l love me more than anyone.he cheated on me 4 time.1 was one of ma fren n he came bak to me and I aceepted and the rest I came to kno wen we moved in.now he is totally changed man.he left his everything to moved in wid me, I understand that.he seem bored of me, no sex at all wid me , cos he love googling pornography n mastubate in bathroom.it makes me fell iam unwanted, when I try to say about this he will start heating me n he bashed me up uncountable times, infrnt of my frens and my sis.he dnt have the word respect for me at all….At a time he makes me think of suicide bt coud’t afford the guts for it.he hav do and dont for me.the way I talk, dress……I respect his thought n followed his do n dnt….bt he will neva listen his dnt….I have only 1 probs dat is poronography,,,,,, he is addicted to it.wen I say it he will start his harrasment towards me n the next things is me laying crying…..n the one who is hurt….bcos of all dose naked porno gal…he will b playing game the whole day n by night
I will b lying sleeping next to him bt he dnt bother to kiss me or touch me..bt asoon as m sleep..he will start browsin…some time I pretend to sleep hoping he will love me bt that doesnot happen…rather he will start hid googling. Every second day of whole year is d same story…….
iam a person who gets angry in 1 min bt cool down in 1 sec…..wen iam cooled I love him..like I used to wen I was deeply in loved during high school…..bt now I think ma relation is not normal..because every second day he is raising hand on me n treatin me like animal…even animals have more respect than me….I dnt hav dat felling towads him n relly wanna breakoff bt m scared he might hurt my family member..i have said lots of time dat i need a breakoff, bt instead of breakoff gt beaten….I really dnt wanna make my breakoff a big issue or head of the news paper…I am in a angry mood now..wen iam cooled I’ll love him again.as much as I used to..my love towards him has never changed rather than wen iam angry….bt I think iam nt the type of gal he wants n may b he is nt my type….n we bought might be more happier.I dnt want to hurt him.I want to end this relation in mutual understandin…I dnt want him to gt hurt bcos ofbreakoff…and every1 should be happy..people compliment that iam preety n cute.bt 4 him I have grown old…though I have just completed my college last year n doin my master…..iam in ma twenties….do this happen in every relation..? Need urgent suggestion….pls hlp me….needed a true 1….