I had a perfect plan this Saturday. Really, it was fool proof. After dealing with the stress of the ex trying to weasel his way back into my life, and dissecting the implications of my crush’s religious beliefs, I desperately needed to blow off some steam. So my two friends and I decided that, for the night, we were NOT looking for datable guys. Nope. We just wanted to make out. And only with someone super hot and dumb. The plan made lots of sense to me. I had reached my breaking point with waiting for the perfect boy to materialize and had listened to Ri Ri’s new S&M song one too many times. I was ready.
So we headed out to Longboards on the prowl. As per usj, I was on the look out for flannel. Boys wearing flannel always get preferential treatment in my book, especially if we are talking about a make out buddy. After a good couple of laps I identified two potential candidates, conveniently located at the next table over. True to form, one was wearing flannel. The other had on a surf tee and a precious smile (yea I have a make out type, so?).
With Single City Guy’s tips for approaching a guy fresh in my mind, my execution was mostly flawless. By 11 PM I was talking/flirting with both gentleman. The rest of the night was a bit tricky as I tried to decide who the best make out choice would be. Flannel boy was very sassy, and was quite the contender in the dance off I challenged him to. Surf Tee boy thought I was funny and randomly worked in the same industry as I do. I was thoroughly enjoying discussing my latest blog post from my company blog with him, and getting his insights on industry trends. By the end of the night I was in quite a pickle because I was pretty sure I could have either of them. Oh and they were friends.
Well, around 1:30 AM. flannel boy shot himself in the foot when he asked if I wanted to go to Viejas with him. Uh, no. Its almost 2 AM. I want to go to bed. And who the hell is driving to East County right now? #Flannelfail. So tee shirt boy was the lucky winner for the night.
The make out sesh was excellent and I was feeling pretty freaking great about my plan. I mean, here I was, making out with this cute guy, who was actually pretty damn smart. And who was randomly interested in what I like to do. And who was telling me how much he likes to run. And who was talking about his puppy. And who was super respectful of the fact that I told him making out was all he was going to get… All of a sudden I was like, “Oh holy shit.” This guys is kinda awesome. I am NOT making out with a dumb hot guy. I am making out with a smart, cool, nice, hot guy. I was not prepared for this situation.
And this, my friends, is how I came to the conclusion that “no strings attached” is pure bullshit. It is one of those great in theory things, but in reality, it blows. Now that I accidentally made out with a guy I would really like to date, I am going absolutely nuts waiting for him to call. (Which he won’t because A. I made out with him in a bar and B. The ones you reallllly like, never seem to call). So now, here I am, all miserable over another lost opportunity with a guy who was sure to be Mr. Right.
And, ya know, even on those times that I do successfully find a make out partner that is completely un-dateable, I usually don’t feel so hot about myself after. It’s hard not to help but wonder why the hell I am wasting my time on someone so sub-par. I’ve made out with enough hot guys in my life that just looking at an attractive face is not enough to excite me. Whoa, is that maturity? Shit. I feel old.
Now am I saying that we all should stop having casual make out sessions from time to time? Of course not. I love making out. I could do it all day. What I am saying is that we should stop making up lies to convince ourselves that this behavior doesn’t come with feelings. That may have worked in college, but we are older and wiser and we know that this is just pure bullshit. The truth is, life is full of strings and it is time to stop telling ourselves otherwise. The sooner you come to this realization, the better. Hopefully, if nothing else, it will help you avoid being me tonight: sitting here, beating myself up because my plan to relieve my guy stress ended with me obsessively checking my phone every three minutes. Good times.