10 Dec
You know what is one thing you are absolutely not supposed to talk about as a single girl? Babies. In fact, not only are you not supposed to talk about them, you probably shouldn’t think about them or heck, even look at one, because if you do, you are the crazy single girl whose biological clock is ticking.
Well, I’ve decided that’s silly. I think the time has come to stop pretending that having a baby isn’t something we’ve all been thinking about for years, no matter where we are in the process of preparing for parenthood.
For me, as a single 27 year old, it is suffice to say that I have conflicted emotions when it comes to child-bearing. On one hand, the mere thought of caring, supporting and paying for a defenseless human being is enough to make me want to chug a handle of jack, turn up the Kesha and dance naked on a table. On the other hand, I watch the way my friend absolutely lights up around her beautiful newborn and can’t help but think, I want one!! I would love to love anything in this world 1/8 as much as she loves that child.
But the reality is, there is no way I am ready to be a parent tomorrow. (Um hi, I am about to move to NYC for fun and adventure). And yet, even though I know I am not ready now, I am petrified of being 33, single, and having to deal with my biological clock tick-tocking all the live long day. That does not sound pleasant.
So, what to do? Is there any way to prevent such a dire situation in my future?
Well, bad news, I have yet to come up with a foolproof way to avoid this. (Helpful, right?) But I have compiled a few tips I use to deal with the whole baby situation and I thought I’d share in case you too are feeling conflicted on the topic.
The first realization I’ve had is that we have to stop judging ourselves if we aren’t in a “ready for a baby” place. Having a baby has to be on your time frame and your time frame only. No but, really. Do your best to ignore the pressure, even when it seems like it is coming from all angles, including surprising ones. Take my mom for instance. I never expected my mother, who has raised both of her children to be completely independent and career driven, to have such major grandma fever. I’ve am constantly hearing about how her friends on Facebook are sharing pictures of their grand kids, or how after 30 my eggs will be less viable, or how she’d like to be a young grandmother, etc…. And while she always prefaces it by saying she wants me to, “do it in the right order,” the inference is, I should get with the program.
But as we all know, it isn’t just coming from our moms. Babies are everywhere. They are all freaking over my Facebook, Instagram and Pinterest and they pop up in just about every conversation with my married friends. It’s enough to make any single lady want to freeze an egg or two…
But alas, I’ve realized that allowing all this baby fever to get to me isn’t helpful and all I can really do is focus on where I am at right now. Yes, I can absolutely picture a time where I will want nothing more out of life then to stay in on a Friday and sing my baby to sleep. BUT, if I really check myself, I can tell you there is no chance in hell that that time is now. Let’s look at the things that make me happy right now – shopping my ass off, weekends with friends, making out, the occasional party with celebrities, exercising like a maniac and kicking ass at work. Are these the hobbies of someone who is ready to be a mom? Nope. And that’s OK because that is where I am RIGHT NOW. So every time I start to feel the pressure, I just remind myself that just because others are in the “ready for a baby” place, doesn’t mean I have to be.
The second lesson I’ve learned is, don’t let your conflicted baby feelings make you stupid. I only just recently realized I was doing this, and the realization of just how dumb I was being totally freaked me out.
You see, over the last few years D and I stopped using condoms. Why? I have no idea. We never really discussed it and the switch was odd since we were both well aware of the fact that I am not on birth control. For awhile, my only real explanation is that we must both be morons. But a few months ago, I started to really question myself, and I realized that there was more to it.
