18 Aug
If you’ve ever dabbled in online dating, you’ve absolutely hit the online dating wall at least once or twice. It’s inevitable. After a few months on a dating site, the excitement of getting emails every day from aspiring boyfriends has long since worn off. You’ve likely gone on a few dinner dates and perhaps found, le sigh, you’ve got zero chemistry with any of these people. And eventually you start to feel like there’s no point in even opening that message from “bigboy69” because, let’s be real, it’s just going to say something dumb.
Trust me guys, I am well aware of what it feels like to be in this place. I have hit the online dating wall many, many times. And in the past, I’ve always just cancelled my subscription and prayed that I’d start meeting people in the real world sometime soon. As you well know, that’s worked out swimmingly…
So this last time, upon deciding that quitting isn’t the most awesome strategy, I decided to switch things up. Instead of cancelling my Match subscription, I decided to get creative with some new tactics. And ya know what, I just met a pretty cool guy (but I’ll write more about that once I see how that goes).
Now you’re likely wondering what these effective creative tactics were. Well I’m glad you asked. Below are my new tips on how to cope with hitting the online dating wall without just throwing in the towel.
Search with a friend – It is easy to grow fatigued after looking through so many profiles and, eventually, you may to find that every dude just starts to look the same. When this happens to me, I find myself scrolling without really looking, and I am obviously never going to notice a cool guy if I am not at least paying attention!
So if this happens to you, bring a friend over to peruse with you. They can point out fellows you may have overlooked or laugh with you at the insanity that is some profiles. They can also help you with the people you are on the fence about by telling you when you are being dumb or when you would be settling. Plus, if you do happen to like a guy you found while browsing with your friend, that’ll make for a fun story.
Switch up the site – I know awhile back I wrote about free online dating sites and I wasn’t so into them. However, upon hitting my most recent online dating wall, I decided to give OKCupid just one more chance. I mean heck, one of my closest friends is marrying someone she met on there – perhaps I should be a bit more open minded.
The good thing is, being on a new site is always exciting at first. New people, new site features, lots of fun questions to answers… So I dove in and let’s just say I am glad I did. The aforementioned new guy was someone I met on the site.
Re-do your own profile – Maybe you haven’t attracted anyone you are interested in because of what you’ve put out. I’m not saying that anything you wrote was wrong, but perhaps switching it up will attract the type of guy you would be more interested in responding too. It obviously couldn’t hurt to try.
Start responding to people – Online dating is never going to get more exciting if you are ignoring every message. And while I’ll never be one to recommend responding to a guy you know you could never like, I do think it can help you get out of your dating funk to give someone a chance. Even if it doesn’t work out with that guy, just getting back into the whole “responding” act may open new opportunities for you. Take my sister as an example. Mini Bradshaw has been testing the waters of online dating for a few months now and was just about to throw in the towel when she agreed to go on one more date. And while she didn’t actually like that guy at all (she in fact referred to him as an “uber goober”) she did run into another guy she knew on her way to the bathroom. And now, she’s got a date planned with that fine gentleman.
Change your search parameters - Perhaps you’ve been way to picky and you need to be a bit more open in your searches. Just like in the real world, sometimes you gotta ditch the checklist.
OR maybe you are being a bit too open and it is time to be a bit more specific. It gets depressing to scroll through page after page without seeing a single guy who catches your eye. So give your eyes a break and try being picky.
Mock people’s dorky profiles via FB updates, tweets and blog posts – Ok so you haven’t found a love connection just yet, but you have to admit, there are some good laughs to be had from reading peoples; profiles. So while you are waiting for someone awesome to come along, feel free to share the humorous anecdotes with your closest friends (and/or everyone on the internet). It makes everything seem a little less serious.
Search other cities – So there aren’t any smart, nice, hotties in your city? Good news, there are a ton of other cities. When I was bored a few weeks ago my friend convinced me to start looking at guys in SF. Oh holy heck, there were some adorable guys there. And no, I am not moving to SF, nor am I interested in starting up some sort of long distance relationship, but it sure was fun to imagine. Seeing the cuties in SF reminded me that I have not, in fact, dated every guy in the world, and that I don’t need to give up hope just yet.
Take a break - If all else fails, don’t keep hitting your head against a wall. You don’t want to be at that point where you are forcing yourself to go on dates and are repelling guys with your “nothing ever works out!” attitude. The truth is, while you don’t want to give up at the first sight of the online dating wall, there are going to be times where no amount of tips or tricks will change how you are feeling. At those times, taking a short break may be just what the doctor ordered. And who knows, maybe you’ll have better luck than I out in the real world.
