2 Nov
When you’re considering a giant life change you spend a LOT of time thinking about your future. And while I’m of course worried about what moving to NYC may mean for my career, my friendships, and my wardrobe; I’ve also thought quite a bit about what it might mean for my love life. When you feel like you’ve dated every eligible guy in your city, it’s only natural to wonder, will this move bring me any closer to finding “The One”?
Now I know many people roll their eyes at the term “The One” and hey, I totally get it. I’ve always been of the mindset that there are at least a handful of people with whom you could have a future with, and that it was all just a matter of timing. I mean really, if there is only ONE person for each of us, why is it that everyone from high school seems to keep marrying each other?? I have a hard time believing that the universe, in its infinite wisdom, threw so many soul mates together in one class. (And if that was the case, I’m fucked because I clearly let mine get away).
However, after spending the past 10 years dating, I am starting to doubt that there really are a number of people I could be compatible with for forever. Let’s look at the numbers shall we? Let’s assume I’ve met 10 thousand guys in the past 10 years (a rough estimate, but seems about right) and yet I have only been attracted to maybe a couple hundred. And of that subset, probably only about half of them were attracted to me. Then you start throwing in compatibility factors like lifestyle, where they live, religion, relationship status, future plans, morals, priorities, and one by one, every single one of these guys has been ruled out. It leaves a girl to think that perhaps there aren’t that many people with whom she could settle down with after all. Hell, maybe there isn’t even one…
This thought process generally leads to two lines of thinking for me:
1. Shit, I am going to die alone. I might as well have sex with D for now since he probably is as close to “The One” as I’ll ever get.
or 2. Maybe I need too lower my standards. (Choosing this option leads me to go on a slew of dates with guys I “should” like and yet never do… which generally brings me right back to option number one).
So last week, after yet another snore of a date, it was no surprise that I found myself beginning down this familiar road once again. And, then, just as I was debating which of my two unappealing choices I should resort too, I found some inspiration to hold out hope for something better. What brought about this shift? Allow me to share.
The first thing that inspired me was actually an episode of How I Met Your Mother… yes I find hope in TV sitcoms – so? In all seriousness, I love this show’s premise. The whole thing is about the dating failures of the main character (Ted) and how all of this ultimately leads to his happy ending. What single person in this world doesn’t hope that they too will be able to tell a similar story?
But I digress. The particular episode that stuck with me was the one where Ted goes on a blind date, only to discover that the woman is someone he was set up with 8 years before. They both (understandably) wonder if that means they’ve dated all the available people in NYC and thus try and see if there might be something between them. They re-live their first date, correcting one another’s “mistakes” and laugh about how judgmental they were 8 years prior. And just as I was thinking that this episode was supposed to be a lesson in being more tolerant and open-minded in dating, the plot shifted. Ted points out that while they did have much more fun this second time around, they aren’t really a fit for one another. He tells her that they each deserve to be with people who not only tolerate their quirks, but love them.
I actually found this point to be quite profound. I am always beating myself up for not trying harder to like someone; but maybe, I need to just chill. Perhaps I am not being too harsh by waiting for someone I am truly excited about. Maybe it isn’t too much to ask for someone whose quirks are not only tolerable, but endearing. If Ted can hold out for that person, so can I – right? (Just go with it).
The second thing that gave me hope was that one of my best friends in this world got engaged. Now sometimes, when I see yet another engagement picture on Facebook, I catch myself becoming bitter, sad, cynical… the list goes on. But this time I felt nothing but sheer happiness and hope. You see, a couple of years back this wonderful woman and I were roommates and I got a front row seat for all of the shitty guy situations she went through. At the time, I could never understand it. It made no sense to me how a woman who was so beautiful, funny, smart and thoughtful could have such a hard time with the opposite sex. And since I was clearly no expert on dating, I often just hugged her, told her I knew in my gut she’d meet someone one day, and joined her for pizza/Sex and The City marathons. And lo and behold I was correct. A year and a half ago she met her fiance and in a totally unexpected way…
It all started back in April of 2011 when both she and I were recovering from semi-recent break ups and were in need of some fun. In hopes of blowing off some steam, I accepted an invitation to a bar crawl from another San Diego dating blogger. Now I had never met this dude or any of his friends, but I figured what the hell. He’s a funny writer, he can’t be so bad :) And so I roped my dear roomie/partner in crime into going with me. I distinctly remember convincing her by saying, “You never know, maybe you’ll meet your future husband.” (a thought which made us both laugh considering a pub crawl in PB seemed like a pretty unlikely place to meet one’s future husband). But as luck would have it, that’s exactly what happened and now she couldn’t be happier. (You’re welcome, Kel ;)).
Looking back, there is no way we could have known that all that bullshit she went through was leading her here, but it was. Which makes me think that hopefullly, some day, I will look back on all the crap with D, Mr. Not Quite Right, Mr. Cute But Whiny and all the others, and realize it was all just a part of my journey towards My Guy. Now that’s an encouraging thought!