You see, back in September, I was late. A good 3 weeks late. So late, that I actually told D about it and we had to have the, “what if I am pregnant?” talk. And so late that I had plenty of time to think of ALL the ways my life was about to change. What I realized is, there is no way I could handle being pregnant right now. But I also realized, that there was a teeny tiny part of me that would have been relieved if I was. Crazy, I know, but hear me out. Worrying that I may never get to be a mom causes me some pretty serious anxiety. And even though I don’t want a baby now, I suspect that I subconsciously thought an accidental pregnancy would at least mean I wouldn’t have to worry anymore…
As soon as I acknowledged this thought process, I was able to put the kibosh on the whole situation. While being pregnant now would relieve that anxiety – pretty sure having D’s baby would come with about 4,000 new reasons to be anxious. So, from that moment on, I vowed to have a more honest dialogue with myself regarding babies. Yes, I for sure want a baby in the next 10 years. But no, I do not want a baby now. And most importantly, I never want a baby with D.
So not only did I stop sleeping with D without a condom, I stopped sleeping with D altogether. Being honest with myself about my baby feelings gave me a lot of clarity and empowered me to keep my eye on the prize. If I do want to have a baby someday, then this is the time to be out, giving quality guys a chance… Not risking getting pregnant by a guy who I know doesn’t have the slightest desire to be a dad.
The bottom line is, when it comes to babies, there is still a lot I have to figure out. But the one thing I know for sure is, stressing about babies isn’t a problem us singles have to face alone. In fact, baby pressure is one of the few things singles, couples and marrieds can all empathize on, because no matter where you are on the path towards parenthood, you are feeling pressure until you pop one out. So when I feel the anxiety creeping up, I’ve discovered that I actually have a large pool of people I can talk to. And these people often understand exactly what I am feeling and usually make me feel pretty good about where I am in the present. Sometimes, that’s really all you need.
So that’s how I deal, but what about all of you? For the ladies out there, are you already feeling the pressure and do you have any tips on how to deal? And for my guy readers – do you guys get pressured too? I’d be super curious to know.
Hi Cali,
YES I can absolutely relate to the pressure. I am nearly 30 (a few short months away) single and no where near being ready for any kind of baby. I was just talking about this with my friend and I think it is a generational thing; although a lot of friends my age have kids (still getting used to saying “congratulations” instead of “er, what are you gonna do?”). My mother and grandmother constantly hound me about babies, my mom offers to sign me up for dating websites every time I go back home… at this point I don’t think she even cares if the cart comes before the horse (or the impregnated uterus before the husband) she just wants grandbabies and she wants them now.
The thing is, I’m pretty sure I don’t even want kids. Like ever. And I’m ok with that. Kids are great, don’t get me wrong; but I think I would be an awesome Aunt, or God Mother or hell even surrogate for one of gay friends. It was never my dream to be a mom, I’m not going to be bullied into parenting. I’m ok with being party of one.. and maybe someday 2 (plus a dog).
Live your life, press the snooze button on that clock and take care of yourself exactly where you are now. It’s where you’re meant to be.
Hey dear! My friends are also either with child or pregnant. It’s very hard to be in a situation where you aren’t even close to that. I know I want to be a mom and have a family but with 30 around the corner it scares me that I could end up single and alone with no kids in my 30′s. I love my career and I have worked hard at advancing (minus my current unemployment) and it’s hard to see EVERYWHERE you turn babies and families. I miss like I missed the train. I wanted to have kids the same age as all my best friends and siblings but now I realize, that won’t happen. It’s hard to let go of. I’m back trying to focus on my career (if I can get a job) and hope that these things will happen sooner rather than later but that I have to understand it’s better to wait and have a child with a man who wants to be a great dad and husband and not someone who was just there and will run at the first sign of stress. Keep your head up…your an (absolutely) gorgeous girl (I’m super jealous) and have an awesome life (again jealous) and have a lot in front of you. You are not alone! Plus if you ever want to complain…I’m in the same boat too :) No worries, you’ll have fabulously stylish babies one day.
Wow this post was SO honest. I’m really in awe! Especially with some of the hate you get on here on occasion.
I’m on the doorstep of 25 which is NOT old. But a few months ago I got like really wrapped up in my “timeline” and how I wasn’t on track. And FREAKED myself out. Big time! I became pretty crazy for a few months, and I really respect and value my friends for helping me through.