Hey Cali! So glad you’re back at this! I was shocked to see 3 posts that I missed!
And obviously, so happy you decided to give okc a go! There are some nice men on there! clearly! Love you!
I’ve been on OK Cupid for a month now (my second go at the site) and I tried to be more open and responded to people I wouldn’t have necessarily responded to during my first try on the site. Well, it worked out, because when I agreed to go out with this guy, it turned out he was actually more attractive in person than in his pictures and we had a great time talking. We are going on our 3rd date this week and while it’s still a bit early to tell, I’m really glad that I gave him a chance!
I’ve tried OKC, but the problem with it was that I got matched up to one of my ex-best friends, which was awkward since me and him, really do not make a good couple…
I ended up erasing my profile :/ I might try it again…eventually.
Die to personal circumstances I haven’t been on ‘the market’ much over the past couple of years. Over that time-period has online dating really become as ubiquitous as it seems?
The idea of meeting ‘that someone special’ through an online service has never sat well with me. Maybe it was the bad experience I had in my teens when I met a girl through AOL chat. So far, I have only attempted to join the online dating ‘scene’ once. I was newly relocated to San Diego last summer and feeling lonely so I spent a two week stint POF.
I came out feeling like this:
http://www.cracked.com/article_15164_the-5-stages-online-dating.html
Except, I jumped directly from Stage 2 to Stage 5.
I’m not unattractive, independent, have a respectable job, and an active lifestyle despite working full time.
Online dating just seemed like the type of game I can’t win at. There were attractive females who seemed bitter due to the constant torrent of messages from jobless dbags, the mildly attractive but shy/weird girls who seem to be focused more on appearing provocative/interesting than meeting anybody, the girls who create a vanity profile just to see what types of guys respond (and maybe an additional ego boost), the photographer specialists who have mastered the art of taking bathroom pictures at provocative angles to hide their ‘real’ appearance, and the old or overweight women who were overly eager to meet anybody/everybody.
It all seemed very superficial, fake, and geared to people who have nothing better to do than troll (guys) or complain about trolls (females) online. I have a job and therefore only a limited time to do the things I love. The two weeks of time I wasted online are two weeks of beautiful California summer that I will never get back.
I gave it a shot, read probably a thousand profiles, rewrote my profile a half-dozen times, messaged maybe a dozen females, and no success.
I’m not really the type to partake in carpet-bomb dating. I’m the type of guy who goes to a social get-together, see one female I like, and either win her over or spend the rest of the night enjoying my time with friends. Approaching every single girl at a party to find the one who’ll ‘give it up’ always seemed tacky and classless. Maybe I’m just lucky but despite my total lack of ‘game’, I have been pretty successful at meeting girls in the past.
What I’m really trying to say is, I don’t want to give up doing things the old fashioned way. Some of my best memories of past girlfriends happened when we first met. An ice fight that escalated into more. The night I got really drunk and decided I would forego all shame until I could get a girl I was eyeing across the room to kiss me. The game of subtle body language followed by a secret meeting after everybody went to sleep. I tend toward being a shy aloof chickenshit and those moments where I break through and come out successful are triumphs I treasure.
Eventually, the question, “How did you meet?”, will always come up. Having nothing better to say than, “we met on [datingsite].com” feels like such a cop out. It’s like going hunting at the supermarket.
Call me a primitive but I want to say I walked off into the wilderness with nothing but a loin cloth, a spear, and a whole lot of courage and emerged a bruised and beat up with my prize. I’m a guy who embraces my nature and gets a charge out of the pursuit.
Maybe online dating leads to better long-term relationships because you’re forced to get to know the other person first. But at what cost? What about that unique moment of animal attraction where both of you can’t fight your inner desires anymore and give in completely.
I guess what I’m saying is, I’m finally to feel like I’m in a good place to start dating again but I’ve found it especially difficult to find somebody to date since moving to SD. Has online dating grown to the point where I need to give it another honest try. Or, do places still exist that people go to meet, mingle, mix, and find somebody special. You’re the expert.
Note: Sorry about the length, I’m a story teller at heart. Short and concise has never been my forte.
Phew! That was a long “comment”! ^_^ But definitely know where you’re coming from. I’m weary of online dating because I’m a little old fashioned. I’m not against it at all and know people that it has worked for…just not sure it’s for me. I recently moved to a new state, as well, and it’s a little less common for me to just bump into single guys my age.
I’d love to see Cali’s response to your comment!
This is great advice for online AND real world dating. I have never ventured into online dating; but know that dating period can get monotonous. It’s always good to shake things up – so I love your tips above.
Also, love your blog! Just came across it today and am happy that I did!