Some of you may remember a post a few months back when I shared what I was referring to as one of my best first dates ever. You may also remember a post directly after that titled, Why Hasn’t He Called. Sigh – I was svenned.
Well what you never heard was the follow-up to that post. After crowd-sourcing from my wonderful readers as to whether or not I should call him, I went for it. Ok technically, I went for a witty text, but same difference. It took homeboy ALL day to text me back and then when he did it was super lame and boring. We had a quick convo and then he told me he had been working 12 hour shifts everyday and he’d call me when he got less busy.
Yea right, I am not dumb. Let’s call it like it is, shall we? You just got back from 6 months of traveling abroad and you are currently living on someone’s couch. All you want is to party and hang out with lots of cute girls. But all that was too long to write as a text message, so instead I just responded with, “Cool, sounds good.”
His response/the last text I ever got from him… “Lates, sweetness.” I (understandably) cringed when I got this. What a douchey thing to text, especially when we both knew he would not be calling me! But I figured whatever, I would never see/hear from this dude again anyway, so no need to assess his level of douchiness.
Well I was wrong. Take a gander at the message I received from him on Match last night. Please note, I haven’t edited it whatsoever. The liberties he has taken with grammar and capitalization are all his own doing…
“Your so hot, still not sure Why We stopped talking. Think i might know But doesnt really matter Anyways. I hope You Are happy and healthy. , J”
Holy hell. CLEARLY I underestimated his level of douchiness from the start. This isn’t just your average flakey guy. This guy must think he is pretty hot shit if he thinks he can get away with sending what has to be the most poorly written message in the history of the world to a girl he never called. What was my response supposed to be? Oh no worries! Let’s hang out now…And to then insinuate that I had something to do with why we never spoke again. Uh no, sir. Douche.
In hindsight, I can see his douchiness was there from the start, but I somehow missed/ignored the signs. In order to ensure that doesn’t happen again, I’ve decided to compile a list. Here are a few of the signs I should have heeded that this guy was, most definitely, a douchebag. My hope is that you can learn from my mistake.
Signs of Douchiness:
1. He talks about himself a lot. No really, like a lot. This dude actually said at one point, “Man I am talking about myself a lot, but let me just finish this story and then I’ll let you talk.” Dear sir, your story is not that interesting.
2. He makes you wait. No one else’s schedule is as important as yours, huh guy? This guy waited until 7 PM the night of our date to give me the details of our 8 PM date and THEN showed up 15 minutes late. No no, take your time.
4. He makes excuses. This guy had already tried the “I texted you, you must not have got it” excuse before we even had our first date. Then there were the excuses as to why he was late and the excuses as to why he was busy. Wa wa waaa. Man up.
5. He uses nicknames like sweetness. Wtf.
6. He over-compliments. A simple, “you look nice” - always appreciated. Spending all night talking about how hot my body is, how great my style is, how beautiful my eyes are, yada yada yada – douchey. This is a first date. Pump the brakes.
7. He hates proper grammar. I should have seen it from the start. He had all these crazy capitals in his Match profile too. I can only imagine he thinks he is too cool for traditional grammar because I refuse to believe that anyone is unintelligent enough to actually think capitals belong at random in the middle of sentences.
8. He tells you how much he believes in chivalry. Guys who feel the need to say this always seem to be the ones who don’t have a chivalrous bone in their bodies. Pretty sure making out with someone and then never calling them doesn’t classify as particularly chivalrous. Perhaps you have not looked up the definition?
The truth is, there were probably a whole lot more signs that this dude was douchetastic, but I was too busy being enamored by his compliments and nice body to notice. Ladies, don’t fall victim to this trap. While these douchbags can be tricky to identify out in the wild, it is imperative that we start looking for, and paying attention to, the signs. Once you start hearing those “this guy is douchey” alarms going off in your head, it is time to run. In fact, run right on over here and leave me a comment on how you knew he was a douche. Maybe we’ll be able to get a nice little list going here that everyone can reference. Together we can weed these douchey guys out!