SO, I’ve decided to remain hopeful that there is someone out there (even if I don’t have the slightest clue who he may be). And while it looks increasingly unlikely that I am going to meet my special someone in San Diego, perhaps this move to NY will hold promise for me. Or maybe that move will bring me somewhere else that ultimately leads me to this guy – who can tell? But since I truly can’t predict the future, I might as well try and stop stressing about it. Instead I am going to work on not doubting myself in the present and try to just enjoy the ride. I know one thing for certain, when I do finally meet My Guy, I sure as heck will have a lot to look back and laugh about.
Another amazing post :)
I feel the same way. I’m contemplating a move from NYC to Miami, mostly for school but I’m hoping maybe a better love life will follow. I’m pretty sick of being my “D”‘s doormat and pining over after my “Mr. Not Quite Right”, both of whom are in new relationships and clearly not hung up over me. Time to move on and move south!
Hope you have better luck in my city than I did! I’m sure you will :)
Hi Karol,
Thanks for the comment! While I am sad that someone who is clearly cool is moving AWAY from NYC ;) I think it sounds like a smart move. My mom, (the most awesome person I know)has always instilled in me – if things aren’t working for you, do something different. There’s no way to know what the change will bring you, but at least you’ll feel empowered by doing something! Good luck to you in Miami and let me know if you ever come to NYC :) I am always happy to buy my readers a coffee or cocktail!
That’s exactly how I feel! Even if nothing miraculous happens in regards to romance, it’s a fresh start in a sexy city (so I hear lol) and although absolutely petrified, I’m excited. It’s tentative, I’m waiting to see if I will get graduate housing at my intended university. Ahhh well, if I end up staying in my hometown, I’m finding you for that drink :P looks like a win win haha
Looking forward to another blog post!! :)
P.S. it’s so refreshing and just generally great of you to take the time to read comments from your readers and make a connection. I think I can speak for us all in saying we appreciate it.
this post made me smile :)
Good :)
Hi C! It’s nice to read an encouraging post. However, I, have doubt that falling in love with someone’s “quirks” will lead you to lasting love. The thing about young women in our generation, in their twenties, is that they have a false image of reality. Sailing away to NYC in hope for love is down right delusional. Hopeful. But delusional. Unless you are going there for work, which is a perfect excuse. Now, I say this in the most bearing, nurturing way possible. Trust me, I once thought it was a good idea, too.
The advice I can give is this: Before NYC commit to loving yourself, whole-heartedly. I tell my sisters, and friends that men should treat a woman like glass. If a man, like D, does not, he should not be even in your existence. You must gain the respect for your body, mind, and soul that you deserve. If you like someone, don’t like them for being gorgeous, or tall. That’s silly talk. Like them for being a man: someone who shares similar morals, values, lifelong goals, someone who gets your humor, who is interested in your work and life passion, and is ready to start a life with someone. IF you are not ready for these things, you are wasting your time. Men will raise to the bar at the level you set. It’s in their instincts. And this bar should have nothing to do with his net worth or height. Figure out what you really want in a partner. Love yourself. And he will come. In the most unsuspecting way. And from my intuition, it won’t be at a bar or dating sites, you’re too smart & social for that. (Men in bars only want one thing, and that isn’t a relationship. Kelly is the exception, not the rule.)
Hi There,
Thanks for the comment! I see where you are going and overall I concur, but there are a few points you make that I will have to respectfully disagree on. I’m sorry if it wasn’t clear, but my point with the Ted story was not to say I was looking for someone whose quirks I liked. Rather, the point was to hold out for someone good. That means someone who has all the elements you mentioned : morals values, etc. And for ME, that means someone who is tall (I can’t help it, for me that is just a must for me to be sexually attracted to someone).
To clarify on the move in general, this is being motivated by much more than my desire to fall in love. But this is a dating blog, so I focus on that :) However, I don’t agree that moving for work is the only acceptable reason. I have made many life decisions these past few years and every single one has been about what is best for my career. And yes, my career rocks now. But I am done making all my choices revolve around work. There is more to me than my success or my title, and this move is about honoring those other aspects of myself. Now would I move without a job – no. But I am confident that that area will work itself out.
I absolutely agree with working on myself before I go and that’s exactly what I am focused on right now. I am seeing a therapist, exploring meditation, phasing out D (I’ve gone a full two weeks without talking to him… baby steps!) and trying to get a solid grasp on who I am. I don’t expect NY to change who I am or make me “ready” for a relationship. I simply think doing something different may help strengthen some of these changes I am already making… AND it will be an awesome adventure!
Thanks for you comment and your kind words. I appreciate it.
-Cali
I’m so happy you posted again!! I’ve missed your blog. Could have used it’s wisdom over the last month :)
Aw thanks, hun! I know, I am sorry for the delay!! I moved last month and haven’t been doing much dating since I am in this “self-discovery” mode. That being said, I will try and be better!! XO. – Cali
If I may make a suggestion: try this blogger’s “dating exercise for women”:
http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/2011/10/27/a-dating-exercise-for-women/
Some women tried this exercise and responded:
http://theprivateman.wordpress.com/2012/08/27/a-dating-exercise-for-women-amazing-follow-up/
Best of luck.
