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The Slut Quotient.

8 Aug

By Laney

The current state of my love life is nothing short of abysmal—sort of amazing I was selected to contribute to a dating blog… It has been 319 (give or take) days since I’ve had sex. It’s like I can feel my virginity growing back.

Supposedly, this is my time to “sow my wild oats,” or whatever other weird euphemisms older people use to tell me it’s totally ok to sleep around and be irresponsible before I’m ready to settle down. But perhaps that’s not really my style? I’ve always sort of felt like a need-some-kind-of-connection-before-getting-naked kinda girl, and because I’m fighting that feeling while wearing some I-just-wanna-get-laid glasses, I’m finding this dry spell particularly tough. To slut-it-up, or to not slut-it-up, that is the question.

Until I have decent options for ending my stay in the sexual desert, I’ll just propose a new term. Enter, the Slut Quotient: a person’s individual propensity towards being a slut. Because you know what? I don’t think there’s really such a thing as “being a slut.” Or “not being a slut.” This so-called slutty (or not slutty) behavior is just me testing the boundaries of what I’m comfortable with and who I am.

I got made fun of a ton for “not putting out” in high school. Other than being horny teens who were dying to sleep with me/anyone with a vagina, it turns out those guys were just imposing their Slut Quotient on me. When I was ready, I had (and am still having… up until 319 days ago) a blast discovering all-things sex.

Anyone who calls you a slut—or a prude—is just measuring you against their Slut Quotient. Screw that; take the time to find your own, and be the only one who gets to judge your levels of sluttiness.

This dry spell has given me plennnnnnnnnty of time to think about (and seriously test the boundaries of) my own Slut Quotient. There’s no one I’m particularly interested in at this minute this year, and I’m finding that, for me, being single and sexually satisfied has one major flaw: There is no sensible way to have consistent, monogamous sex. (It’s not necessarily a commitment thing, it’s a health and safety thing!)

Sure, I could probably meet someone down for the dirty at a bar, a club or online, but frankly that’s out of character for me. I’ve always been accepting, welcoming even, of grey area and unconventional relationships, but I’m simply a one-man kinda girl. Taking home a stranger sounds exciting, but it’s just not for me. At this point, I almost wish it were…

I’m not getting laid so I’m getting in kick-ass shape instead,
Laney.

9 Responses to “The Slut Quotient.”

  1. Evan August 15, 2013 at 11:12 pm #

    “There is no sensible way to have consistent, monogamous sex. (It’s not necessarily a commitment thing, it’s a health and safety thing!)”

    Maybe I can help. I’ve had a few ‘buddies’ in the past/present where we kept things mutually exclusive, had a lot of amazing sex, and still managed to go our separate ways without any drama.

    To keep it mutually exclusive, you just need to find the right ‘type’ of guy and set the standard that the door is open as long as he doesn’t wander. I have the same preference and unless I’m some freak anomaly, there should be other guys out there like me.

    If you’re not just looking for a one night hookup I’d suggest staying away from bars. The type of guys who gravitate to bars every weekend are usually on the hunt for girls who have the unmistakable ‘achy loins’ and lowered standards to match.

    Since you’re getting into shape your best approach is to branch out and join some groups to meet people with similar interests. People who are active and in shape generally have a high sex drive anyway so that’s definitely a good place to start. Plus, it’s a good excuse to rock your yoga/track pants and show off your hard work.

    Meet and be an active participant in the group(s). Eventually, you’ll meet somebody you have some physical chemistry with. Show some interest, initiate some one-on-one hangout time outside of the group. Choose activities that are less formal and more intimate. For example, movie night in with wine/drinks is an easy one.

    Give the appropriate signals, like touching, flirting, playful teasing, posturing. Don’t escalate too much until he reciprocates or he might think you’re desperate/easy (ie huge turn-off). He might seem oblivious or play dumb for a bit – there are sociological reasons behind why that I don’t care to explain. The key is, be enough of a challenge that he won’t assume you’re an easy target for any guy who shows a slight interest.

    Guys perceive ‘sluts’ as girls who are loud, proud, and shameless about sex. They have low enough standards that any guy who positions himself in the right place at the right time is going to get laid. There are plenty of women who love the attention that comes with being constantly pursued by lots of guys. Likewise there are plenty of guys who have no shame about hopping from one girl to another. To them, it’s just a numbers game and an ego trip.

