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When Do You Walk Away

10 Mar

Post by Cali

I love Laney’s last post, I am Ted Mosby, because I have definitely felt that same way…. just so freaking tired of waiting for “the one” and critically aware of how desperate that statement makes me sound. I can all too well relate to the intense desire to fall in love; to just one time love someone who loves me back and have it all end happily ever after.

And yet, even though I so desire to get to that point with someone special, I am still unwilling to settle for just any relationship. This last weekend it became obvious to me that no matter how much potential there may be in a relationship, the relationship may not be able to survive if it isn’t something I can live with today.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve been dating a lovely gentleman for the past two months and, suffice to say, I like him. We have great chemistry, I find him interesting and smart, we have a lot in common and I like the way he treats me – when we’re together. Part of me can’t help thinking, maybe just maybe, I have finally found that person.

However, there are also a whole heck of a lot of challenges that come with dating this guy, and it seems like all of these challenges are my problem. And after yet another weekend of feeling upset and let down, I’m just not sure I am up for continuing this with the hopes that things will get better. And more importantly, I don’t think I should be up for it… But I’d be curious to hear your perspective

So what are these “challenges” I am dealing with? Well, for starters, he’s pretty fresh out of a 2.5 year relationship. He broke up with this girl in November because (according to him) he just hadn’t been in love with her for awhile. And to be completely honest he seems very apathetic towards her, so that’s not the problem. But he’s also expressed a desire to be single for awhile and told me he doesn’t want to just jump into another relationship. He’s said that while he sees this going somewhere, he needs time to do his own thing for a bit.

Can I respect that in theory? Heck yea. But in reality, it’s hard being the one just waiting. The rules are all so unclear… Can I go on dates with other guys? Can I date the same “other” guy multiple times? Can I kiss other guys? Can I sleep with other guys? What if I develop feelings for another guy, then what?

And while two months in I am not at my breaking point with all this grey area, I’m not really getting any signs that we are progressing in any sort of timely fashion. Somehow, I think 6 months in I will be having a lot more trouble being zen with all the waiting.

There’s also the fact that he is exceptionally busy. Yes, this is New York City, and yea, most men are pretty damn busy; but this gentleman is maybe one of the busiest. He works in an industry that constantly requires client dinners, drinks and travel on most weekends — leaving very little time for a budding romance. And while he’s made an effort to share the time he does have with me, I’m not sure I am into this whole,  “I see you once a week, on your time-frame” thing. I also have a social life, and having to arrange it around his schedule is frustrating. But more importantly, I feel like expressing said frustration is off the table. Apparently he felt like he always had to justify work obligations in his last relationship, so I get the impression that I am just supposed to shut up and deal with it. But can I? Not sure.

Another fun little piece of baggage weighing down this romance is his ex. First off, she doesn’t seem to be over him, even if he’s over her. She’s texting, emailing, showing up at his place drunk….eeesh. And while he says he didn’t let her in, and isn’t encouraging the behavior, it’s very reminiscent of  what happened with Mr. Cute but Whiny. I don’t like it.

Furthermore her presence isn’t just limited to his phone, email and doorstep…. oh no, this lovely young lady just so happens to live in my building. Fact. Of all the buildings in New York City, I happen to live 6 floors below this gentleman’s ex-girlfriend. And despite it being a big building, I’ve run into her 3 times in the past month alone – awkward. But awkwardness aside, because she lives here the gentleman will never come to my house. He says (and I do actually agree) that it would just be too disrespectful to her to show up in her apartment building, with another girl after he dumped her. Ok fair, but always going to his house means I am always the one traveling. I am the one paying for the 30 dollar cabs or taking the 40 minute subway and it is just one of many ways that I feel like I am putting in far more effort into this thing than he is.

But the biggest challenge of all is  this: because it’s obvious that he is SO not ready to be in a relationship, I constantly find myself walking on egg shells. When I’ve tried to talk to him about getting together, if he sees a future for us, or anything even remotely related to my feelings — it’s like talking to a wall. He just shuts down,  gets defensive and blows me off for a few days. And while I know that’s just yet another symptom of him needing time, I can’t pretend like its not hurtful. It’s hard to be the one dropping everything to see a guy, doing everything on his schedule, catering to his needs and yet being afraid to ask for anything in return. And I’m not someone who wants to talk about my feelings all day every day but freaking throw me a bone every now and then!

