This weekend I learned two things: 1. Mr. Cute but Whiny did in fact read my blog (although he wasn’t the one to find it…) and 2. He has a new girlfriend. She’s 21. (A fact that he shared with me in the same sentence as, “I have a gf”). At first, I was so annoyed. That’s 3 out of 3 of my past men who are dating 21 year olds:
- D is “in a relationship” (but still texting moi) with a 20 year old – he’s 26.
- Mr. Not Quite Right’s GF just turned 22 – he’s 28.
- And now Mr. Cute but Whiny, who is only 25, but still, dating a 21 year old.
My immediate response was to think, what is wrong with these guys?!
But then I realized, the question isn’t what’s wrong with them. It is, what’s wrong with me?! To be quite honest, I think that this new GF is probably completely perfect for Mr. Cute but Whiny, and as much as it surprised me to realize this, I am actually quite happy for him. Even Mr. Not Quite Right, although I miss him (and have heard his 22 year old is a huge bitch) I still think this chick is probably more his speed.
So, the question remains, why do I keep dating guys who are better suited for 21 year olds? I thought about this a lot this weekend and I think the truth is, I’m still in limbo between Grown Up Cali and College Cali. For whatever reason, I am clearly uncomfortable with being entirely grown up, and am therefore attracted to men who are in the same boat. This would be all fine and dandy, except that then I try and have grown up relationships with these men and am left scratching my head when it doesn’t work out. It sounds trite, but this weekend I had an epiphany - I’m dating the wrong men.
Who I need to be dating is an older man who has his shit together. Like fully. This man is settled in his career, he’s done the party scene, he has hobbies, he’s not looking to move, and he is an all around happy and content person. He isn’t in the middle of a, “what am I going to do with my life” crisis and he thinks the idea of dating a 21 year old is laughable. Instead, he wants to date a woman who will challenge him, grow with him and, eventually, settle down with him. In short, he’s a ripe pear.
So how do I find this guy? Obvi, I am not attracting him right now, but the question is why. After quite a bit of quality self reflection, I realized the truth. No shit I am not going to meet this perfect guy when the lifestyle I just described above is not totally the life I am living. Clearly living in limbo isn’t getting me what I want and I think the time has come to say goodbye to College Cali and embrace Grown Up Cali once and for all. So, I came up with 3 “to-do’s” for myself to propel me to that next level of maturity and thus meet the right guy for me.
My 3 to-dos to meet a mature guy:
A. Start re-prioritizing my life. Partying and having fun are swell, but they shouldn’t be at the top of my list.
B. Re-define fun for myself. Fun can be blogging, running, ballet, hiking, going to the beach, wine nights with girlfriends and long bike rides. All of these types of fun don’t distract me from Grown Up Cali and still make me feel great about life.
C. Try dating a different type of guy. I need to start heeding the red flags as I see them pop up and keep my eye on the prize. There is a saying that I love – “If you are going to hunt elephants, don’t get off the trail for a rabbit.” The key to this little gem of wisdom is that there’s nothing wrong with the rabbit, but if it’s not what your looking for then it is just slowing you down in your quest towards what you want. No more rabbits for me.
Do I think this is a transformation that will happen overnight? Uh, obviously not. That’s not the way the world works. But I do think taking initiative with what I can change, versus expecting the guys I date to change, is a good start. So from this day forward, I vow to do my best to leave the “Hubbells” to their young, simple girls and just be comfortable with being a “Katie” girl. I’ll focus on me, and my growth, and hopefully this will push me towards a whole new set of guys. And if not, at least I’ll save some money and be in a lot better shape…