    The sooner you sleep with a guy, the less he’ll be inclined to pursue a LTR but also the less of a challenge you’ll be to him (ie the faster he’ll get bored and move on). Anticipation is definitely a good thing but don’t draw it out too long. Try to set the expectation that you’re not looking for a LTR before the first time you sleep together so he doesn’t unnecessarily over-commit and lose face. If he has genuine ‘feelings’ and they’re not mutual it’s probably a good idea not to pursue further.

    Make it a point that you don’t want to be boyfriend/girlfriend in public, that what happens between you is done behind closed doors or away from prying eyes. It’s important to keep things private enough that if/when you go your separate ways it doesn’t negatively impact any mutual friendships or potential future dating opportunities. Even though guys don’t have to deal with slut shaming, shamelessly fooling around in public will most likely screw up future dating opportunities for him too.

    Be sure to keep your feelings in check. You’re not looking for a boyfriend, your ‘other half’, the guy who texts you every morning and every night. That’s what friends/boyfriends are for. Don’t set the wrong expectations. If he spoils you, reward him with lust and passion not affection. Treat it like a relationship that’s stuck in a perpetual ‘honeymoon phase’.

    If somebody (ex close friend) catches on and asks what’s going on between you two. Say you’re ‘seeing’ each other. Dating implies you’re still searching, relationship implies commitment, seeing somebody implies that you share each other’s company but aren’t committed to a partnership.

    It’s really difficult to change the tone of a relationship after the start. Like trying to break out of the ‘friend zone’. If you find yourself desiring a LTR, find somebody else.

    Last but not least, have fun. The secrecy adds an element of danger/risk that makes the sex all the more exciting. To some degree, make him work for it. There’s a chance at any point that either person could move on so treat every encounter like it could be the last.

    • Laney August 15, 2013 at 11:37 pm #

      Evan, holy crap. Thanks for the thoughtful comment—I think you just wrote my next blog post!

      I, like any person who realizes that emotions sneak up on you, am always wary of FWB type situations, but I like your point that it’s not about turning an existing friendship into a sexcapade, but about finding someone new and building a new relationship, or as you said “seeing” someone.

      I feel like I’m in a bit of a gray area—I’m open to a long term thing if it feels right (I find that those are few and far between for me), but I’m also open to all sorts of unconventional middle grounds depending on the vibe between me and this other person. It’s difficult to find someone I want to bone repeatedly, but can confidently avoid having feelings for—stupid estrogen. ;)

      Honestly, the only thing I see wrong with finding someone new to “see” is that I’m terrified of building those constructs for our relationship, eventually developing deeper feelings for him and getting hurt, which is exactly what happened with my last man-friend. I’m sure I’m just a little jaded and burned from him; he turned out to be a bit of a douche and handled the whole thing really poorly.

      I’m also pretty terrible at all-things emotional. I’m far more logical and have a hard time breaking through emotional barriers… which probably explains why my biggest concern about casual sex is hygiene and safety. ;)

      thanks for the insight. Stay tuned!
      -L

      • Evan August 22, 2013 at 7:00 pm #

        Your welcome. It felt a little strange trying to frame a dating approach of mine from a female perspective.

        I guess I felt inclined to share because it can be such an amazing experience and it sounds a lot like what you’re looking for.

        There’s such a bad stigma attached to sex in our society. It’s sad that people see the polar opposites as the only available options. Either, stick to serial monogamy where you jump from relationship to relationship or get wasted and hook up with the first stranger who shows an interest.

        In my opinion both are terrible options. Drunkenly giving it up to strangers is cheap and disrespectful to yourself. Misleading somebody into thinking that a relationship will go the distance even though you know it’s not is a terrible way to treat that person.

        The reality is, some people have a very powerful sex drive and wish to express it with somebody in a safe and respectful environment. The world isn’t a clean split between those who are waiting to go the distance at this instant and those who don’t mind being used and tossed aside.

        Most women (and people in general) resort to recycling old exes. I won’t lie and act like I haven’t done the same. It’s easy to break through that barrier when two people are already familiar on an intimate level. I can think of multiple exes where, if I gave a very particular non-verbal and non-sexual cue (each unique to that person) there’s a high likelihood that she’d be immediately aroused. Even after not seeing each other for years. Old memories resurface and humans are hard-wired to recall past experiences in a positive light. The problem is, it’s too easy and it’s usually a bad idea. Most relationships end for a good reason, why pour salt in old wounds.