So at this point, I feel pretty clear on what I need to do. Do I want to throw away something good too soon because of a few issues? No. But I think there is a difference between a few issues and timing that is just plain off. And even if he was ready for a relationship, would I be cool with just seeing a guy I was dating once a week? Would I be cool with constantly rearranging my schedule to fit his? I just don’t know.

And then there’s one other question I keep asking myself – what else am I missing out on while I am sitting around waiting for this guy? Yes, I like him a lot….but what if there is a guy out there who I could like even more and who would be more willing to include me in his life. What if there was a relationship out there where it just wouldn’t have to be this hard and where it might be a bit more two-sided?

So what do you all think? Would you let it play out if you thought that despite how shitty it is right now, it had potential for the future? Or would you kindly let him know that, for now, you are only interested in friendship until he feels a bit more ready to be an active participant in the relationship? If you all could kindly let me know, I would be ever so grateful.

Many thanks. CB

11 Responses to “When Do You Walk Away”

  1. Laney March 10, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

    Guuuuurl, I have to tell you to turn around and run. Or at least modify your relationship to be friends with him (if you can manage that). When you say you want things to “progress in a timely manner” it means you’re looking for him to grow into your boyfriend, which he has said he does not want. And he means it. For now at least. If things change for him, he’ll find you. Then it’s up to you to make it work or not. For now, he’s made it clear that he’s NOT going to put in more effort or be more committed, and if you ride it out with different expectations than what he’s been clear about, you will only end up bitter, hurt and possibly unable to have any type of relationship with him.

    If you have a great connection, do all you can to set yourself up for better timing, should that ever exist.
    -L.

    • Cali Bradshaw March 11, 2014 at 2:29 am #

      Hey love! I agree with everything you’ve said so thanks for the wisdom :) One point of clarification, he did actually say he wanted to be my boyfriend, just that he needed a few months. However, my gut tells me he is going to need a lot more than a few months to shed this baggage, so alas I think the result is the same!

      Le sigh. It could be worse. I could be dating Juan Pablo.

      • The other CB March 11, 2014 at 6:02 pm #

        I’m with Laney, run far away. He definitely doesn’t seem to be putting any effort into this. I read another blog where the guy recently wrote a piece on ways that men mask their indifference:
        http://www.therulesrevisited.com/2014/02/6-ways-men-mask-their-indifference.html

        It sounds exactly like what this guy is doing to you. You don’t deserve anything less than the very best, and he is definitely not giving you that! So, I agree- end it on a good note, telling him that you would be open to seeing him again in the future when he’s ready to put the effort in, but until then, you can just be friends.

        • Cali Bradshaw March 11, 2014 at 7:48 pm #

          I like that article! Especially the part where it says go with your gut…. in the beginning my gut said stick it out but in recent weeks my intuition has done a 180. Maybe he just got too comfortable or I just got to know him too well, but my gut definitely says that this behavior won’t be changing anytime soon. Thanks for the support, lady! I never want to be one of those over dramatic, no one is good enough for me girls, but I also don’t want to be walked on :)

          Thanks for reading! CB

  2. Mully March 11, 2014 at 8:51 pm #

    He won’t come to your building? That’s low courage and you’re CB, for crying out loud. Homeboy should be waiting outside in the morning with piping hot bagels and fists full of star gazer lillies. Ditto Laney and….three thumbs down

    • Cali Bradshaw March 12, 2014 at 12:53 pm #

      Ha!! Thank you, Mully :) I think perhaps I forgot some of that a little with all of the non-guy related shit that has been going on in my life. Dealing with all of that has been taxing and I think I was hoping at least one area of my life would be going right! But now that things are looking up in other areas, it freed me up to see some of the BS I’ve been putting up with! Onwards and upwards on all accounts.

  3. Yoyo March 12, 2014 at 12:38 am #

    I don’t want to be in a relationship = I don’t want to be in a relationship withYOU.
    Run.

    • Cali Bradshaw March 12, 2014 at 12:56 pm #

      In this case I am inclined to agree but I don’t know that that’s a blanket rule. I would sort of judge anyone who WANTED to jump into another relationship 2 months after ending a 2 and a half year relationship. But regardless of the how or why, homie isn’t ready yet and I am and there is no way to change that fact. So on we go!

  4. aaaaaaaaaaaa March 14, 2014 at 8:05 am #

    Just thought you might enjoy this post: http://elitedaily.com/women/single-girl-problems-the-17-things-that-make-me-an-undateable-girl/

    I’d say embrace the singledom. No point hoping something will happen because you’re shutting yourself off to meeting other potentially amazing guys.

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