Cal, you’re a such great catch and to answer your question: yes, you will find the one! And no doubt, just when you stop looking (and I mean really stop looking) BAM it’ll happen. Life is funny that way. I guess one never knows what will happen when you say yes to unique opportunities like joining a pub crawl or trying a new city. Think about it… if you move to NYC, you may just meet your future husband… :-)
Thanks for the kind words my dear. All of the things you told me, they are the same for you as well. xo
In this new age of online dating people should take far more responsibility on who they are choosing as potential partners.
We are living in a disposable society so why not take your time and find the one?
Be in control of your own destiny and happiness. There are many free online dating sites like moxymatch, plentyhoney, epicmatch, etc., where you can time your time and screen for that perfect match without rushing.
Happiness is a goal in our lives and why invite my personal drama into your life without taking the time to meet and get to know people.
I recommend taking your time and looking around. Don’t limit yourself and cheat yourself out of your happiness to which you hold the key.
I love reading your blog and can relate to a lot of the ups and downs you are going through…still….at 30.
I am single but have experienced many times over what you just went through with your friend getting engaged. People who, through some random twist of fate, meet and suddenly it all makes sense why all of those other people didn’t work out for them – because they were obviously meant to be with THAT person and everyone around them knows it too. The phenomena of “the one” was harder to accept when I was younger, but now having seen it happen to very close friends over the last couple of years, I am a believer.
So when I get a little low about dates that haven’t gone well or crossing another guy off the list after a month, I think of those couples and remind myself that if so many people around me have found it, I will too. We just need to be patient and enjoy ourselves while we keep looking, use bad dates as learning experiences (or as really good stories to tell friends!!), and know that when the right guy does come along the games, the analyzing, etc that we tend to do a lot of as single gals won’t even be necessary – because it will just make sense.
It’s hilarious how “the one” if you ever find him would run away in an instant if he heard about D and your other sexcapades.
Sadly, it seems you don’t understand the concept of “The One…” That person loves you for you, flaws and all and that’s what makes them so hard to find. But hey, you’ve just made it a bit easier on me! It seems safe to say we can cross you off the list of contenders. Pretty sure any guy who spends his time reading a blog for the sole purpose of judging the blogger, isn’t the guy for me. Thanks! XO.
My only point is that the “one” doesn’t exist. There is no perfect person out there for you or anyone else. The closest you’ve found is a guy you like to fuck. The marriages that last are people who make them work. They didn’t fuck a bunch of strangers, are have silly single years, thinking that there was some perfect human out there. My next point was that one day you’re going to think you found “the one” and if you told him about your sordid past with D, he more than likely would not want to be with you. I just feel sorry for you, because you have these insane expectations.
Thanks for trying to clarify, allow me to do the same. D is by no means the closest I’ve found to “The One”. I’d actually say Mr. Not Quite Right was the closest; which is why breaking up with him was so hard. Agreed that marriages last because people make them work, but think you are nuts if you think that people who weren’t silly and single don’t find love. I can name off at least 10 of my older friends who have all been just as “silly” and who are all happily married. Also, not clear on your point about fucking a bunch of strangers, as I have never in my life had sex with someone I just met…But I digress. I think the point here is clearly YOU are a judgmental person and YOU wouldn’t want to date someone who had more experience being single than you. That’s fine! But to make blanket statements about all men just makes you sound insane.
And lastly, I disagree with you on the point about D as I have told all my other boyfriends about D and they have all still wanted to be with me. Did they have questions, yes. Was there sometimes jealousy, sure. But in the end they realized that being with someone is about a lot more than who they loved in the past. Again, I get that to you that would be a deal breaker so like I said, you and I would never be a match. But luckily for me, there are people who are kinder and more self confident, who haven’t been intimidated that I had a messy situation with a guy I really loved in the past.
In any case, please don’t waste your time feeling sorry for me. I have an awesome life and am doing just fine. Thanks!
Wow. Why are people so rude? I think you’re great and you will find someone! And who knows where that person is! He might be around the corner of the next big life decision you make! :)
In my mind “the one” implies the one you end up with, the one you want to marry who wants to marry you. I think you’re being perfectly reasonable in your pursuit of this guy. You’re not “silly” at all!
Well thanks my dear! I honestly really appreciate it :) And my take on the rude thing is that it is always about those people… seeing as how they don’t actually know me at all, passing judgment and being an asshole is purely a reflection of their own insecurities/ past challenges with woman. In any case, the kind words mean more to me than you know! I agree with your assessment of “the one” and remain optimistic of his existence. – Cali
You will find your love as early as possible. ;)
*sigh*, i was literally asking myself the exact same question the last few weeks and attempting to find something to show me how wrong i am to question it all. Thanks for instilling a little bit of hope into my lonely dating life! Love it!