        It takes a level of acceptance and understanding to keep emotions from clouding reality. For us guys, emotions and sex are mutually exclusive so it’s not something we inherently understand. It’s hard to be intimate with a person but not be the center of their universe. All I can say is, if you find the right type of guy, he will know how to be kind and respectful of your feelings.

        The upside is. A relationship based on lust won’t be riddled with false expectations. There’ll be no anger or resentment for forgetting to text ‘good morning’ every day, no concerns about making time for friends without offending your guy, no concerns about whether your friends will like/accept the guy. Your life comes first, period. You can get together as frequently or as rarely as you choose.

        Take all the nasty complications of a relationship out of the equation and you’d be amazed at how much more free and fulfilling your sex life can be. I’m not saying it trumps genuine true love but it’s definitely an eye-opening (or toe curling) experience.

        As always, I’ll be tuned-in. Hearing the female perspective helps me keep from becoming jaded in the messy world of dating.

        -E

  2. Cali Bradshaw August 18, 2013 at 2:27 pm #

    Hey Laney… Girl, we have ALL been there. I am currently going 58 days without sex and I can tell you, it’s already making me batty. I think you make a great point about all of us having our OWN slut quotient, and something I would add to that is that as we change and grow, it might be good to re-assess where we are at on the “spectrum.” You may surprise yourself.

    For instance: I just slept with a “random” in a bar for the first time in my life and it was honestly the most fun I’ve had in years. Had you asked me prior to said event, would I ever do that, I would have told you no chance in hell. BUT, I found this guy to be extremely charming and decided that in the same spirit of moving to NY, I would try something different.

    The crazy thing about it was, because I thought I’d never see this guy again, I was able to be more “myself” than I’ve been with the last 10 guys I’ve dated. (I should add, it was my last night in Chicago and he lives in England – I don’t think this would work nearly as well with someone who lived in my city). And not only did we have the best sex ever, we enjoyed one another so much that we actually decided to keep in touch and I am now going to England in October :)

    So my point is, you may think you know exactly where you stand, but sometimes testing out and reassessing your quotient has some fun and rewarding results!

    That being said, make sure he is cute and charming. And preferably British and blonde.

    XO,
    Cali

    • Laney August 19, 2013 at 5:03 pm #

      For sure! Love the point that the Slut Quotient is a moving target throughout our lives. (That’s the fun part, right? Always checking to see where it stands?!)

      I’m definitely a never-say-never kinda girl, but for now, bedding a rando just doesn’t feel right to me. Perhaps the right gentleman just hasn’t come along ;) I’ll keep an eye out for cute and charming British blonds.

  3. Elizabeth August 19, 2013 at 12:16 am #

    Laney
    Thank you SO much for finally addressing what NO ONE seems to be talking about, but is happening to many of us. The topic people leave out of the whole “being single” thing is that you can’t have consistent sex! And lately I’ve been the queen of 2 dates..meaning I have gone out with so many guys lately who I have a sort of interest in on the first date, and am so bored by the end of the second date that I dump them before we can even get to anything physical (obviously if they were just really really hot I would try to just use them for sex but I tend to date below me in looks so as not to be cheated on). Thank you for bringing up this point though. I myself am going on roughly 5 months with out and have even had longer dry spells. My best friends are all the same way and even many guys I know are. I find out through the grapevine they havent so much as kissed a girl in months. It’s tough to be single these days, with everyone’s instant gratification and numerous options running wild. But truthfully, I think it’s fine. Go get yourself some good vibrators and you will be golden until you find your next man. I’m selective, like you, and have to “feel it” before I can even get into bed with a guy I’m dating. Thus, the long months without! I’d be curious to know long it’s been for other readers too, or what’s the longest they have gone. I dont think everyone in their 20s these days is having half the sex that the media makes it seem.

    • Laney August 19, 2013 at 5:05 pm #

      Thanks for the love, Elizabeth. I think you’re right, no one is having nearly as much sex as we’ve all been led on to think they are. Here’s to hoping we can be soon, though!
      -L.

  4. James Buzinko August 26, 2013 at 7:50 am #

    I love the idea of slut quotient and I totally agree with you on this one. No woman I knew can be categorized as being slut or not slut as each one has from time to time slutty behavior.

    • Laney August 26, 2013 at 9:22 pm #

      Thanks James! I am so over other people putting their Slut Quotient (and other judgements) on me, that I’ve actually been hypersensitive about my own judge-y behavior. It’s amazing what the power of perspective can do for your mindset!

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