Tonight I’ve had an epiphany (albeit fueled by multiple dirty martinis but none the less, an astute observation). You guys, the root of all our dating anxiety, all of our problems, is one sole, festering problem – Facebook. You know I’m right, right?
Ok fine. I can’t attribute all of the many diverse dating problems I’ve had to Facebook- SOME have been related to green cards - but for the purposes of this post, Facebook is getting my wrath because at this exact moment it is evil and I hate it.
So what’s my latest beef with Facebook? Well there are many. Allow me to take a moment to share them with you.
The 7 reasons why Facebook is ruining my (dating) life.
1. The “seen by” notification on your messages. What the hell?? Does anything hurt worse than a message that has the little words “seen December 6th at 9 PM” and no accompanying response??? I’m going with no. When a friend blows you off it is irksome enough. But when your message offering to give your airline miles to a certain British gentleman is ignored — that’s a whole new level of harsh. Ok sir, noted. Me and my miles will go elsewhere. But really, F you Facebook. If you didn’t have the stupid “seen by” notification I could have told myself, poor darling is too busy with school and work and I would have put my pride aside to try and reach out again. But no… I cannot. Because those damn words haunt me on my final message to him, reminding me that he DID indeed read that message and chose not to respond. And now I’ve had to cross that unrealistic romance off the list, a fact that I am exceptionally bitter about because you know what, it was fun to think about.
2. The new girlfriend. Yep we all break up, and then move on. It’s life. But having to see pictures of the girl he is moving on with in your news feed is effing torturous. Especially when you aren’t friends with him OR her and yet her rotund face still manages to make an appearance.
And ya know what? Seeing her play “happy girlfriend” might not be so irksome if her boyfriend hadn’t sent you texts 7 whole days ago saying how much he loves you and wants to visit you. I’ll have you all know it is taking all (and I do mean ALL ) of my willpower not to screenshot that shit and leave it as a comment. Get out of my feed beeze. Next time I may not be so rationale.
3. The stalking opportunities. So you move to New York and meet a really great guy, yaay! And let’s say you purposely don’t friend him on Facebook, because as mentioned above, you feel like Facebook may just be the root of all evil in relationships. Butttt then all his best friends “friend request” you… Are you going to say no? Um no, that would be rude!
And let’s be real, once you accept it’s not like you aren’t going to look through a few pictures to see your handsome new leading man… oh… and his ex girlfriend.
Fast forward to an hour later and you find yourself on the ex’s profile, lamenting the gorgeous flowers he gave her and telling yourself he’s never going to love you as much as he CLEARLY once loved her. Perfect and totally healthy!
4. The Ex’s engagement. Does it matter that Mr. Not Quite Right looks old and sort of horrible (is he balding??)? Nope. Because there is his little baby girlfriend, looking smug and finally rocking a diamond on her left ring finger. I always knew this day would come, and intellectually, I was prepared for it. There is ZERO percent of me that wishes I was living in San Marcos and marrying his boring ass. BUT, I hate seeing all the congratulations, and the ring, and the smiles. And worst of all, I can’t help but wonder what he thinks of me. He’s probably like, “Oh that Crazy Cali. It’s so sad really….. she moved to New York and just goes to parties and dates and travels all the time. How sad her life must be!” And even though I don’t feel that way about my life, the idea that he might bugs the shit about me. Irrational, I know, but true. (And if you can’t be irrational and truthful on your own anonymous blog, where can you be?)
5. Bitches on Facebook be crazy. Last month I learned that my best guy friend in SD and his girlfriend got in a massive fight over my Facebook activity. Why you ask? Well apparently, being the brilliant genius that she is, she had deduced that I was in love with said guy friend because I only “like photos she isn’t in.” No really, I can’t make this shit up.
And even though everyone told her she was absolutely wrong and that she was reading WAY too much into likes, she disbelieved them so much that she actually went into his messages to check what we talked about. #Crazy. So not only is Facebook ruining my dating life, it’s ruining my guy friend life… Freaking fabulous.
6. You can see me, but I can’t see you. So I have the majority of my posts marked as public… Why? because I am an open book and I am not ashamed to the things I do or the places I go. OR because I hope that every asshole I have ever dated and subsequently un-friended occasionally checks up on me and thinks, damn her life is fucking fabulous… It’s definitely one of those reasons.
Regardless, the fact that I am somewhat “on display” is a Facebook reality I have come to accept… that is until I start dating someone and they inform me that they have creeped on me on Facebook. Now, I wouldn’t care if said fellow then “friended” me, or had ANY aspect of his profile public. But he has not and does not, and hence I am left feeling like I am getting the short end of the stick. Soooo you get to see everything about my past and I get a picture of your golden retriever?? Boo.
7. The oh so in love cheater. Go ahead, sir… Put up as many photos as you’d like of you and your girlfriend on vacation or kissing in front of the tree… it doesn’t change the fact that a month ago you were making out with me and begging me to get a hotel room with you. You and Facebook are both liars and I, for one, have no interest in participating in said duplicity any longer.
And you know what, I am sure this is JUST the tip of the iceberg…. I bet if you asked 100 people, “What’s pissing you off about Facebook right now?” they could rattle off a list of at least 3 things each. Let’s be real, probably more.
Now, I know the mature and responsible thing would be to not blame a social media platform for my current dating angst, however, I am not in a mature and responsible mood at the moment. So instead, just for tonight, let’s put all the blame for our dating troubles on The FB, because even if it isn’t the root of all dating issues, it sure does add fuel to the fire and thus warrants at least an evening of our wrath. Feel free to join in with your own ire in the comments…