What it comes down to really, is that women can’t have children forever. They just can’t. That is life. For many women, having children post 32 is an EXTREME struggle. I feel like this terrible truth has been swept under the rug in the name of feminism, and it’s really unfortunate for those women who didn’t get real with themselves early on. I think what I’ve decided is that I’m on a life path right now. I’m doing New York and young adulthood. If I wanted to be married and pregnant soon, I probably wouldn’t live here. It just wouldn’t make sense to. So I decided that if I lived my life and was so happy and content with where I was going, and kids weren’t going to be in the picture that would be ok. I think kind of coming to a place where I was like “I will have a wonderful life, but maybe no kids” helped me immensely. I found out the pressure I was putting on myself was at least 1000x more stressful than anything my mom was saying (who has 5 grandchildren and is still greedy for more).
Yeah, who’d expect so much honesty on an anonymous public sex blog, right?
Burn?
Hey Cali,
So glad to see a post. Here’s a perspective from a girl of Pakistani, Muslim (Gasp!) (my family and I are not religious though) background. As Pakistanis, most of my friends are married after they do their undergraduate degree — which is 22! I’m 22 right now, I’m about to finish university and I’ve been in 2 relationships — both lasted a few months max. And as you know, in our culture arranged marriages are perfectly acceptable.
Not that I’m not open to an arranged marriage, but I’d really rather choose my partner. And looking at the rate I’m going with my relationships, I’m most likely not going to find someone worth spending the rest of my life with anytime soon!
With that said, I just want to give you a different perspective. I’m 22 and I’m getting the pressure to get married every day. My parents try to find me “nice guys” who are educated and well-settled all the time. Just imagine the pressure to get pregnant if I do get married (a few of my friends are already mothers at 23-25 :/ )
I would trade my life with yours any day! I want to live in California so badly but I’m stuck in Toronto :( Your career sounds amazing. I want to have carefree relationships, date, go out and have fun like you do without worrying about the consequences.
Just wanted to say, don’t fret! You have an awesome life and everything will fall into place when it should. Including some cute babies :)
If we stick our fingers into the soil, I think most of us can relate to the pressure of having kids at some points, speaking as a guy. Even though we live in the western world, where mentality is supposed to be so open minded about the choices we make as individuals, I’d say heteronormativity still stays strong, there are many people living standardized family lives while expecting others to make the same set of choices, i.e. the same types of choices they made.
I think the key to face the pressure is to be honest with yourself and what you want. Challenge the people that try to describe you as someone who’s not wanting to grow up by showing that being honest and making an informed decision on what _you_ want is far more mature than letting yourself be pressured into making hasty choices down the road based on external opinions. I will probably never understand the people who are just going with the flow on life-changing decisions such as having kids. They will be one’s responsibility until 18, and they will forever be a part of life, so one’s gotta be damn sure if and when to have them. Many parents bring up their kids to be independent, career oriented and to make those informed decisions, thus they shouldn’t be surprised if their offspring decide to wait longer than they did before having kids themselves or possibly not at all.
Personally, I’m going with Heather on this one. I would probably have made an awesome uncle or to be part of some family members childrens life, but taking the next step into parenthood is something different. I’ve never felt the urge to have kids myself, nor do I at the current age of 32, and it’s not really realistic to expect that I’ll change my mind. I try to stay focused on my career path instead which both gives professional satisfaction and new friends. I’ve even touched the though of having a vasectomy but haven’t really wrapped my mind around that yet.
Of course some people tell me that I may regret when I’m older if I’m not having kids. Yes, it’s always a chance that you will regret your choices later in life, but I’m not willing to live my life based on some feelings that I just _may_ have in a distant future, if I were to live like that I never would have accomplished anything. All we have is here and now and knowing whether that make us happy or not while trying to build on the good things and making adjustments on the not so good things.