Things aren’t exactly goin’ my way lately, particularly when it comes to my existence as a single girl. Here’s what’s currently driving me to [insert vice here]:
1) My dating life. It’s a good thing I’m about to become really busy with extracurriculars, I won’t have nearly enough time to stalk people online and wallow in the second coming of my virginity.
2) The car hug. OMG just stop. This is not how you end a date. Under any circumstances. I’ve done scientific research and the car hug is the least sexy form of touch ever.
3) Being a 90% match with your ex. You know what, Match.com… go fuck yourself.
4) Running into the last date you had, while he’s out with someone else. Hey, you took me to dinner two weeks ago; nice troll, did you get her at the Qwik-E-Mart? (Things that dont suck? Putting your hand on his shoulder at the exact moment he starts to introduce her and interrupt by saying “I don’t want to interrupt. Good to see you” then turning around.)
5) Facebook. Preach it, Cali.
6) Wedding invitations without a plus one. You can expect a lengthy rant as the big day approaches, I assure you.
7) Being the only single girl/person in the office. …and having to listen to the boss constantly say “you’re not seeing anyone, are you? I dunno know why, you’re pretty.” Thanks, boss.
8) My best friend’s boyfriend. He’s always around, and he’s always in gross PDA mode. I’m not sure if I’m mad at him for being a clingy, over-touching human barnacle, or if I’m mad at her for allowing it to happen and not realizing that it’s not only not appropriate public behavior, but that if I wanted him around, I’d have invited him myself. And that game they play where he tries to unhook her bra while we’re out to dinner should NOT be a thing.
Grumpy—party of one,